Hey, there. So, I have diagnosed body dysmorphia (more specifically: facial dysmorphia), it started when I was 7 y/o (& it utterly present 24/7 still). It is an "OCD related" disorder. If you look at the symptoms, it imo it IS a kind of OCD - the only difference to "regular OCD" is that the content of obession & compulsion is one thing (your appearance) and never changes.
Imma make an analogy to make it more understandable: general/regular OCD is like generalized anxiety disorder (= the focus can shift) - dysmorphia is something specific, so like for example social anxiety (= focus doesn't shift).
OCD is based on a
neurological dysfunction. Dysmorphia, since it DOES make you obsess & compulse (& being avoidant) too, to the
same exact extent, is based on a neurological "dysfunction" too (hyper or hypo-activity of certain areas & similar). The obsessing & compulsing in is the same kind of behavior, just targeted towards one specific thing (your looks). Dysmorphia is "even" like general OCD about uncertainty too - sometimes being anxiously uncertain abt how oneself actually looks like / if one looks normal or truly disfigured, ugly,... (while being obesessively sure one is indeed disfigured) . (-> which causes anxiety, amongst social anxiety, shame, disgust, avoidance & some more shame...)
Probably you know all of this. Here's my point:
That you say:
is legit.
OCD and body dysmorphia can be improved by ERP (exposure & response prevention), however, it's not really curable. The term "recover" sounds like it's fixable. In my experience, as in most others, it's not really fixable. You can
improve it, but it will always be there to some extent. It's one of those conditions about which people say "learning to live
with it". It being there, but not letting it control you as much.
I have the utmost compassion with you, I understand the hell you're going through. How it never stops and has so much presence and power in your mind & life.
Here's some little advice,
in case you want some from me:
Bc we dysmorphic "zoom" into all our flaws (or perceived flaws), so remember to try really hard to see the "big picture".
Try to make yourself feel better by knowing that the majority of people are extremely intimidated by attractive people. Attractive people often "make" average looking people insecure, jealous & project all sorts of negative feelings onto them. Ugly people are being treated less well, that's true & proven by experiments.
So, if some part of your brain can understand that you are average looking (..if you are..), remember that: people are probably (if you actually look quite average) neither intimidated by your nor are they feeling disgusted (even if you feel that way abt yourself). At least others probably feel comfortable in your presence. :)
I sometimes think: if I truly am this ugly, then I at least help other people feel comfortable & better about themselves. Sometimes it takes my ugliness as contrast for others to feel nice.
What I noticed, is, that when people deny my non-average features, it's almost as bad as being called ugly. Some of my fetures being called ugly at least is probably honest, even if it wounds me. So, because both being called good and bad looking, made me think: okay, so what if I AM ugly. UGLY, SO WHAT. So... try to "own your" ugliness to some extent. Think stuff like: "if you had to live & function with my face, you maybe wouldn't be able to cope, but I can endure this. (At least probs better than you'd.)" Being able to endure ugliness is strong, imo.
Looks ofc matter, but you surely know that some people (at least non-shallow ones) wouldn't e.g. date someone who's a 10/10 looks but their personality is sh*t. They'd rather date an average looking person, whose personality/mind is attractive/fun/cool/etc. af. You can indeed compensate with your character.
I know, struggling with dating someone is just one aspect of dysmorphia, but by far not necessarily the main focus. It's often about being able to just seeing yourself, being seen by family, strangers,.. just simply taking the trash out & risking being perceived, can be a massive struggle. I know. Try to remember: There's no need for people to not find you "ugly".
I know, dysmorphia behaves very irrational & is like a feeling & nothing you can really rationalize, but since we often are rationally conviced we are indeed disfigured (some of us are/might be, some of us
aren't), then: if we don't try to keep up with counter-thoughts (if it is so offensive, we have to try to be defensive), it'll consume us completely, until we are so impaired, that we cannot even go to work & do the most basic things. Sometimes, when I have to be outside & someone passes me & my facial dysmorphia "shoots at me", I try to repeat a sentence in my mind until the person's passed. Smth like "Yes, I'm ugly, but so what.". I harshly repeat the "so what" over and over and over... - it helps me a bit coping with being cognitively convinced I'm truly hideous.
Not advide, but you said:
- yes, a lot of people struggle with their appearance & are super insecure & invest a lot of energy, money, etc. into it - but I think it's important to still recognize that BDD can be SOOO severe and so impairing, most people couldn't even imagine how impairing and consuming it is. A lot of societies are obessed with hygiene, but there's a big difference between an unnecessarily, overly increased focus on hygiene and having contamination OCD. The severity & impact is not at all comparable. Some people have very serious, impairing BDD. If I may say that: don't invalidate yourself - you've been saving money for sugery ever since you were 14(!). You were half a child, back then. When I was 7 and seriously wishing I got surgery, I haven't had ANY social media influence. There's a severe, real clinical significance in some people, but not all. Even if more & more people have BDD, that doesn't make yours less severe/impairing.
Ok, I've written so much (there's so much more to mention, hah), I should stop & just send this now, lol.
Body and/or Facial Dysmorphia is such a legit reason to ctb, imo. It's so personally invasive & tormenting.
I hope you'll one day gain some peace, no matter how.. :) <3
