Help How do I let go of the incredibly slim chance of it getting better?

[thisIsNotEnough]

I'm suffering so much. I want it to end. But I can't let go of this irrational hope. Everything I've been through has showed me my life is defined by suffering above all else. My current suffering is entirely out of my control. Maybe a doctor will finally figure out what's causing me chronic pain and fatigue and disability. Maybe my family will finally accept me for who I am. Maybe my last ex will finally see that a previous abusive ex was the problem, not me, and reconcile with me. Maybe I'll finally be able to cope with all of the abuse I've suffered from my family, my ex, and my peers. Maybe even if these things don't get better, I can get to a point where they don't make me suicidal, where I can feel okay, maybe even happy despite it all.

I don't believe in an afterlife or reincarnation, so this life is the only chance I have of living the life I want to live. And I do want to live that life. I still think there's a very small probability of living to see myself living that life. I do. What percentage? I don't know, 0.1% maybe. Maybe less.

Clearly I need to let go of that sliver of hope so I'll be able to ctb. As long as I feel like this suffering isn't unending and as long as it doesn't end, I will continue suffering.

I already waited a year to see if my family would stop rejecting me. And what did that year bring me? I got with a partner (my first love, mind you) who turned out to be abusive and drove me crazy for them. I suddenly lost almost all of my leg mobility and developed chronic pain and fatigue. I drifted apart from the few friends I had. I lost interest in everything that used to bring me joy. And still my family is the same.

I don't want to keep waiting for a miracle only to be disappointed when it never comes. I need to accept that this is the way things are and always will be and act accordingly. I need to recognize that ctb is the only way my suffering will come to an end. I just don't know how.

Anyways rant over. I'd like to know how you were able to let go of this false hope yourself and how that feels, thanks <3

 

[kuroshimi]

Thanks for story.

I am still have hope that everything is gonna be alright. Also not believe in afterlife or reincarnation, so still kinda want to experience things in this life.

But I think that every year there is less and less of it. Not with relationship with family of friends, but with world in general. I feel I am in wrong place. And there is not way for happiness and calm in my life.

I have always suffered as far as I can recall. In school I was literally alone. Almost no one care much about me. Now it's continues in some way. Despite the fact that I made more friends at uni, I am still feeling lonely. I tend to seek support in other people. Maybe by constantly talking to others I am trying to distract myself, idk.

So I have less and less hope in things getting better.

 

[thisIsNotEnough]

Thanks for your reply <3

Yeah I think it's just the way those of us who believe this is all we'll ever have rationalize continuing to live. I mean, ctb means a 0% chance of living the life we want, so while not ctb might mean a 0.000001% chance of living the life we want, it's the best we'll get. Even as that chance gets lower and lower the longer we live it seems. Idk maybe it's just a manifestation of SI and that's why it's so hard to stop seeing it that way.

I wish I could just do a reroll on this life. Change how my family is, change how my body is, change how my mind is. Honestly if I believed in reincarnation I'd probably have an easier time ctb. Sure I might end up as a mosquito but almost anything would be better than the life I have rn.