Discussion How confident are you that you will CTB when the time is right?

[eternalmelancholy]

By all means I should have been dead years ago if I had the choice. I always told myself if things get any worse I will be compelled to finally CTB.

But life has gotten progressively worse each year and I am still here. I always thought I could CTB if the time was right. But there have been multiple "right times" already. I am not sure what I am waiting for. Maybe I want to see how deep this spiral can go but in reality I am probably just too scared.

Maybe all of this researching different methods, setting deadlines, buying chemicals, weapons, rope, etc is just a way of coping because deep down you know you can't go through with it.

 

[SuicidallyCurious]

When I am advanced age I will almost certainly do it. Today I am somewhat satisfied with life , I can go along day to day and sometimes more

 

[signifying nothing]

It's probably true that some of the things we do to manage our situations are just keeping us afloat rather than taking us anywhere. But maybe that's all we have the energy for.

Or maybe we're waiting for something to change externally to ourselves, something to happen somewhere else.

Maybe we're using things to distract us from other things we would rather not face. For example, I know for me thinking about and researching things was a way to ignore difficult memories and feelings. Perhaps the research and planning you describe are similar - they give a sense of focus and direction and purpose, but really they lead nowhere and instead mask something deeper that you're not able or ready to deal with.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

When I am advanced age I will almost certainly do it. Today I am somewhat satisfied with life , I can go along day to day and sometimes more

How are you so sure? Everyday I wake up in severe mental anguish and semi-debilitating physical pain. Yet I still can't seem to go through with it despite wanting to for years.

It's probably true that some of the things we do to manage our situations are just keeping us afloat rather than taking us anywhere. But maybe that's all we have the energy for.

Or maybe we're waiting for something to change externally to ourselves, something to happen somewhere else.

Maybe we're using things to distract us from other things we would rather not face. For example, I know for me thinking about and researching things was a way to ignore difficult memories and feelings. Perhaps the research and planning you describe are similar - they give a sense of focus and direction and purpose, but really they lead nowhere and instead mask something deeper that you're not able or ready to deal with.

Thank you for this post. You described what I was feeling much better than I could ever do.

I think this is why a forum like this needs to exist. It connects people who feel like they are completely alone and shows them that it is natural to have these kinds of thoughts and feelings.

 

[sorella santini]

What do you consider a right time? I know for me to ctb the right circumstances along with the right frame of mind will have to combine to compel me to finally do it.
I do know that the planning and prep has been part of the process and has been both a distraction and purposeful.

 

[Celerity]

Not at all. That is why I have chosen a method I can't take back (bullet to the brain). In addition to the gun, I am going to do the deed out in the middle of nowhere - or as close to it as possible in this godforsaken state - after having dosed myself with bloodthinners over several days and slicing open the forearm of my non-dominant hand. May or may not go through with the slicing and dicing. Might not have the balls for that. Don't want any last-minute doubts or fear of pain creeping in. For good measure, I will also disconnect my phone, so no calling for help in case I pussy out.

 

[the_final_countdown]

There was a YouTube video about two twins that threw themselves into traffic.

Everybody always wondered what made them that actively suicidal. Having experienced terrible anguish and poor health, I understand their desperation. Clear as day.

Ernest Hemingway was like that before he killed himself. Actively walking towards the propellor of planes. Family hid guns away from him.

I don't know if I'll kill myself tomorrow. Or never and just watch my life spiral down.

Many people don't understand what it's like living in my body, now somewhat damaged from hormonal changes due to medication. Endless panic attacks. Endless anxiety. Endless pain.

I hope I have the courage to end my life before watching my life go down the toilet. I don't want to experience more suffering. And I don't want to live 60 more years like this. It's absurd. Just profound psychological pain.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

What do you consider a right time? I know for me to ctb the right circumstances along with the right frame of mind will have to combine to compel me to finally do it.
I do know that the planning and prep has been part of the process and has been both a distraction and purposeful.

I don't know exactly but it is this feeling you get. You just become calm and accept that it's time to go. I had a few moments like before where I was peaceful yet felt this strong urge to die. I believe I lost these few precious moments since I ultimately failed to capitalize on them.

Hopefully the next time I can go through with it.

Not at all. That is why I have chosen a method I can't take back (bullet to the brain). In addition to the gun, I am going to do the deed out in the middle of nowhere - or as close to it as possible in this godforsaken state - after having dosed myself with bloodthinners over several days and slicing open the forearm of my non-dominant hand. May or may not go through with the slicing and dicing. Might not have the balls for that. Don't want any last-minute doubts or fear of pain creeping in. For good measure, I will also disconnect my phone, so no calling for help in case I pussy out.

That is pretty intense. I've been meticulously planning and practicing my method of choice. But nothing on the level of your planning.

Many people don't understand what it's like living in my body, now somewhat damaged from hormonal changes due to medication. Endless panic attacks. Endless anxiety. Endless pain.

I hope I have the courage to end my life before watching my life go down the toilet. I don't want to experience more suffering. And I don't want to live 60 more years like this. It's absurd. Just profound psychological pain.

I also hope to have the courage one day to end this miserable existence. If life is already this miserable I can't even imagine all the unforseeable pains and torment that life has in store.

 

[Trisolaris]

I'm a 100 percent sure. Although, with me it's not a question of time but of access to a reliable method.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

I'm a 100 percent sure. Although, with me it's not a question of time but of access to a reliable method.

Maybe wait after the netflix adaptation of the three body problem comes out? Should be interesting.

 

[Deathbydemo]

I am 100% confident. Personally, I always had a feeling I wouldn't see old age, or anywhere near it. I don't know how to explain it. It's a miracle that I even managed to see my 30th birthday. But now, I am tired. I am exhausted of trying to fight. I know my time has come to an end, and I'm perfectly okay with that.

I guess when there is nothing left to fight for, then that's how I know it's time to go.

 

[GarageKarate07]

By all means I should have been dead years ago if I had the choice. I always told myself if things get any worse I will be compelled to finally CTB.

But life has gotten progressively worse each year and I am still here. I always thought I could CTB if the time was right. But there have been multiple "right times" already. I am not sure what I am waiting for. Maybe I want to see how deep this spiral can go but in reality I am probably just too scared.

Maybe all of this researching different methods, setting deadlines, buying chemicals, weapons, rope, etc is just a way of coping because deep down you know you can't go through with it.

Haha! More hard truths! Are we going forward out of a sick and morbid curiosity? Do we talk and talk and talk about CTB to cope and keep us going or to merely "seek attention" in a world that feels lonely and cold? How many times have we held a loaded pistol to our heads? How many times have we cried at the counselors office knowing they won't and can't do shit for us? How afraid are we really of the unknown that awaits us on the other side? I myself spent lots of money and time on methods. Why am I still sitting here? It would take less than a few minutes to finish it. I love it! This is good stuff!! Looking in the mirror is a pain in the ass and not one of us likes it. LOL

 

[hopeisgone]

I have ordered my method and am waiting for it to arrive, though whether or not it will is a big question mark. If it does arrive, I am very curious to see how it will feel to finally hold it in my hands. Actually possessing it, there can be no more excuses. Shit will be REAL. The question then becomes whether I have the courage. And I just.. don't know.

There have been countless threads on "how do you know when the time is right" type questions. The answer that always resonates is when you feel calm, rational, in control.. almost at peace. There is no inner turmoil or emotional distress around the decision. And you still want to do it. I think I've come close to that a few times, but I will be holding out for that moment. How do we make ourselves get to that moment? I wish I knew. Even when all is hopeless, often doubt inexplicably remains.

I wish I knew.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

Need a private anchor point with access to a chair or something, along with a pair of cuffs. Once I do it, I will die. Shit is not bad enough yet, but all I need is a little push (probably would come from education/job).

 

[JustAMatterOfTime]

100%. Things get worse not better. I will go by my own hand.

 

[LunarPyotr]

I personally think that in the end I would let someone else kill me instead of doing it myself.. I don't know.
The thing is that I have currently 2 methods.
One involves my 3D printed, fully functional AK 47 and the other one is something that I don't want to talk about here.
However, there was also a third method, which I figured out in my stay in the hospital, which involves certain guy who I met back in 2015 before my friend died because of accident while DUI

 

[gimme_my_happy_nap]

I can never be completely sure about anything so I'd say 90%.

 

[NeverSatisfied]

M'y first attempt, i was cool as a cucumber. I was ready to go but did a POOR amount of research (ie none) and ended up in so much pain and messing with my health. Now i know how I want to go and have m'y méthod. So next Time i expérience that i know i'll bé cool. I dont know when that feelings gonna come again but I know my diagnosis and I know it will. Dont feel thé need to rush it. As others said, day by day even if thé days get harder- and when that day comes
you'll know

 

[ClairyFairy]

I used to think 100% I'd be able to do it but the more failures I have the more I think I just do not have it in me. I've done so much damage to my body.

 

[WatermelonMel]

I have ordered my method and am waiting for it to arrive, though whether or not it will is a big question mark. If it does arrive, I am very curious to see how it will feel to finally hold it in my hands. Actually possessing it, there can be no more excuses. Shit will be REAL.

Same, mine should be arriving anytime now, I'm excited about it.

 

[WornOutLife]

I know there will be one day on which I'm so desperate that that will be the right time to die. For instance, I have lots of problems right now but I know I can keep living if I want and try to.
However, if I think about what things will be like in 10 years, I just know that I won't be able to deal with that sh*t and leave this world asap.
Thus, that will be my right time to ctb.

 

[Sprite_Geist]

Not very. I have said to myself, many times before, that I would definately go through with it when the situation was right. Yet here I am... Still. It is a problem that some suicidal individuals have: we really want to die when not in a position to make it happen, but when the opportunity finally presents itself we start to have seconds thoughts - I call it "suicidal dissonance".

The cycle must be broken some day - one way or the other.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

I myself spent lots of money and time on methods. Why am I still sitting here? It would take less than a few minutes to finish it. I love it! This is good stuff!! Looking in the mirror is a pain in the ass and not one of us likes it. LOL

I have done enough research, prep and bought enough materials to kill myself today if I really wanted to. But like you I am still here. I think half of all this planning is just distracting myself and putting off ctb for another day. This limbo period is self inflicted torture.

Not very. I have said to myself, many times before, that I would definately go through with it when the situation was right. Yet here I am... Still. It is a problem that some suicidal individuals have: we really want to die when not in a position to make it happen, but when the opportunity finally presents itself we start to have seconds thoughts - I call it "suicidal dissonance".

I have a had few of these moments where everything lined up and I accepted that it was finally time to go. Yet each time I failed to capitalize on the opportunity. I like to think I have incrementally gotten closer to finally ctb each time and that the next time will be the real one.

The problem is these "right times" come very infrequently and there is no guarantee a next time will even come. It could come again decades later when I am 50 years old and completely broken physically and mentally, making it that much harder to actually go through with it. Or maybe the last time was the final time and I lost that opportunity. It is just too random to tell and this uncertainty is hard to think about when you are actively suicidal. What a paradox.

 

[Symbiote]

I had many situations where the time was right to CTB, but didn't carry through or didn't finish the job. Something about hope, sleep, and rest foils those plans immediately and you're back to step one while you try to gather the Pandora's Box of your personal memories to make you go back to that spot again and try once more.

 

[sadbadpsychogirl]

positive

 

[noname223]

I think I am forced to ctb. I cannot work. Poverty will kill me. I sometimes have the feeling there is no real choice for me...

 

[yvrl]

By all means I should have been dead years ago if I had the choice. I always told myself if things get any worse I will be compelled to finally CTB.

But life has gotten progressively worse each year and I am still here. I always thought I could CTB if the time was right. But there have been multiple "right times" already. I am not sure what I am waiting for. Maybe I want to see how deep this spiral can go but in reality I am probably just too scared.

Maybe all of this researching different methods, setting deadlines, buying chemicals, weapons, rope, etc is just a way of coping because deep down you know you can't go through with it.

I am utterly glad I found this site months ago when I was looking for a venue that is open to these kinds of talks. It feels inexplicably comforting knowing that a lot of people goes through this loop too. Misery loves some company.

When I read this post from my email today, I felt like I've connected to it in so many levels. Your words resonate from deep within me. I too have had too many postponed days to ctb because I kept thinking maybe my problems and worries aren't great enough yet to make me do te deed. I have always been suicidal in thoughts. I have never harmed my body before but then when I got faced with a situation where I thought I can never get out from, I attempted to do things I never thought I would do. My first attempt was poorly done because then I had no way to really research on methods and stuffs. I was just doing things impulsively. And it was stupid because I thought it would work out but it was a complete failure as I'm still around until now. Looking back, I kinda mock myself every time I remember how sloppy I did things then. From that first attempt, I knew that something went off inside of me. I just knew that there won't be stopping the thoughts of dying and ending myself. I have always wanted to end myself so badly in situations I hate to be in.

Few months ago, I have been so distressed I felt like dying there and then. I was so determined to just end things without ever thinking about anything. I try my hardest to brush off the image of my family because if I linger on thoughts about them, I would be guilt-ridden and my resolve to end my life would weaken. But I kept thinking about my problems too and how bad I think it is and I got swallowed whole by the thoughts of things never getting better. Decided to buy stuffs online and it was another stupid fail coz I thought it was enough to make me fall asleep but I stayed up awake all night even when I've taken all of the tablets. But I guess it's because what I took wasn't serious enough to actually make me lose consciousness. Lol, it was just a sleeping aide, not a sleeping pill. So since that failed, I look for other ways. Wished I had a gun instead to just make things easier and speedier. Ended up trying to hang myself with a makeshift rope I braided to make it sturdy enough to hold my body. It's still on my ceiling until now, hidden a bit so it ain't so obvious when anyone walks in my room. I failed that one too. But I'm still keeping it just in case my resolve to really die visits me again. It could visit me any time of the day for all I care, I wish it'd visit sooner.

The thing is, I think I'm not brave enough yet to let go of my fear. Fear is what's keeping me leashed. With fear, the paranoia and anxiety just keeps piling. I want to die but I get mad anxious about having to go through the pain of harming myself. There's no easy way out for me, that's what I'm thinking. Relying on hanging alone when I'm completely sober will only ever be effective if I have literally lost sense of everything. I have this immense fear of the obvious things I will have to go through the moment I decide to cbt. Maybe until I stop overthinking them, I would be able to go. I must really make peace with myself beforehand.

My thought process is so awful I don't know if I'm even saying the things I want to say the way I want it to be said. lol. But I've it sure is liberating to have it out here. This place is a breather I can never bring myself to tell anyone in my circle.

Thanks for your post. I've read the comments and oh boy have I not felt this understood my whole life.

 

[gothgal]

I dont think about it in that way, I take it day by day, currently thinking about a awesome movie and a bottle / two of wine to keep me company this weekend.

 

[Carrotcake]

I guess the only moment I'm sure is the moment I actually do it. Anything before that feels meaningless. I can say whatever but I don't trust myself.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

I am utterly glad I found this site months ago when I was looking for a venue that is open to these kinds of talks. It feels inexplicably comforting knowing that a lot of people goes through this loop too. Misery loves some company.

When I read this post from my email today, I felt like I've connected to it in so many levels. Your words resonate from deep within me. I too have had too many postponed days to ctb because I kept thinking maybe my problems and worries aren't great enough yet to make me do te deed. I have always been suicidal in thoughts.

Thanks for your post. I've read the comments and oh boy have I not felt this understood my whole life.

Thank you for sharing your story with us. After lurking on here for a very long time I came to the conclusion that the feelings and thoughts we have are completely natural and normal. Society shuns us from sharing these thoughts with others so we just end up bottling it up, thinking that we are all alone.

I am willing to bet this place does more for the suicidally depressed than all those hotlines and therapies combined. You can't even speak your mind freely without the implied threat of forced hospitalization, incarceration and medication.

Maybe one day I will finally be able to leave this miserable existence by my own means but worst case scenario I will just let nature take its course. We will all die one day, whether it be from old age, illness, accident or by suicide. The fact that life is temporary is the only solace I have in this otherwise bleak reality.