Help How do I get it through my head that things will never improve?

[lilyistootired]

I've been working on it in therapy to little avail, but some part of me believes that if I just do the right X,Y, or Z thing (being thin, being more cis passing, cutting myself in the right way, various insanities) the universe will send someone to save me, I can't accept that I was just fucked from day 1, and never had any real of an okay life. Even if I could "save myself" I have no interest in doing so because what's the point of life if the universe thinks you're not even worth saving after breaking you over and over. How do I get it through my head that no matter what I do thins will never actually get better? Problem some sort of existential fucking SI by my brain?

 

[dirkw83]

Age/getting older solves a lot of things. Things can absolutely get better, though they don't always do. But don't expect someone else to save you, it's probably not gonna happen (from my experience).

 

[DeadManLiving]

Things can most certainly improve, but you need money / resources funds.

At some point a decision has to be made. I'm just going to buy a bunch of Lottery tickets and if I don't win that's the final tie-breaker sign that the Universe declares me dead and proceed according to plan and kill myself.

My gf may subsequently I'm afraid. And my brother through contagion effect I hope not.

 

[lilyistootired]

Things can most certainly improve, but you need money / resources funds.

At some point a decision has to be made. I'm just going to buy a bunch of Lottery tickets and if I don't win that's the final tie-breaker sign that the Universe declares me dead and proceed according to plan and kill myself.

My gf may subsequently I'm afraid. And my brother through contagion effect I hope not.

Money alone would make my problems easier but it wouldn't solve them. I have the resources (for now at least) to access psychiatric care (obviously lying about how suicidal I am but still going to give SSRIs a try), and am in therapy.

My core issue is that thinking and managing my own life is hard, way harder than doing things. If I didn't have to make any life choices at all pretty much and in exchange had stability guaranteed / not having to worry about the rest of the world going to shit that would legitimately fix my problems. I know that sounds crazy but it's true.

Age/getting older solves a lot of things. Things can absolutely get better, though they don't always do. But don't expect someone else to save you, it's probably not gonna happen (from my experience).

I'm well aware it doesn't happen, that's the entire issue. Age fixes it but it doesn't fix the fact that the universe not saving me is the universe tacitly standing behind its decision to traumatize me in various ways that are impossible to actually be sympathetic to (emotional damage from family escalating situations time and time again but never physically attacking me or anything, and always with parents genuinely trying their best). Like if that's how it starts for the entire first 1/4 of my life, I don't really want to see how it ends.