Help How do I get through the last stretch?

[Mayfly]

How do you live with yourself (short-term) when you've done things you knew were wrong — things that weren't years ago, but recent? I stalk my ex boyfriend on alternate accounts. I lied to him. I manipulated things just to keep him around, and I kept doing it even when I knew how disgusting it was. I wasn't out of control or unaware; I did it on purpose. And still, I felt guilt after. I always feel guilty after.

I don't know how to make sense of myself. It's like I'm full of contradictions — I say I care about people, but I do things that ruin them. I say I want to be better, but I don't stop. I can see how wrong it is while I'm doing it, and I still do it anyway. I hate what I've done. I feel ashamed. But I also know I'll probably keep sabotaging everything I touch, even when I swear I won't.

It's not about wanting pity. I don't think I deserve forgiveness or understanding. This kind of shame's hollowed me out completely — like there's nothing solid left in me. I guess my question is: How do you get through the days? The days or months or however long of waiting to kill yourself? I see my end, but I don't have the tools I need to execute it yet; I still have a month or so to go. In the meantime, I've fallen into this gnarly rut… I know it's nothing I don't deserve, or something that isn't self-imposed, but it's pretty hard on my psyche nonetheless. I can't eat — the most I've been able to stomach these past few days is a couple sips of water — and sleep whenever possible. Lie in bed, stay at home. Ignore my friends. Is it possible to make it more tolerable?

I guess it's hard to talk about because it's not something that happened to me, but something I've done. Hard to live with. Thanks in advance.

 

[Traveller12724]

I will tell you what I did for what is worth. Last year when I realized my life was over but couldn't ctb for another few months, I noticed that my life quickly became unbearable when I didn't do anything but rot in bed and watch TV, so I had to make it bearable. I took up good habits like exercising every day, eating healthy, reading books, playing soccer, hiking up in the mountains early in the morning, going to the beach friday nights, and seeing friends sometimes. I also made a bucket list of everything I wanted to do before I go and I have checked off most of the things on it. All of this to say that once I accepted that doing nothing and rotting in bed was make my life unbearable when I couldn't ctb just yet, I had to do something and exercising and hobbies particularly helped keep my mental health in a good enough place that I could bear without wanting to crawl my eyes out.

 

[Mayfly]

Sometimes it feels like I've spent so long mimicking what people want to see from me that I've sort of lost my individuality: I don't have any passions that get me out of bed, or things to look forward to throughout the day… I do appreciate the response, though, and I'm glad you've found something that's worked for you; I admire you for taking control and pursuing self-betterment. It feels shitty to concede defeat and just wave a white flag, but sometimes I'm convinced that I make myself incompatible with life: I want to be better, but I don't do anything to change. Kinder, more motivated, smarter, etc. Maybe I'm still ensnared in that same self-pitying reality I've fighting against since I was small. Thank you again, though — your perspective is invaluable.

 

[Traveller12724]

Sometimes it feels like I've spent so long mimicking what people want to see from me that I've sort of lost my individuality: I don't have any passions that get me out of bed, or things to look forward to throughout the day… I do appreciate the response, though, and I'm glad you've found something that's worked for you; I admire you for taking control and pursuing self-betterment. It feels shitty to concede defeat and just wave a white flag, but sometimes I'm convinced that I make myself incompatible with life: I want to be better, but I don't do anything to change. Kinder, more motivated, smarter, etc. Maybe I'm still ensnared in that same self-pitying reality I've fighting against since I was small. Thank you again, though — your perspective is invaluable.

Oh see I didn't do it for self-betterment or anything like that, I did it because a long time ago I learned a valuable lesson. I found myself stuck in Stuttgart Germany for 14hrs after missing a connecting flight, I was stuck in the airport, I realized I had a choice, I could either spend the 14hrs pissed off, bored out of my mind, hating every minute of it, or I could make it bearable by opening my kindle and reading a good book for a couple of hours, then having a good lunch and a drink at the airport restaurant, talking to fellow stranded passengers for a couple of hours and hearing their stories, then reading a couple of more chapters in the book, and then taking a nap, and then watching a few episodes of a favorite tv show. At the end the 14hrs passed a lot smoother and it made me realize that when one is stuck in a terrible situation it's important to make the choices that make the terrible situation bearable than setting for the default state of being pissed, self-hating, and bored out of mind.

 

[Mayfly]

It's nice to see that you were able to derive some good from the unfortunate — I'm far from a frequent-flyer, though I know that flight delays can get some people feeling homicidal Lol
Thank you for sharing that story: A drink sounds nice right now, and I'll pick up a book in your honor Haha
Appreciate it more than you know; I hope you have a nice day

 

[Hollowman]

There's nothing solid left of me either. I'm trying to wait out my mom then ctb. I have tons of shit I should be really ashamed of. I'm so numbed out and dissociated I can't be bothered anymore. That's probably not helpful but that's how I deal.

 

[LamisAgha]

How do you live with yourself (short-term) when you've done things you knew were wrong — things that weren't years ago, but recent? I stalk my ex boyfriend on alternate accounts. I lied to him. I manipulated things just to keep him around, and I kept doing it even when I knew how disgusting it was. I wasn't out of control or unaware; I did it on purpose. And still, I felt guilt after. I always feel guilty after.

I don't know how to make sense of myself. It's like I'm full of contradictions — I say I care about people, but I do things that ruin them. I say I want to be better, but I don't stop. I can see how wrong it is while I'm doing it, and I still do it anyway. I hate what I've done. I feel ashamed. But I also know I'll probably keep sabotaging everything I touch, even when I swear I won't.

It's not about wanting pity. I don't think I deserve forgiveness or understanding. This kind of shame's hollowed me out completely — like there's nothing solid left in me. I guess my question is: How do you get through the days? The days or months or however long of waiting to kill yourself? I see my end, but I don't have the tools I need to execute it yet; I still have a month or so to go. In the meantime, I've fallen into this gnarly rut… I know it's nothing I don't deserve, or something that isn't self-imposed, but it's pretty hard on my psyche nonetheless. I can't eat — the most I've been able to stomach these past few days is a couple sips of water — and sleep whenever possible. Lie in bed, stay at home. Ignore my friends. Is it possible to make it more tolerable?

I guess it's hard to talk about because it's not something that happened to me, but something I've done. Hard to live with. Thanks in advance.

sorry

 

[Mayfly]

There's nothing solid left of me either. I'm trying to wait out my mom then ctb. I have tons of shit I should be really ashamed of. I'm so numbed out and dissociated I can't be bothered anymore. That's probably not helpful but that's how I deal.

I think I'm getting there lolol Falling into a pattern of nothing but sleep
I know it isn't much either, but I'm sorry about your circumstances: Wishing peace for you and your mother

 

[bankai]

That's wrong OP,just stop that kind of behavior.at least you recognise it and feel remorse.

You're on the right path.

 

[Mayfly]

Yeap lol I know, definitely working towards breaking the habit though — it's not healthy for either of us
Appreciate your reply