Story How did you feel when you first learned about death as a child?

[MyStateKilledMe]

Disclaimer: by "death", I'm talking about a natural death, like from old age or a severe illness; or an accidental death, like a from plane crash or a workplace accident. I'm NOT talking about true suicide. (Although later learning that I could actually CTB was an even bigger relief.)

Pretty much since I became self-aware at 3 years, I felt VERY miserable, and hated my life. I hated my family, who delighted in punishing me. I hated taking naps. I hated going to bed early. I hated eating the crap my parents forced me to eat, like oatmeal and steamed broccoli. I hated my classmates at preschool and school, who always picked on me. I hated my teachers, who looked for every opportunity to get me in trouble with my parents. Simply put, I hated my life, and wished I wasn't born. But being a stupid kid, I thought I was gonna live forever---and therefore BE MISERABLE forever, like in Hell.

Imagine my surprise when I learned that all people eventually DIE. That is, they cease to do what people do, and simply cease to exist. I was ECSTATIC to learn that. Because it meant I'd eventually be dead too. And so would the people mistreating me. In other words, my misery was FINITE; it'd eventually END. Of course, for a kid, anything longer than a month might at well be 1,000,000 years, but simply knowing that the end of my misery was THERE made all the difference in the world. So I started looking forward to being dead. I even started planning my funeral: what kind of casket I'd be buried in, who would come, which cemetery it'd be at, what the reception would be like (forgetting that I wouldn't be there to attend it), and how my entire family would feel guilty about treating me so badly when I was alive. Mind you, I was only 7 years old, and having thoughts even many 70-year-olds ignore; that's both deep and messed up!

 

[PeacefulTonic]

I honestly can't remember, so I'm sure it didn't phase me much

 

[healthrecovery]

Interesting story bro but you really have some issues lol
Oatmeal and steamed brocolli doesn't sound apetizing
Dunno as a kid i believed in reincarnation i always did

 

[Suicidebydeath]

Strange, I can't remember ever being unaware of death. My memory only goes back to when I was around 4 years old though, everything before that has always been a blur like a dream to me. I think I knew about death because insects died all the time and I understood what was happening to them, that death was the end of living things. I can never remember a revelation about death, and I was suicidal by the time I was 10-11. Maybe earlier, but I might not have known about the concept of suicide by then. Around that age or a bit older, I remember hearing of other suicides among my peers, described graphically, and one of us died in a car accident.

So I knew about death but I was really behind on other stuff. I didn't know that families beating their kids was shocking to my peers until I was around 16 when I overhead someone talking about how shocking it was to almost get slapped. For some reason that had a big impact on me.

Ctb never felt like a good thing to me it felt like something I'd be forced to do to end my suffering. My head felt like exploding at the time, it felt like it was being crushed. I'm sure something broke in me when I was trying to deal with my thoughts back then. Damn, I made a solely depressive post, I need to fix that somehow because I'm trying to avoid doing that for personal reasons.

I love y'all. Death is both a blessing and a curse. The passing of others has always made me sad no matter the circumstances. Everyone deserves a fair chance of life I think. None of us deserve to be here or asked for this but here we are. I hope everybody finds peace one way or the other.

 

[existtosuffer]

It was around the time I was 8 that I started to grasp it more. It made me sad that the people I'm suppose to love will end up dead. It made me see that death is more powerful than love, and it's not worth loving people, because it will end in disappointment.

 

[...]

not sure about the very first concept of death but I know I used to only associate it with something that happened in accidents, murder, illness etc etc and I vividly remember when I learnt that in fact everyone dies eventually regardless. I think I was quite surprised and maybe felt a little less calm about things from that day. maybe felt more pressure or something idk.

 

[MyStateKilledMe]

Oatmeal and steamed brocolli doesn't sound apetizing
Dunno as a kid i believed in reincarnation i always did

It's ironic how I now eat steamed broccoli pretty often, even cooking it myself. Although, I season it with garlic salt, parmesan cheese, and cayenne pepper. Good stuff! At the same time, I still hate oatmeal; I throw up in my mouth at the sight or smell of it.

I didn't believe in reincarnation as a kid. I was perfectly content to just lie in my casket, "knowing" how guilty my family feels over mistreating me in life.

 

[healthrecovery]

It's ironic how I now eat steamed broccoli pretty often, even cooking it myself. Although, I season it with garlic salt, parmesan cheese, and cayenne pepper. Good stuff! At the same time, I still hate oatmeal; I throw up in my mouth at the sight or smell of it.

I didn't believe in reincarnation as a kid. I was perfectly content to just lie in my casket, "knowing" how guilty my family feels over mistreating me in life.

I think you have to fancy up the oatmeal with raisins, cinnamon, butter and maybe a bit of vanilla flavoured protein powder...defo use full cream milk. That broccolli combination sounds nice tho i always use soy sauce or oyster sauce on my broccolli. I always got served wheat porrage with milk called brinta with chocolate in it...i actually fucking hated it but there wasn't anything else to eat i always got served trash with something sweet in it.

 

[MyStateKilledMe]

I think you have to fancy up the oatmeal with raisins, cinnamon, butter and maybe a bit of vanilla flavoured protein powder...defo use full cream milk.

As a kid, the most I was allowed to put on my oatmeal was butter and sugar, and maybe honey---IF my parents were in a good mood. So... when a basic need like eating is turned into a weapon against you---and it's your own family doing it---being dead starts to seem more pleasant than being alive.

 

[healthrecovery]

As a kid, the most I was allowed to put on my oatmeal was butter and sugar, and maybe honey---IF my parents were in a good mood. So... when a basic need like eating is turned into a weapon against you---and it's your own family doing it---being dead starts to seem more pleasant than being alive.

Yeah i forgot the honey..crucial ingredient how can i forget....Well if the food you eat is pretty dead of course you would feel that way i bet you would feel different if you got served fresh vibrant salads with lots of variation. Most families i have visited eat shit foods..it always some grain based productwith sweet shit or cheese...or some sweetened milk. Of all countries the dutch have the worst breakfasts..always bread, butter, jelly, cheese or some other disgusting sweet processed garbage. Usually when people visit this country for free handouts and benefits they are shocked how bad the cuisine really is.

 

[WrongPlaceWrongTime]

At first I was terrified at the idea of death, as I didn't know what would happen after. I was also scared of the idea of family members inevitably dying one day. Now I realize it is probably just a peaceful void of nonexistence on the other side, not a "heaven" or "hell" to reward or punish me as many religions purport.

 

[MyStateKilledMe]

Yeah i forgot the honey..crucial ingredient how can i forget....Well if the food you eat is pretty dead of course you would feel that way i bet you would feel different if you got served fresh vibrant salads with lots of variation. Most families i have visited eat shit foods..it always some grain based productwith sweet shit or cheese...or some sweetened milk. Of all countries the dutch have the worst breakfasts..always bread, butter, jelly, cheese or some other disgusting sweet processed garbage. Usually when people visit this country for free handouts and benefits they are shocked how bad the cuisine really is.

Well, I'm American. American breakfasts are usually: (A) corn flakes with milk, (B) pancakes with syrup and fruit, or (C) fried eggs with toast and bacon. Drinks usually consist of orange juice (kids) or coffee (adults). Oatmeal is more of a British thing, but my parents embraced it because it was "healthy" (but disgusting!), so they wanted me to eat it. I ate A and B pretty often; C was my favorite, but more of a weekend treat.

Basically, when a basic need like food feels like torture on most days, being dead starts to feel more appealing than being alive.

 

[motel rooms]

I was molested as a child, so I became passively suicidal at an early age, which means I yearned not to exist even before I learned what death was. I distinctly remember the day I concluded that people were lying about Jesus & his victory over death. It made more sense to me that God the Father hated his son & wanted him dead because I thought all fathers were like mine.

 

[edu0z]

when I was 11 years old I thought that if I died I would become a ghost... no one could see and I would be free at last. Since then my greatest fantasy has always been death.

 

[LucieInTheDark]

I pondered about death as soon as I became self aware, when I was 4-5 years old.
I just started thinking about nothingness, I got really anxious and tried to distract my thoughts

 

[wanttogetonthebus]

I don't think I really cared that much. It's not even memorable enough to recall when I first grasped the concept. Even though I knew things can die, I never thought I'd die or considered that possibility, so I didn't really feel anything about it I think.

 

[FuneralCry]

I remember as a child walking around a cemetery to visit a family member and I remember wishing I was dead. I just found the thought so comforting of resting permanently. I have never understood people who enjoyed life and I have never wanted to be alive.

 

[ClownMe]

I didn't really give it much thought as a kid and I suppose I just accepted it, it wasn't until just before my teen years that I started thinking about death more and more.

 

[Dot]

Jst remmbr b-ing 8 yrs old & b-ing scrd 2 g/ 2 slp bc ddnt thnk wld wke up.

 

[Someone123]

I was under so much stress from a very young age that I couldn't worry about it, I had to try to survive (mentally and emotionally) day to day.

 

[Snake of Eden]

I went through a deep depression when i first learned about death at 7 years old

 

[MyStateKilledMe]

I went through a deep depression when i first learned about death at 7 years old

That's interesting, although understandable. You might have have had a better childhood than I did, since death felt scary to you. When I first learned that I'd eventually die, I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. Because me dying someday meant my misery was FINITE.

Today, I tolerate being alive reasonably well, thanks to alcohol, cigarettes, and prescription drugs, but I don't enjoy it. So if a doctor suddenly told me I had 24 hours to live, I'd shrug and say "OK, whatever, doc".

 

[demuic]

I don't remember when I first understood the concept of death.

I remember I was always scared that my mother would die suddenly or be killed. I didn't want to be left with only my father. I was scared of dying in a painful manner.

I would watch a lot of crime shows with my mother since I was young so I was aware of all the painful and gruesome things that people do to each other.

 

[MyStateKilledMe]

I remember I was always scared that my mother would die suddenly or be killed. I didn't want to be left with only my father. I was scared of dying in a painful manner.

I would watch a lot of crime shows with my mother since I was young so I was aware of all the painful and gruesome things that people do to each other.

That's very interesting. I was like that too: I was scared of my family members dying when I'm still around, but my own death felt like sweet relief or even something pleasant. I was only 6 at the time.

My parents were strict about what they let me watch on TV, but news slipped though the cracks. So I ended up seeing a lot of them. And I always felt jealous of kids who were shot to death in the gang crossfire or were run over by trucks or trains. Because they never had to be miserable ever again, unlike me. (Although due to my limited worldview, it never occurred to me that a person could be happy as a child.)

 

[TheHatedOne]

In my early times I didn't give it that much of a thought, probably unaware of it. But around 7 or 8 when I became aware, I had the opposite reaction of what I'd have today. I would sometimes sit on the sofa, at that age, and just think about me at old age dying and I would freeze of anxiety, it was kinda agonizing ngl, especially with the religious indoctrination at school. I feared death, I wanted to live and I think I was one of those types that wanted to live forever (I wanna slap myself).

When shit started to go downhill years later, I started to think that maybe death wouldn't be that bad, though I had times where I'd switch my views.

Now, holy cow, I really want death to take me. It's my biggest dream.

 

[FromGermany]

When I was 12 or so and came back from a 14 days school trip, my parents told me, that during my absence my grandfather has died due to a heart attack and the same night my grandmother felt into coma und passed away a few days later due to broken heart syndrome.

They told me also, a teacher found it a bad idea to inform me earlier. So the funerals were already over. I found that not very amusing.

Since that day I started to investigate death, afterlife all these things also on a scientific base for more than 40 years, made EVP experiments for 7 years, counseled people. For me there is no doubt, that there is an afterlife. Not on a religious base. It's some kind of universal dimension.

Graveyards do mean nothing to me. The souls are anywhere but for sure not in the grave. It's nice to have a place for a memory for some people, but I have absolutely no connection to that, probably because due to my ban from the funeral of my grandfather and grandmother.

My wife is always in my mind. There is the place for my eternal love to her and there is only one thing important to me, the reunion with her.

I have absolutely no fear of death due to my knowledge and my own experiences.
They only thing I fear is, that something can go wrong and that I will survive with damages the day after I have decided, that it is enough.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Honestly I think I learned about death at such an early age that I can't remember. I probably got it from watching a movie but the only movie from my early early childhood that I remember watching that also had death in it was Anastasia…

 

[weeks of the day]

I was suicidal by the time I was 10-11. Maybe earlier, but I might not have known about the concept of suicide by then.

About the same for me as well for that. I can remember searching for painless ways to die/kill yourself online at that age and finding a site that ranked some, including hanging and carbon monoxide poisoning. Almost nostalgic in a way to come here and see such ways once again. No clue when I first learnt about death in general and how I felt about it, though.

 

[MyStateKilledMe]

Graveyards do mean nothing to me. The souls are anywhere but for sure not in the grave. It's nice to have a place for a memory for some people, but I have absolutely no connection to that, probably because due to my ban from the funeral of my grandfather and grandmother.

That sounds like the Jewish faith's view on cemeteries: they're places of deep respect but they're also spiritually unclean. In fact, you're required to perform a hand washing ritual shortly after leaving a cemetery. Judaism discourages frequent cemetery visits by the same persons beyond the initial period of mourning (11 months for parents and children, 1 month for other family members and friends), to deter the idolization of that person's grave. Even so, it does encourage as many survivors of the deceased as possible to visit and care for the grave, to show respect for the person who died.

On that note, Judaism has an interesting tradition: anyone who visits a grave puts a small stone on it, regardless of their relationship to the deceased. Even strangers visiting the Tomb on an Unknown Soldier in Israel still put a stone on it. That has an intriguing reason behind it: deterring vandals. We all know Jews aren't the most regarded people, which means their graves often got vandalized. So having many stones on a grave is meant to send a message: "This grave gets visited by many people; if you disturb it, you will suffer personally!"

Source: I was Jewish before I became an atheist, due to many situations that killed my faith in god.

 

[Unicornsrnot4dislife]

I was around 6 years old and I can't remember my feelings, I remember no one really talking about it. Also again when I was 10 years old. I remember being upset but again all the adults kinda running around, and no conversation about what was happening.