how do i cope with being too weak for suicide

[cantthinkofusername]

i just feel wretched. i feel disgusting and worthless and pathetic and subhuman. there is nothing about who and what i am that i dont hate. i am disgusting and worthless and pathetic and subhuman but it would all be okay if i was strong enough to end it all. it wouldnt make what i am okay but it would make what i am end. but i cant do it and so im worthless. ive never been strong enough to do it and so i have always been worthless. and as long as im alive it will mean i havent been able to do it which means as long as i exist i always will be worthless. it feels like its eating away at me always. it feels like im being gnawed on inside by a thousand insects. im poison and i ruin anything i touch. and ill always be this way. i cant be redeemed as long as i live. but i cant die and its pathetic. i feel wretched. i have sn. not even in a solution that i can pretend is too salty to drink. its in pills and i leave them sitting on my desk at all times but i still cant do it. i want to die more than anything else but i cant do it. i hate myself. how do i make it go away.
i wanna take just one of these pills so i can know for sure if i want to die or not but i cant even do that. i dont wanna risk needing to go to the hospital for a not-even suicide attempt. which is logical but i still hate myself. i wanna die but i dont know if i do. it hurts and i dont want it to hurt.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

how do i make it go away.

One way could be to focus on something else. To the extent that you focus on a sound, for example, you can't also focus on negative self talk at the same time. If you try this, maybe with the sound of music; it might feel like you can't focus, but you actually can (it's just in smaller hits until we train the focus, but at the instant when we focus the majority of the attention on the sound it should "go away"). If this sounds interesting to you I have a meditation megathread with resources. https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/meditation-megathread-pin-this.187169/