STARVINGXRABBIT
Member
- Apr 26, 2026
- 9
My heart hurt so bad it feels like I'm suffocating, I have been in 5 year relationship with my best friend, I know it's so unhealthy and codependent but i honestly can't leave him I love him to much but I'm also responsible for this mess, but to give some context to even make this make sense, Since I was born I was born into a neglectful family my dad would beat the shit out of me and my mom always hated me and thought i was an embarrassment i was always the disgrace of the family, I was born with a twin and we would deal with the abuse together my family always liked them more because they were smart and going to go places but we were always together we always had to sleep in the same bed together one day they kissed me with tongue and it again but after that it stopped and i never felt so gross and confused before but after that they started getting distant and even ignoring me at school always ashamed to be near me one day when we entered middle school they told me that they were gay and all that shit, but they never took interest in boys since i was a kid anyways but we don't even talk anymore and they got accepted into top university, but the root of the problem is that i found some sex chat on my dad's laptop and typed the website into my tablet and since i was 7 years old i have been talking to older men and they promised me love and i never got love at home so i thought it was normal they would make me send nudes and would sell them, they would even tell me how much money they got and that men loved me and one time they told me to imagine my dad. when i was 10 I tried killing myself after i got out of the psych ward my dad got more abusive because i was diagnosed with schizophrenia and put on hard drugs and couldn't even function in school because of how loopy i felt all the time and couldn't even use my brain my dad thought i was the devil and took me to church for some old bitches to put rub holy water on me and say that it's not my fault because i had demons in me and my dad just spiraled after that and my sister saw some hardcore porn stuff on my dad's laptop and some underage images and daughter roleplay but my dad's side of the family has history of incest but after we told my mom we left in the middle of the night to go live with my grandparents but me and my sister would pretend to be lovers and stuff we didn't do anything but it was her idea in the first place it was more common when we still had to visit my dad because the divorce stuff got fucked because of covid but my dad when walk in on me and perfectly timed when i got out of the shower to go open the door and stand there he refused to put locks and would bring different whores over one of them even started fry humping my dad on the coach while looking at me, my mom didn't give a shit because she was to busy dating a druggie and my sister barely talked to me and i would just cut and take sleeping pills but my god brother he was older than me and he lived next door and i would go visit him and then he started abusing me and showing me porn and he would beat the shit out of me were it wasn't noticeable like my stomach but he would always come over to my grandparents and no one was home and he would grab me by my hair and drag me to the room and slap me and sometimes turn on the bathtub and drown me when i would fight back he would degrade me and rape me and make me suck him off outside and tell me he did it out of love and i fucking believed him, one time i pissed him off so bad because i sucked at playing a game he called his friends from school and they degraded me and watch me get beat and he said if i piss him off he is going to sell me to his friends and a few months later he moved it finally all stopped when i turned 12, sorry if this doesn't even make sense anymore but no one ever found out until i was taken to some cps office by my mom to talk about my dad or something and they asked if i was ever raped until i started sobbing and it turns out my mom had suspected i was getting abused by my god brother but did fucking nothing and then she asked me why i never said i never just told her but if i said something he said he would do it to my sister so i never spoke out it was me or her, I never bothered pressing chargers my mom isn't made of money and he was a minor at the time so it would be to difficult and that abuse is hard to prove since it was awhile ago but after that shit my mom moved to Vegas with some druggie and brought her kids and that whole divorce paper shit she it was to difficult for her to understand so she just tossed into some drawer and forgot about it so she lost custody of her kids and moved back to the shit hole i was born in and my dad got married to a whore and they wanted us to live there to not pay child support and because that bitch wanted money but they made my life hell until i was 16, my dad got divorce and she spent all his saving and ran him into debt before she left him and he didn't even know until he got divorce papers but he is made out of money so he wasn't in debt for long but when the divorce starting happening i started dating my best friend i have know since i was 10 but we started dating when i was 14 and i just started high school he wouldn't stop pushing me into sex until i gave in after that he cheated on me with 2 different girls he ignored me for 1 year and would only talk to me when i had manic episodes or was fucking up my body by cutting or i threated to leave him we would love bomb me and then fuck me and then went home of course my mom didn't give a shit she was barley even home it took my 3rd suicide attempt that year for him to choose me and after that he did it again and again for five fucking times until i OD on some sleeping pills and he finally stopped and i did tell that bitch to kill herself and had a bad manic episode over it but i don't even cared if cut herself over what i said and i know that makes me shit but who fucking cares, after that fucking shit was over my boyfriend started playing a game called the coffin of Andy and Leyley he started coming me to Ashely and started calling me it while i would sleep and when we would fuck to be honest i thought it was a girl he cheated on me with and he started comparing my life to it even the photos of me as a kid because i looked like the child version of Ashley or something when i asked him about it he said it was because my hair styled looked liked Ashley and that the way i acted and how similar my episodes were i honestly thinks that's why he still cheated on me for i could get manic for him not to mention he would call me crazy and say that i made up him cheating in my head and one time he told me to kill myself since my life sucks and i would probably never be happy it drove me crazy but i just wanted love so i played into it he eventually got bored of it and moved onto something else, after that things were somewhat normal besides me being paranoid and getting manic that he was cheating but junior year of high school i started getting stalked by some creep from a different school who visit because he was in the same club that i was in, but my senior year i got into a big fight with him and started talking to that guy that was stalking me to get back at him it turned into a mess and i ended up almost getting raped and that guy would spam by phone at 3 in the morning and say that he would wants to fuck me and rape me and that he wants to be my dog and he also liked tcoaal and i remined him of that game not to mention all that red pill shit and how he treated me like a thing and a object yet i still hanged out with him because i just wanted to hurt someone that i cared about the most and said that if i was raped so many times it's because I'm super pretty and i should take it was a complement when he tried fucking me i broke down and had a episode in front of him i guess that scared him but when i left his car he asked if he could try again and that he isn't a bad person but hey at least my boyfriend comforted me after that i never talked to him after that and he started harassing me and my sister so i had to tell my mom and she said he had money so i should have just stayed and wasn't listening to what i was trying to tell her not to mention the way that guy would talk about my mom it sounded like he wanted to fuck her but my mom wasn't helping either but that bitch got me cummed on while i was drugged from my prescribed meds it basically makes my body really heavy and it's hard to move until i fall asleep but one of my mom's ex boyfriend humped me and groped me until he busted on my back and left i guess my mom told him why i went to bed early was because of my meds but i was in some hotel room like it had two rooms i don't know how to describe it i should have just stayed home with my family that day but my mom ex bf wanted to take me to a theme park should have fucking figured i told my mom she didn't give a shit and she still brings men home into our apartment and doesn't come home until 3am. anyways sorry for ranting or whatever but my bf told him off and threated to leak his weird voicemails to the college he was going to so he fucked off and since then me and my boyfriend have been having problems which is mostly my fault but he has a bit upset because i got back into watching gore and found out i was masterbating to misogyny porn and women getting beat or something and he found out that i was grown men were giving me money if i told them how i was raped but i wasn't sending nudes or anything like that, i haven't graduated yet and it's hard getting money and i didn't have necessities to live but he found out so he has been helping me with money more but to make it up to him I have been doing like ddlg stuff with him and starving myself more often so i can fit in like little kids clothes i have to be 80 pounds before like his birthday as punishment i mean I'm almost there but doing 30k steps is hard everyday but i love him so i will do anything sorry I'm just ranting at this point anyways i have tried killing myself like 5 times this month but he always stops me he says he get to choose when we die and we can kill ourself together before we reach 30 years old, I know it's selfish but i just wanna fucking die i can't take this anymore but i don't want him to kill himself when i do it but at the same time i want him to. he always threw out anything i could in my room to kill myself with and he checks my phone mostly everyday now, he doesn't know much about this website I doubt he will find out, is there even anyway to fix this, sorry if this doesn't even make sense i just had to tell someone.
