How did the onset of depression look for you? At what age? This also stands for other illnesses 🫂

[Spiritual survivor]

I distinctly remember beginning to experience depression at age 13. I would get sad before that age but at 13 is when I remember actually ruminating and staying stuck in that state for a longer period.

 

[spooky0-0]

I had a pretty traumatizing childhood so I starting developing symptoms early but it got really bad when I was about 12 or 13. I was crying all the time already and it just got worse. I stopped talking to my friends I started not doing my work in school I stopped eating lunch I started sh I stopped eating breakfast I started not sleeping or just sleeping too much and then I started becoming suicidal with my attempts getting worse each time, I was in and out of the hospital and I still struggle to stay out of the hospital

 

[I Can't Say]

I guess the depressions kind of creeped up on me in high school. I was doing some emo teen stuff like tying nooses in pieces of string. Quitting school activities because I started to feel like I was just there to fill out the roster. Up and down in college; had to withdraw from school for a bit at one point. In retrospect, it seems strange that nobody suggested I seek treatment at that point. Mental illness stigma, I guess. Didn't actually get diagnosed until, what, nearly 30.

 

[ilikemoais]

since i was like 10-12 can't remember exactly tbh, at that age i realized how trash was the world in general and wondered how people could accept this life and keep going, i said to myself at that age that i don't think that i can't live a life for much longer if the world keeps the same. And here i am 8 years later 21 yo not knowing for how much i can hold this lifestyle without giving up

 

[venin.n]

Almost 30. Rough life lol

It's so rough for some of us… ffs

Peeps, I made a server on discord if you wanna join. Basically for venting, chit-chats, sharing stuff, whatever

Here's the link

I distinctly remember beginning to experience depression at age 13. I would get sad before that age but at 13 is when I remember actually ruminating and staying stuck in that state for a longer period.

Did you have any other symptoms of mdd?

 

[venin.n]

since i was like 10-12 can't remember exactly tbh, at that age i realized how trash was the world in general and wondered how people could accept this life and keep going, i said to myself at that age that i don't think that i can't live a life for much longer if the world keeps the same. And here i am 8 years later 21 yo not knowing for how much i can hold this lifestyle without giving up

That's so early to be that aware. That must've been harsh af. You're tough mydude

 

[buoy]

My brother had a brain tumor when I was really young. Elementary school age, and I remember thinking about death and becoming curious what it would be like for me to take my own life.

That moment I thought of hanging for the first time. I think it was 3rd grade. Maybe 5th.

I wouldn't say I consistently was depressed from that moment on, but I started to have issues from there. Cigarettes, drugs, counselors, anger, depression, ups, downs; but never once did I consider the future as a possibility because of all of this.

 

[venin.n]

My brother had a brain tumor when I was really young. Elementary school age, and I remember thinking about death and becoming curious what it would be like for me to take my own life.

That moment I thought of hanging for the first time. I think it was 3rd grade. Maybe 5th.

I wouldn't say I consistently was depressed from that moment on, but I started to have issues from there. Cigarettes, drugs, counselors, anger, depression, ups, downs; but never once did I consider the future as a possibility because of all of this.

you one tough mf for still being here

 

[buoy]

you one tough mf for still being here

I dont think I've had anyone say anything like that to me before. You brought a tear to my eye.

Much love, friend.

 

[venin.n]

I dont think I've had anyone say anything like that to me before. You brought a tear to my eye.

Much love, friend.

You are I'm glad I got to say something that should've been said a lot actually

 

[Myforevercharlie]

I was 15. Just ran away from home. Everything that had happened, and a very scary future where the start of a lifelong struggle. A few years after that I was officially diagnosed with BPD, chronic depression and an anxiety disorder.

I'm 47 now

 

[buoy]

You are I'm glad I got to say something that should've been said a lot actually

I hope we can engage in more dialogue.
I highly appreciate you friend.

And looking around this website, it seems like a lot of others do too.

Stay gold ponyboy.

 

[venin.n]

I hope we can engage in more dialogue.
I highly appreciate you friend.

And looking around this website, it seems like a lot of others do too.

Stay gold ponyboy.

Thank you sir

You are appreciated also

You can join the discord server I made if you wanna. Or maybe chat privately there.

 

[buoy]

Thank you sir

You are appreciated also

You can join the discord server I made if you wanna. Or maybe chat privately there.

Will do but I'm having trouble finding it again. If you get the chance to point me in the right direction, I'd really appreciate it.

 

[venin.n]

Will do but I'm having trouble finding it again. If you get the chance to point me in the right direction, I'd really appreciate it.

Discord - Group Chat That’s All Fun & Games

Discord is great for playing games and chilling with friends, or even building a worldwide community. Customize your own space to talk, play, and hang out.

discord.gg

Sure

Discord - Group Chat That’s All Fun & Games

Discord is great for playing games and chilling with friends, or even building a worldwide community. Customize your own space to talk, play, and hang out.

discord.gg

Sure

Whoa, I just saw your status @buoy Dude people here are so smart and sensitive

 

[deadlemonade]

around 5th grade for me. had a reoccurring dream that i'd kill myself with scissors in front of my science class as like revenge. then in 6th grade it hit my harder and i attempted a couple of times. nothing ever landed me in the hospital because after sitting in a noose for awhile can be uncomfortable. ever since then i'd wish i was dead. for different reasons then when i first did, but same goal to ctb

I was 24 when it happened. I was studying a lot and gradually I felt I couldn't learn anymore, I was repelled by my books, by college, everything.

I'll give more details later as this is all I can recall rn (depression)

I didn't have an apetite for food anymore. I couldn't sleep anymore, just for a couple of hours. I feel like I just woke up in hell. I didn't knew what was happening to me.
I felt like my interior just shut down and something very dark and cruel had taken its place. Every second felt like pure torment, like an eternity.

 

[buoy]

Discord - Group Chat That’s All Fun & Games

Discord is great for playing games and chilling with friends, or even building a worldwide community. Customize your own space to talk, play, and hang out.

discord.gg

Sure

Whoa, I just saw your status @buoy Dude people here are so smart and sensitive

They sure are. I'm finding that out FS.

 

[venin.n]

I was definitely not diagnosed at that age but the most I can remember is that 6th grade is when it went downhill. 8th grade was when I bounced back, but just a few months later it all went down the drain with the beginning of 9th grade. I can't say I was quote on quote ''bullied'', like in the movies, but people really started to pick on me for my looks, especially my weight, so that's when I developed the ED that changed my life. By the middle-near end of 6th grade I was isolating myself to the point I didn't want to get out of the house anymore due to social anxiety. I would fight any attempt to be taken outside. End of 8th grade is when I started to seek help but at the same time developed unhealthy coping mechanisms like SH. Of course, I didn't get the help I needed, as here you're considered dead end insane if you go to therapy. My mother couldn't put that name on her daughter. High school was just an endless pit of depression. High school is over and I'm still there.
*For reference I turn 20 in less than a month, fortunately I don't think I'll reach a 20th birthday.

You're a baddass for still being here. Happy you're still with us

Much love and consideration

I was 16, almost 17. I think I had been depressed for years but I never realized until then. A few months or weeks before that I even checked the symptoms of depression and for some reason I thought that I had none of them, when I really had most. For the first few months I think I was very visibly depressed, but then I just learned to live with it and never showed it so much again. Now it's very strange to think that there was a time when I wasn't like this.

It's so sneaky and vicious, depression

I'm sure I was deposed for longer but I took my first overdose when I was 13. (I'm now 42)

Fucking shit that's a long time

Tough individual you are

Officially, I was diagnosed with depression around age 13 due to my parents divorcing. I want to say I've had it earlier than that (10-11? maybe earlier?) after my parents being continually annoyed and disappointed with how much of a failure I am. I distinctly remember overhearing an argument they had over how I still didn't know how to tie my shoes at age 11.

I can't exactly remember when I became suicidal, aside from offhandedly mentioning how I didn't want to live anymore when my parents were lecturing me about doing poorly in school. I'm sure it was before that, but I can't remember when or why.

that's awful of them. I hope you're better now

We're goad you're still here with us

I noticed that I didn't fit in with other kids around 3rd-ish grade.

I started experiencing actual depression in high school. Also developed an eating disorder and self-harm around this time. I was so tired all of the time, I would get home from school and immediately go to sleep. The nurse's office let me sleep there during lunch since I was so tired and didn't eat anything anyway.

It got a bit better once I went to college, but in general hasn't abated much despite meds and therapy. No longer have an ED or urge to self-harm, thankfully

Glad you're better though. I relate a lot with the fatigue aspect. I've been that way since my childhood…

I think I was 10 when I first got depressed. I realised what life truly is and, additionally, I never made a friend or even an acquaintance which contributed to me suffering a lot.

How old are you now?

I say I've had depression my whole life, as I have diary entries from when I was 5/6 about wanting to ctb. I think it really got severe when I was 14, let up a little in college, and then came back a little in early covid (until I started exercising daily lol) and a lot when I started grad school at 23.

Probably since age 7ish. I would try to drown myself in the bathtub.

You are tough to survie growing up in these circumstances. You should give yourself that. How old are you now?

My onset was around age 50 when I realized my body was not going to support me like it had and there were things I couldn't do anymore.
There are many other daily factors, work life, home life, missing out on things, I think I realized how miserable I was when I was stuck at home during Covid. Isolation can mess with your mind. I function as best as I can and can put on a good happy face.

Yeah, staying with yourself is really had sometimes. During covid it was just crazy

I think when I was about 14 (maybe the second half of 13) depression technically started. At that time, for example, I started playing truant A LOT. I am currently 20 and the question is not if I will commit CTB, but when I will.

I can understand

 

[SpencerSees]

I was around 10-11.
I lost my best friend and my abuser got fired, so I felt completely alone.
I think the first thing I noticed was the almost painful hollowness in my chest, and how no matter how much I slept I just couldn't feel well-rested. Then the suicidal ideation came. I think I always had that, even as early as kindergarten my first response to any stressful event was "What if i died right now? Would they regret how they treated me?", but this time it wasn't just passive wondering. I started cutting myself around this time too.

 

[BLEH:3]

At 5-6, remember and still have my suicide diary from then. Was just different then most people, always a bit fucked up, first attempt at 9 and 5 more till 16 teenage years were good but was just fucked up everyday. Drugs at 15 took over my life. And spent a but in a psych ward after getting cought with my attempt and with 6g of ketamine. Abuse from my parents cause of my depression. Not fun mostly

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm not convinced that I am depressed. Not in an illness sense anyway. I've certainly had very low periods in life but they have been in direct response to shitty things that were happening in my life. The first major one where ideation also first appeared was aged 10. I was mourning the loss of three close family members but the nail in the coffin was growing up with a (suspected) narcissist. Ages 10-18 were the worst of my life- to date. I felt slightly better when I left home for uni. That was followed by 10 very unhappy years in retail. I was definitely depressed at that point. Followed by a second round of uni in which I had highs and lows. Followed by a patchy freelance/Head of Department 'career' that has also had highs and lows. So, it's more like situational depression for me with ideation as a constant. Even when things were going ok, I was still fine with the thought of dying.

 

[venin.n]

sometime around 7-8 years old. i have always felt like i was born into inadequacy, i tried to commit for the first time at 11 and the last time at 18. 23 now and looking to make this last attempt final because 16 years of wanting to die and not ever getting better might be worth noting lol.

I see you

how were your past attempts?

 

[feannagan]

Around ages 8-10, I saw a news segment about a woman with SAD that resonated with how I was feeling.
My sleep was erratic, I was basically nocturnal and falling asleep in class but awake all night. I struggled with irritability, hated myself, hated other people, and began self-harming by 11 because I felt so angry at myself and the world and needed to punish myself somehow.
Prior to this, I had dealt with anxiety and symptoms of OCD since around age 7. I saw a psychologist for anxiety, OCD, and self-esteem issues, but it took years for anyone to recognize my depression. I tried to tell people that I was depressed but no one believed me, my family thought I was copying my older brother with depression and my doctor thought it was attention seeking.

I attempted when I was 17 (wasn't the first attempt but it was the one where I was caught) and after that they started taking me seriously. It was then that I was diagnosed with complex PTSD and a dissociative disorder, which my psychologist believed I'd had for the last 10 years or so and that the trauma had been the root cause of the depression and anxiety.

 

[90SecondsToMidnight]

I'd love to give a specific time, But in all honesty I couldnt tell you. Best I could say was it started when I was young, probably very early teens. For about as long as i can remember i was just never really Motivated or Excited by anything. Lifes always seemed dull. Like a crude black and white photo. My memories of life are like Watching a video filmed in a radioactive location, everything's fuzzy, and for all i know my memories could be skewed. Thats just how lifes been for me though and Ive just kind of accepted it as normal at this point.

 

[Life Is My Coffin]

I've ALWAYS been this way. I have memories of saying I hate myself at around 8 years old and actually meaning it. And even before then I remember after I was 5 years old and my dad divorced my mom I realized how futile and gloomy life really is. It took me many years to realize not everyone's brain works that way

 

[mekurin]

I was 12 when it started. Going to year 7 in secondary school (UK) I had no friends till year 9. I didn't talk to anyone, could hardly focus. Had no energy to do any of the homework. I went from being labelled "bright and talented" to "lazy", "failure" and so on. I didn't talk to anyone about it till I was 18 cuz yk, boys don't cry. I basically bottled it up for 6 years. I told my parents how I felt, they were compassionate at first but it didn't take long till I would get the "I had it worse than you and I'm fine". Funny how my mum can say that after being a major reason for my depression. Self harm started when I was 12 too. Nothing major, just refused to eat or ate way too much. Started alcholism at 16, cutting at 17 and now I'm 19. I cut burn drink choke and so on. My mum decided to stop paying for my therapy because of an argument we had. She loves to ignore the fact I have BPD, MDD, autism and ADHD all mixed together in a nice cocktail of feeling shitty. She got pissed at me, booted me off the internet so I can't play video games (one of the few things I sometimes enjoy) and stopped paying for my therapist because that sure as hell is gonna help. All I get from her is food and electricty. I pay for my bed for my wifi and for my medication even tho I earn very little from a part time job I do while attending uni full time. I really want to ctb this christmas as my parents will be away and I will be alone for christmas. I lived most of my life alone and I die alone on christmas. Lovely.

 

[cryvinglightning]

i don't know. it just crept on me at around 9-10. i was in a new town and severely bullied. never fully processed it and recovered.

 

[dejadoom]

I see you

how were your past attempts?

unsuccessful to say the least, the first time was just random handfuls of pills i could find in my house lol, just woke up with a raging headache and probs some permanent damage to my kidneys and liver. then tried again with antidepressants 3 times throughout my teen years and same story essentially but with alcohol in the mix, this time i'm going to try to look into getting a firearm and be done with it by the new year

 

[TapeMachine]

I was 5/6 years old when the agony materialized within my brain. I've always been a sensitive soul..

Edited to add:
The onset of my depression involved a lot of rumination, anxiety, and crying myself to sleep at night.

 

[Kit1]

I was abused from the age of 2 or earlier - don't know when it started. Clearly learnt the art of dissociation, had managed to brun the same room twice by the age of 4, was constantly found wondering the streets aline by the age of four, non verbal till 5/6, first proper cbt attempt at 14, diagnosed with PTSD and since then Comptex PTSD, CFS and possibly autism (the assessment referral was messed up by GPs surgery - and now I don't engage with GPs surgery or hospital and don't taken any of the medication I was on. Late 40s now. Don't know why or how my life started and don't have a clue how it will end - trying to stay on for th3 sake of my children as they are happy children who have only known love, safety and security and I want them to carry on feeling loved and safe. Will try and carry on for ad long as possible. Without meds, it will only be there matter of time as I will need to end it when I become quite sick as I do not want to be treated by the NHS for anything.