Discussion How common is it to deny your parents were not abusive, when you are waking up to how bad things really were?

[dead22222]

I am trying to keep a reasonable judgement on the past, but its hard to not see thier terrible treatment and descisions almost everywhere when I reflect. Especially from the direction of how much they didnt parent, didnt teach essential things, and expected me to act like an adult from a very early age. The effects of it are clearly visible today. But I keep questioning myself because I wasnt physically or sexually abused at least as far as I remember. In general they act "nice" in most situations but nice ≠ good. There are manipulations and implications in what they say that are subtle but send a message of transactional worthiness, incompetence, threats to take away my needs if something isnt done, trying to make me anxious so I change my behavior so it no longer bothers them, telling me I am all alone and do not have thier support. These are the things that are covertly implied in many of the things that they say in general conversation, and most of the conversations I had growing up. To my parents I am a pet to them. You just feed it, give it basic needs, and it takes care of itself. If I ever had or have a problem that gets in the way of what they want to do or thier comfort, then it was half assed if thier was an actual solution and cast aside if it was too hard with gaslighting that the problem doesnt exist. They never admit when theyre wrong unless they feel bad about something and when they dont, confronting them is pointless because theyll avoid fault until you give up. This is getting off topic but these are some of the examples of what ive experienced and honestly im more so writing this to prove it to myself.

Maybe im feeling this way because in order to have abuse be validated in the common societal view, you have to have been physically or sexually abused or severly neglected. Something extreme and clear cut has to be showing so that its obvious before its validated as abuse or poor parenting. Has anyone else experienced something similar?

 

[timf]

Those of us who have been abused (like the reticence of combat veterans) often do not share with others as without a common frame of reference for understanding, others may be horrified, silent, puzzled, or disbelieving.

I never thought the beatings were the worst part. The display of hate and contempt seemed much more brutal. Each person has a different reaction to what they experienced. What was devastating to one person might seem inconsequential to another. Some are more sensitive than others. It can be unproductive to compare one with another as if the severity could be measured.

One perspective I found helpful is to focus instead on what your parents felt. If you can imagine them as kids who were so unprepared for life that they fell apart when presented with difficulties. That as a child you were incidental to a life they did not understand, could not control, and like one drowning, could only flail about striking incidentally at whatever was close to hand. This view can help one replace anger with sadness.

 

[Lightworkerinblack]

Sounds a bit familiar. I was never physically abused. But I was raised in a dysfunctional/broken home. Mother was genuinely kind but overzealous about morals and beliefs. My father was the problem. Narcissist, gaslighter, ill tempered, anxiety riddled, cynical pessimist etc. Anytime any sort of problem arises (even something small and damn near meaningless!) its like how he forgets to treat his wife and son. Can't put things in a decent tone. Even if its none of his concern and does not affect him. His ego dives into rationalizations for why he has to put his foot on your neck until an issue is solved to his liking. Never received a true apology from him. Every apology always has a justification attached. Ends justify the means and all that bs. Honestly the guy was never built to be a husband, much less a parent. (My mom went through much more verbal abuse than I did) But let me tell you 2 things that REALLY showed me he's a relentless asshole. 1. I tell him I have plans on enrollment to the most advanced massage therapy school in my state. Does nothing but shit on it and tell me how much of a bad idea it is. After I got accepted and enrolled, he couldn't care less and didn't even congratulate me. He's a college professor BTW. 2. Was the day that I basically laid out all the problems I had with how he treated me. Totally rolled it off his back and said it was in my head. And played the "nobody is perfect" card. It blew my mind how much of a lack of concern he had for my mental/emotional. SO, as your username implies... I know what its like to have a parent that instills deep feelings of inferiority that haunt you throughout your life. I moved back in with him just so I could save money for school. Now that this is achieved, I'm moving back out again this month. Have to do it when he's out of town so it's not a bloodbath of screaming matches. My plan is to cut him off for a year. He always treated me better when I wasn't living with him. So hopefully that provides a hard reset.

 

[olearius]

Those of us who have been abused (like the reticence of combat veterans) often do not share with others as without a common frame of reference for understanding, others may be horrified, silent, puzzled, or disbelieving.

I never thought the beatings were the worst part. The display of hate and contempt seemed much more brutal. Each person has a different reaction to what they experienced. What was devastating to one person might seem inconsequential to another. Some are more sensitive than others. It can be unproductive to compare one with another as if the severity could be measured.

One perspective I found helpful is to focus instead on what your parents felt. If you can imagine them as kids who were so unprepared for life that they fell apart when presented with difficulties. That as a child you were incidental to a life they did not understand, could not control, and like one drowning, could only flail about striking incidentally at whatever was close to hand. This view can help one replace anger with sadness.

This. Well and truly.

As someone experienced profound neglect (think starvation), physical abuse, and emotional abuse, coupled with the traumatizing ineptitude of many parents, it's all bad. It's just different flavors and we all have different tolerances and thresholds.

Whatever you went through before and whatever you're going through now. It was bad. It was actually that bad. It really happened and it really harmed you. You shouldn't have been forced into resilience. It all hurts.

Our brains really don't know the difference between the flavors of abuse. It all results in the same stress hormones and it all impacts our emotional/cognitive functioning.

And when you are ready, as timf said - looking back as though your parents are traumatized children, frantically scrambling in the dark, in denial about their own trauma is helpful. It does not excuse or condone their actions but it can be helpful to understand their actions.

 

[sash]

Mum physical & mental abuse, dad same, didnt work out so we moved in w a succession of men who were all the same, she had a type. The ones where the world thought they were great and funny, behind closed doors no no not funny, cruel, violent, etc, spose same as her n my dad really. It went shit w one, we moved in w another, 22 men/homes by when I was 16, then I left. I could take the beatings, everyday life, but the damage to my head, the wiring of a childs growing brain. I still dont tell ppl what it was like, they wouldnt believe. My aunt outta the blue told me late 20s she wanted to take me away as a kid cos what she saw, told me her hubby said 'no, she wont understand, its normal for her'. I said to aunt 'u mean what she allowed u to see' her face fell. Around then things really started falling into place that my upbringing wasnt normal.
During covid my dad got ill, needed me, I lost my home being here, he said no prob stay in the garage, tiny but running water. He was grumpy w ill, but nice to me, kind even, first time ever. I was tentative. But he got better. back to his usual cruel self. I have nowhere to go. He knows this. I said I couldnt b his whipping boy anymore, he jus gaslit me. Wants me gone. Banned me that day from speaking to the dog. That broke me, still does when she taps at the door or sniffs at the window n he says a nasty comment about me to her. I live in the garage, in the garden, only way in n out! He knows my only option is death and his response is 'good'.
See, I tried to change from who I was made to be, but kept meeting ppl like my fam, ended up back w one. My parents are still who they were. My dad worse than ever. My dad is the best of my fam...
He has never shown remorse. I apologise constantly for breathing.
Sorry waffle/rant there. First nite here, not used to this freedom, think a floodgate might be leaking, oopsie