How do I let go of the hope I'll ever be normal?

[mac_se]

I was going to explain further, but it's really stupid and pathetic. Long story short, I'm on the autism spectrum, I burned out on pretending to be a human, therapy and meds failed me, my health is declining before I'm even out of my mid 20s, and it's looking like I won't be able to find a footing in life anytime soon, if ever. How do I come to terms with the fact that I may never get to be a real person?

 

[timf]

You may have what until recently was called Aspergers. This was lumped in with Autism which was less than helpful. Classical autism was a brain malformation or injury that resulted in the classical rocking motion and children with this condition seldom made it into adulthood.

The four boys Has Asperger observed all grew to have relatively normal lives. They were identified when children for having little interest in playing with others. The Nazis considered this as worthy of death. I suspect that having a neurology that is more complex, faster, or more sensitive results in a person being overloaded with sensory and cognitive information to try to process makes it more difficult to interact by reflex with others. However, over time one finds management skills that help social interaction.

For example, a child presented with what to them seems a complex social situation may retreat, remain silent, or even cry. An adult may have learned to say something like, "You have to give me a minute to process this". People who have conditions that make them a little different can find that trying to conform themselves to what they consider "normal" can be difficult, if not hopeless. However, recognizing a difference and working with it can make life a lot easier.

 

[mac_se]

You may have what until recently was called Aspergers. This was lumped in with Autism which was less than helpful. Classical autism was a brain malformation or injury that resulted in the classical rocking motion and children with this condition seldom made it into adulthood.

The four boys Has Asperger observed all grew to have relatively normal lives. They were identified when children for having little interest in playing with others. The Nazis considered this as worthy of death. I suspect that having a neurology that is more complex, faster, or more sensitive results in a person being overloaded with sensory and cognitive information to try to process makes it more difficult to interact by reflex with others. However, over time one finds management skills that help social interaction.

For example, a child presented with what to them seems a complex social situation may retreat, remain silent, or even cry. An adult may have learned to say something like, "You have to give me a minute to process this". People who have conditions that make them a little different can find that trying to conform themselves to what they consider "normal" can be difficult, if not hopeless. However, recognizing a difference and working with it can make life a lot easier.

Oh, I know. I was diagnosed with that 20 years ago. One of my recent psychiatrists said she would diagnose me with Asperger's instead of autism if it were still an accepted term.

Being aware of the difference is what makes it so hard for me. The knowledge that something is wrong with my brain that makes it a hundred times harder for me to connect with people. Something that can't be fixed, and the only way around it is to expend massive amounts of energy faking it. I think the chance for me to grow up and have a "relatively normal" life passed a long time ago. I never stopped being that hurt autistic child. I just tried to mask it. And now that my health is declining and taking away what little energy I had, I can't keep up the mask anymore.

 

[infinitanocte]

I'm sorry to hear about your health declining. It's tough to be battling with your mind and then also have to battle your body, which takes away energy you could have used for other things.

Otherwise, I would have said that maybe it's about redefining what normal is for you. Every person's got a slightly different normal. You are human. And you're a human that's hurting. I think you're already a real person, even if the world has made you feel like you're not.
I wonder if there are any people in your life who could offer you support moving forward? It sounds like you have a lot going on, and you also deserve to be yourself and feel safe around other people. There are people out there who will accept that your normal is different from theirs and who will cherish you, not in spite of, but because of who you are, even if you have yet to meet them.

 

[mac_se]

I wonder if there are any people in your life who could offer you support moving forward?

No one I trust.

 

[infinitanocte]

No one I trust.

I'm sorry to hear that. It would be great if you could make connections with some new people who would be accepting and supportive of you, then! Making new relationships can take some time and effort, but even having someone you look forward to meeting or whom you can connect with about shared interests or struggles could be helpful.
Otherwise, sometimes we don't have to look too far to see someone who might actually be willing to be a bigger a part of our lives, if only we have the courage to reach out. If anyone seems potentially promising, try getting to know them more and see if they could become someone you can trust.

This is kind of vague since I'm not sure what you need, but if you can access any support or resources that might help you with your life, that might ease the burden on you a little too. It's hard to struggle through things on your own. We rely on other people to help us get through.

 

[mac_se]

I'm sorry to hear that. It would be great if you could make connections with some new people who would be accepting and supportive of you, then! Making new relationships can take some time and effort, but even having someone you look forward to meeting or whom you can connect with about shared interests or struggles could be helpful.
Otherwise, sometimes we don't have to look too far to see someone who might actually be willing to be a bigger a part of our lives, if only we have the courage to reach out. If anyone seems potentially promising, try getting to know them more and see if they could become someone you can trust.

This is kind of vague since I'm not sure what you need, but if you can access any support or resources that might help you with your life, that might ease the burden on you a little too. It's hard to struggle through things on your own. We rely on other people to help us get through.

Respectfully, you sound like a therapist on the second session, before they fully grasp what you're going through. "Why don't you just make some new connections? It takes time and effort, but it's worth it!"

I don't actually expect you to know me that deeply from a couple of depressing forum posts, but the point is that you aren't the first person to suggest that to me, and to think that someone has never thought of that before is foolish. My life as an autistic outcast has been a constant string of reminders that I'm not good enough at being a human for people to like me.

Every attempt I've made at meeting people has failed and taken a huge bite out of my energy and self-esteem, and at this point, I don't have it in me to get back up and try the same thing ten more times in hopes that it might work once. I haven't stopped wanting human companionship, but I have given up on having it for the foreseeable future.

 

[infinitanocte]

Respectfully, you sound like a therapist on the second session, before they fully grasp what you're going through. "Why don't you just make some new connections? It takes time and effort, but it's worth it!"

I don't actually expect you to know me that deeply from a couple of depressing forum posts, but the point is that you aren't the first person to suggest that to me, and to think that someone has never thought of that before is foolish. My life as an autistic outcast has been a constant string of reminders that I'm not good enough at being a human for people to like me.

Every attempt I've made at meeting people has failed and taken a huge bite out of my energy and self-esteem, and at this point, I don't have it in me to get back up and try the same thing ten more times in hopes that it might work once. I haven't stopped wanting human companionship, but I have given up on having it for the foreseeable future.

Sorry that I came off that way. I didn't mean to diminish your efforts or imply that you haven't tried or thought of the same things many times before. I don't say those things lightly thinking that it's easy or that things would snap into place just because you tried. And of course I don't know you, so I wouldn't expect that I would be able to offer you anything super helpful to your situation. But again, because I don't know you, I don't know what anyone else has or hasn't said to you.

I just wanted to hope for you, that's all. I think other people who have said similar things probably thought the same way. It seems like you're looking for something different, and I guess I'm not sure what that is.

 

[mac_se]

Sorry that I came off that way. I didn't mean to diminish your efforts or imply that you haven't tried or thought of the same things many times before. I don't say those things lightly thinking that it's easy or that things would snap into place just because you tried. And of course I don't know you, so I wouldn't expect that I would be able to offer you anything super helpful to your situation. But again, because I don't know you, I don't know what anyone else has or hasn't said to you.

I just wanted to hope for you, that's all. I think other people who have said similar things probably thought the same way.

I know you mean well, and I thank you for taking the time out of your day to care. It's just frustrating to hear the same suggestions over and over from so many different people.

It seems like you're looking for something different, and I guess I'm not sure what that is.

I don't know either. I don't know what's reasonable to want anymore. I went into therapy hoping to learn about myself and come out stronger, but four years later, it became clear that it wasn't going to happen, whether because my therapists were clowns or I didn't want it bad enough. I tried to get my health issues treated and realized it's too much to ask of the American medical system to care about me. I tried to make friends and go to school and work, but it turned out that's too much to ask of myself.

I think what I really want is to feel better (even just okay) and find my niche in life, but I don't know if either of those things are possible. And that's why I'm on this website. I don't want to die, but at the end of the day, I can't even trust myself to save me, which doesn't leave me with a whole hell of a lot to look forward to in life.

 

[memo]

I don't have advice but I'm in the exact same shoes. Mid 20's, hate being autistic, declining health. Being autistic in a world not built for us is literal torture.

 

[infinitanocte]

I know you mean well, and I thank you for taking the time out of your day to care. It's just frustrating to hear the same suggestions over and over from so many different people.

That's valid! I was shortsighted. Thanks for being patient and clear with me.

I don't know either. I don't know what's reasonable to want anymore. I went into therapy hoping to learn about myself and come out stronger, but four years later, it became clear that it wasn't going to happen, whether because my therapists were clowns or I didn't want it bad enough. I tried to get my health issues treated and realized it's too much to ask of the American medical system to care about me. I tried to make friends and go to school and work, but it turned out that's too much to ask of myself.

I think what I really want is to feel better (even just okay) and find my niche in life, but I don't know if either of those things are possible. And that's why I'm on this website. I don't want to die, but at the end of the day, I can't even trust myself to save me, which doesn't leave me with a whole hell of a lot to look forward to in life.

It sucks that the medical system is so awful. Sounds like things have been rough and that you've spent a lot of time & effort to try things that have mostly or only disappointed you so far.

If you're open to sharing (if not, I understand):
I'm curious what kinds of things you're interested in or what you mean by your niche in life.

And what are you interested in on this site? Personally, I like hearing about people's experiences & thoughts and also feeling like maybe I'm not the only person experiencing what I am or that others may be having similar struggles/thoughts. Maybe you have something different, though.

 

[mac_se]

I'm curious what kinds of things you're interested in or what you mean by your niche in life.

What I mean by my niche in life is community, companionship, and the ability to support myself. A happy life on my terms, not society's. But again, I'd settle for just okay with a little bit of societal masking.

And what are you interested in on this site? Personally, I like hearing about people's experiences & thoughts and also feeling like maybe I'm not the only person experiencing what I am or that others may be having similar struggles/thoughts. Maybe you have something different, though.

You pretty much hit the nail on the head. Just being around people who are struggling like I am. Being able to speak frankly about the ugly parts of mental health without paying a therapist exorbitant amounts of money and risking involuntary commitment is a bonus. I haven't been here long and I'm already feeling more like I'm allowed to exist and be heard than I ever did with a professional. (Can you tell I'm really mad at the mental health industry? lol)

 

[Pluto]

 

[infinitanocte]

What I mean by my niche in life is community, companionship, and the ability to support myself. A happy life on my terms, not society's. But again, I'd settle for just okay with a little bit of societal masking.

I see, thank you for sharing. In that case, I'd also want to find my niche in life. I'm still holding out some hope, I think.

You pretty much hit the nail on the head. Just being around people who are struggling like I am. Being able to speak frankly about the ugly parts of mental health without paying a therapist exorbitant amounts of money and risking involuntary commitment is a bonus. I haven't been here long and I'm already feeling more like I'm allowed to exist and be heard than I ever did with a professional. (Can you tell I'm really mad at the mental health industry? lol)

That makes sense. I feel conflicted sometimes, thinking it's nice to be able to talk with people who have similar struggles, but simultaneously feel sad that there are other people who have those same struggles or worse. I'm glad that this site has been welcoming (?) but sad to hear that the mh professionals have been, well, the opposite. I hope sasu continues to be a good place for you moving forward. One thing I like about this place is how diverse people's experiences are. It broadens my perspective a lot and makes me reflect on my own life, too.

 

[WirelessConnections]

I'm autistic as well and I struggle with a lot of the same feelings.

I'll have rare days where I'm able to put on a good act and people respond positively, but then the next time I see them I just can't do it again. I feel like everything I do is weird or off putting in some way.

I said this in a different thread, but I really struggle with the fact that this is just how I am. I can learn how to adapt to it better, but I'll never become the person I wish I could be.

 

[heywey]

As @infinitanocte touched on, you've asked two very different questions: "How do I be a normal person?" and "How do I be a real person?". The first step, is to separate those. The path to becoming a 'real' person is in the opposite direction of trying to be a 'normal' person, I think.

I'm in a similar boat as you. Mid 20s, and my entire life I've been different, but the only way I've known to deal with it is mask, mask, mask. Putting all my effort towards trying to be normal, following the socially acceptable path in life, and leaving nothing for actually developing the person underneath. I don't even really know how to unmask, how to be myself, what that even looks like.

What I've come to is: trying to contort myself to fit somewhere is a losing battle. Even when it works, it's simply not sustainable. If I am ever going to find a place in life that I'm comfortable, and make social connections that I actually want to maintain, I can't get there by being something I'm not. If I were a puzzle piece, the more time I spend folding and tearing myself to fit somewhere I don't, the longer it takes to find somewhere I actually fit, and the harder it will be for me to put myself back together enough to realize it's where I need to be.

Inevitably, the more unusual you are the more unusual the place you belong will be. And when you're trying to break from a poor-fitting mold, and you're faced with material hardship and so much shame from others, it can be so very hard to believe that trying the same thing you've done 100 times before will finally yield results on the 101st. But all it takes is one. You can work at 100 different jobs that don't fit yet the only one that matters is the one that does. You can meet 1000 people who think little of you if you can be ready to meet the one that you click with. You can hear 10,000 different pieces of advice and try on 10,000 different philosophies if that's what it takes to find the one that works.

It really fucking sucks, I know. And the smarter you are the harder it is to keep moving forward when all signs point to it being dumb and you should just give up. But it's a way forward, and it's the only one I see; and the only way out is through, as they say.

I don't know your circumstances or anything so take what you want from this spiel and feel free to leave what you don't. From the sound of it these are things you've thought about already. All I'll say is that, even reaching out here means that you're trying, and as long as that's the case there's still hope.

A very good read: https://www.experimental-history.com/p/theres-a-place-for-everyone

 

[a-lien]

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