How can I stop thinking about people that hurt me

[bl33ding_heart]

As a person with bpd, whenever someone deeply hurts me I feel like I have to make them feel all of the pain I felt. Or else I won't be satisfied. I don't wanna waste my time mentally revisiting painful situations and hurting myself. I'm trying my best to minimise and manage the symptoms of my bpd, and I feel like this is really setting me back. I'm at a constant war with my mind for some peace and it's exhausting. This is one of the main things mentally exhausting me at the moment.

 

[Paizen]

Same

 

[flightless bird]

nothing works, and nothing really fixes it. the pain and the hurt exist, they're simply there. you live through them without feeding them too much or trying too hard to erase them. time defines everything. be constantly aware that emotions shift, interpretations of memories change. what feels sharp now softens later, or what once was nothing to you might become your reason someday. so don't cling to it, and don't push it away. one day you'll look back and see it very differently.

 

[25dRvS9Ka]

I don't think that wanting people who inflicted pain on you to pay for what they did is directly linked to your disorder. Your BPD is not to blame for this.

Wanting retaliation for an injustice is a feeling that you have the right to express as a human being. We need to normalize this and stop pretending to be peaceful when the occasion calls loudly for reckoning/revenge.

You are a human being, respecting your emotions and pain is probably the most important need in your entire life.

Trying to bottle up or suppress this natural function will only result in more psychological damage.

 

[treestumpisland]

Same. Idk if i have bpd or not, i just know i have ptsd, depression, but i get stuck on the same thing, being stuck being angry at people who've hurt me. verbally, physically, some grudges i still have from 10+ years ago lol. but just sitting with it in me, i don't know how to deal.

i wish there was a way, not revenge, but just confronting them and getting them to admit/see they were stupid or wrong or why they wanted to hurt me/destroy my life and feel bad for doing so instead of shrugging and moving on. an "ok, that was out of line for me to say, i shouldn't have said that, it was dismissive and rude, i apologise" but these people are boomers who act like taking accountability is like waterboarding/torturing them, they'll die on every hill they fight on.

does it stick with anyone else when it's people with a certain type of personality over others? like, i'm not upset when people give soliciting advice, but they're clear "take what you will of that, it's ok if you ignore this advice altogether, you're not obligated to listen to me, i just feel xyz". the people who irk me and stick with me forever are ones who solicit unwanted advice, demand i follow their advice, get angry when i don't have their point of view or listen to them or have different beliefs from them, i have to change, not them. i don't mean actual person in charge, like boss or teacher where i need to listen to directions, etc, i mean usually middle-aged boomers tearing you apart, pissing on your passions, your career choices, your life trajectory, when you're tired of being polite to them when they just piss all over you with their unwanted opinions and demands you change. those typoes of people get under my skin for a very very long time.

i struggle to do what others say "ignore it, they're dumb" "they don't know what they're talking about, just ignore them and continue acting, don't let them dampen your pursuits". i really wish i could actually do that, but i don't know how.

and no, i know not all boomers are like tht, there are plenty of actually cool boomers who aren't the types i'm talking about, who have empathy, emotional intelligence, understanding, care, i just mean the ones who are not like that lol

 

[Dejected 55]

The truth, though, is that... even if you could inflict exactly the same pain on someone else who hurt you as they did to you... or if you could inflict worse on them... you would still feel your hurt just as much.

There are some pains you can get over, with time and effort. There are other pains that I don't know if you can ever fully get over, sometimes you can't even minimize the pain, just maybe extend times between flare ups. But, one thing is for sure... revenge or even justice doesn't really heal your pain.

I know I would not at all be any better if I knew everyone who ever hurt me got their own karma pain in spades. It might be nice to think about balance and justice... but it doesn't take away the fact that they hurt you and you still have to live with it afterwards.

I know that's not an uplifting concept...

 

[bl33ding_heart]

The truth, though, is that... even if you could inflict exactly the same pain on someone else who hurt you as they did to you... or if you could inflict worse on them... you would still feel your hurt just as much.

There are some pains you can get over, with time and effort. There are other pains that I don't know if you can ever fully get over, sometimes you can't even minimize the pain, just maybe extend times between flare ups. But, one thing is for sure... revenge or even justice doesn't really heal your pain.

I know I would not at all be any better if I knew everyone who ever hurt me got their own karma pain in spades. It might be nice to think about balance and justice... but it doesn't take away the fact that they hurt you and you still have to live with it afterwards.

I know that's not an uplifting concept...

For me revenge isn't about easing my own pain, it's mostly about inflicting my pain on to them so they can understand what I went through. Because of my bpd I have severe emotional reactions to things that seem minimal to others, and when I talk about how much it hurts me they just think I'm being manipulative lol. Its like no one can actually understand us, or their consciously choosing not to for some reason.

 

[Dejected 55]

For me revenge isn't about easing my own pain, it's mostly about inflicting my pain on to them so they can understand what I went through. Because of my bpd I have severe emotional reactions to things that seem minimal to others, and when I talk about how much it hurts me they just think I'm being manipulative lol. Its like no one can actually understand us, or their consciously choosing not to for some reason.

I hear you... I'm just saying a couple of things I guess. One is that if they don't understand without actually feeling the pain themselves, then they will never understand so you'll never get that scenario of hypothetically making them regret their actions and understanding why you are hurt. Second is that no amount of seeing someone else hurt will make you hurt any less.

I'm not saying it isn't normal to want others to feel your pain. I'm just saying eventually you come to realize that it doesn't help you... and if it doesn't help you, then what's the point?

I hurt because of my pain... and I hurt because no one understands me. If they have to hurt to understand me, then they don't understand me.

It's like... all those Republicans who vote against LGBTQ+ stuff and persecute them UNTIL one of their kids comes out as gay or trans... and suddenly they "understand." But, they don't really understand. They just love their kid a little bit more than they hate the thing they were against five minutes ago. They still hate it, they just love their kid just enough to pull back a bit for their sake. Of course there are people who hate so much they just disown their kids for coming out and reveal themselves to be fully pieces of shit, but that's another rant.

People who truly understand you are going to be rare, sadly... and if you ever find one you have to hold on for dear life!

 

[iji]

What helped me was time, and finding new people who are nice to talk to and moving on with my life so I eventually forgot about the bad people.