How can I preemptively support my partner after I’m gone?

[mainlanders_son]

My partner knows everything I've suffered through in the past 8 months. She knows that CTB is always a possibility, yet she's stated she'd never forgive me.

How can I ease the pain of my eventual passing for her? I know she'll hate me forever, but maybe there's something I could do.

 

[Ash’Girl]

Have you seen "PS, I Love You?"

He didn't kill himself, he had a terminal illness, but he knew he was going to die so he set up all these things to be delivered to his partner after his death.

Though it might not be a fit for you if she has already stated she will not forgive you. She might not want to be receiving love letters, words of affirmation that it wasn't her fault etc, and later down the line encouragement to move on / forward with life.

 

[mainlanders_son]

Thanks @AshersGirl , yeah I thought about sending her gifts after my passing, but, like you said, she may not appreciate them and they may even traumatize her further.

She'll inherit a good amount of my (small amount of) wealth, although she'd probably trade that for my life any day. Long term, it may help?

 

[Ash’Girl]

I'm sure she would much rather have you here, yes (grief is a horrible beast, I speak from experience). But equally I can't / won't judge you for wishing to ctb.

Money doesn't negate pain / trauma but does allow for a level of security and ability to do things that distract from the trauma, if that makes sense? And long term will definitely help.

The only thing that really helps the pain of grief lessen is time, and even then, the loss is something we learn to carry and integrate (hopefully) as we move forward. It never goes away. (My partner died, not by suicide though).

Likely if she loves you she will have a really hard time navigating the grief. Can you write her a letter that fully explains WHY you ctb? That details how much you feel for her, what you love / cherish about her and your relationship? But then detail what existence is like for you and why you need to end it? And highlight that your need to go in no way negates your feelings for her and how important she has been in your life?

I think I just put a whole lotta words in your mouth that might not even be your situation but you get the gist. Not suggesting you don't do what you need to do to find your own peace, fully understand when being alive is torture and needing an escape. But honestly she is going to feel it and there's nothing that you can do about that. All you can do is provide whatever comfort you can in preemptively answering any questions she might have. Alternatively record a video message. For me videos, voice messages and the like of my own partner are precious. Hearing him say "I love you" when I'm no longer able to hear it in person or pick up the phone.

If you have things you regularly say to each other, pet names, inside jokes, etc - think about video / voice messages. In early days of grief they can be painful but further down the line they are precious.

I can see things from both sides, having experience of being both a bereaved partner, and a suicidal person. So I don't mean for anything I've said to make you feel any guilt. Hugs to you.
Ps… sorry I wrote so much. Am crap at condensing replies!

 

[mainlanders_son]

Thanks @AshersGirl , this is really helpful, don't worry about condensing replies!

My partner knows fully the torture I'm experiencing every day, which is why I'm almost mad at her that she doesn't understand why I need to leave? I'm a ghost of my former self and a completely different person from the one she grew to love.

I've already written my note, which devotes a large portion to extolling my feelings for her- I also wrote a separate note which is a bunch of my memories of her and I together. I think your idea of video/voice messages could be good, but I'm worried that I'm so far away from my true self that it'll just be a reminder of this empty husk.

I'm sorry about your person- would you like to recall a few moments about him in remembrance? If not, no worries.

 

[Ash’Girl]

Thanks @AshersGirl , this is really helpful, don't worry about condensing replies!

My partner knows fully the torture I'm experiencing every day, which is why I'm almost mad at her that she doesn't understand why I need to leave? I'm a ghost of my former self and a completely different person from the one she grew to love.

I've already written my note, which devotes a large portion to extolling my feelings for her- I also wrote a separate note which is a bunch of my memories of her and I together. I think your idea of video/voice messages could be good, but I'm worried that I'm so far away from my true self that it'll just be a reminder of this empty husk.

I'm sorry about your person- would you like to recall a few moments about him in remembrance? If not, no worries.

Something weird is happening with my posts when I reply or quote today so apologies if this doesn't work!

If you feel you can't authentically leave a longer video where you're connected to the words you're speaking, I'd still say - even a single short voice message (with or without video) that simply says "I love you, *insert name/pet name here*". Honest truth is the ability to hear the voice of someone we loved who has passed is precious beyond words. Alternatively if you have any voice/vids from before the black dog took you put a compilation together?

I think that your partner doesn't want to go through the pain of losing you but also doesn't know what it feels like to experience life as you are experiencing it now. She wants to keep you with her to avoid the pain of loss. She doesn't… she CANT…. Understand what you're going through even though you've told her as she can't plug in to your brain and feel it for herself: most of our loved ones are like this.

"Stay, for me. I know you're suffering but don't make me suffer your loss."

They also think it'll get better if you just give it time. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't.

I have BPD. My guy was the most patient, loving and accepting being I ever met. He would sit with me with quiet support when I was in a dark place, and he'd share in all my adventures when I was in a good place: he loved me, all of me, and met me wherever my messy head was in any given moment. He was my safe haven and the only person who's ever really understood me, and wanted the good, the bad and the ugly as opposed to just the good. He never met a stranger, he'd talk to anyone, and I miss his silly "dad joke" humour, his fierce intelligence, his spirit of adventure and… oh, just everything about him: I even miss his ridiculously loud snoring.

Truth is that he left a legacy of many things, but essentially I have never been loved as he loved me, and my love for him goes beyond death. I was happiest in life with him. But still my doubts can creep in, and it's then I listen to some of the many voice messages we'd leave each other daily, or read words he'd written in cards and letters: things that remind me of all of the good things. Like a hug from beyond if you like. There are so many little things in there that remind me of little details that start to fade over time. Bless you for asking

I think your memory book will remind her of these things so it's good that you've done it, you obviously love each other and I'm sorry life has become so impossible for you to bare. I'm sorry for both of you

 

[mainlanders_son]

Thank you @AshersGirl , you sound very lucky to have met and been loved by your guy.

Also:

 

[Ash’Girl]

I was lucky, despite the grief I count it as the one thing that made life worth having been born at all.

That song though… yup, been in my playlist for a while and perfectly expresses what it's like living with mental torture. Good luck to you however things play out. X

 

[uzuf86]

I can think of putting out all the words in the note that will help them digest the ctb news better. And for the future, tell them how to cope without you and understand that this was all for their own good

 

[Camper]

The best thing you can do is CBT somewhere other than where she can find you. The most traumatizing thing for her would be to see your dead body.

Truthfully, she may never get over it. I know someone who had a girlfriend in high-school that committed suicide. This man is a married senior citizen now and still has her love letters. He likely would've moved on more effectively if they broke up beforehand.

 

[melancholymallory03]

My partner knows everything I've suffered through in the past 8 months. She knows that CTB is always a possibility, yet she's stated she'd never forgive me.

How can I ease the pain of my eventual passing for her? I know she'll hate me forever, but maybe there's something I could do.

Leave her letters for each birthday , and video tapes if possible
Leave her as much video footage of you and letters as possible. Sounds extreme but yeah, consider cutting up a lock if you're hair and putting it in a bag even so she can have a " physical part of you" with her. Suicide can sometimes cause other people to suicide statistically I heard if they really love you. If I were her if you left me as many letters , photos , footage of you as possible and gave me a real insight into you're pain and fight I would probably be able to understand, Then again humans are selfish and she may just not understand, then ironically call you selfish. If yous guys are in love leave her as many videotapes and love letters as possible , just an idea.

 

[returntothevoid]

Why do you want to CTB? Depression yeah, but what got you here?

 

[Pikmin]

Nothing you can do will move the needle opposite of the pain you inflict. You will be dead though, so it will not matter.

 

[mainlanders_son]

Why do you want to CTB? Depression yeah, but what got you here?

Many, many years of powerful anxiety that I could never overcome or accept. Last August, the anxiety spiked "randomly", and I entered a state of pure panic for a few days. Stupidly, I tried taking Zoloft to assuage the panic, which made everything way worse. One of the days on Zoloft, my mind ripped apart and all emotional valence to my sensations fell away. Deep anhedonia settle in, as well as avolition. My personality fell apart and now I'm a husk.

I've struggled with anxiety/depression, but I've always been functional, felt feelings, and retained my personality. Now my face is like this all the time:

The best thing you can do is CBT somewhere other than where she can find you. The most traumatizing thing for her would be to see your dead body.

Truthfully, she may never get over it. I know someone who had a girlfriend in high-school that committed suicide. This man is a married senior citizen now and still has her love letters. He likely would've moved on more effectively if they broke up beforehand.

Definitely would CTB where emergency personnel would find me, and none of my loved ones.

The story about the senior citizen is awfully sad.

 

[attheend13]

My partner knows everything I've suffered through in the past 8 months. She knows that CTB is always a possibility, yet she's stated she'd never forgive me.

How can I ease the pain of my eventual passing for her? I know she'll hate me forever, but maybe there's something I could do.

She may be saying that to stop you from taking action. Truth is that she likely loves you enough to say it because she doesn't know how else to stop you. It's love that makes you ask this question. I've been writing down my journey lately, trying to find the words that encompass the pain and explain why it isn't on anyone if I CTB. Fact is you can't control how others will feel about your decisions. No matter how hard you try, how clever you are or how well intentioned. You dying will hurt those left behind. All you can do is mitigate it with as clear a message to those you leave behind that your choice up CTB Isn't their fault. It isn't a lack in them and they couldn't have done anything because it isn't about them. If you haven't felt this kind of pain, haven't endured this kind of unending torture, you cant understand. My advice is to let go of the idea that you can eliminate their pain. If they need to grieve you and/or be angry with you after you're gone it's kind of none of your business. Leave a communication written when you're calm and clear and outline all the beauty, love and light they brought to your dark little corner of things. That's what I'm doing. I'm writing love letters not goodbye letters. My goodbyes are in this forum. That's why I'm here.

 

[mainlanders_son]

@attheend13 Very well and sweetly stated. I might have to tweak my note a bit after reading your post.

 

[returntothevoid]

Many, many years of powerful anxiety that I could never overcome or accept. Last August, the anxiety spiked "randomly", and I entered a state of pure panic for a few days. Stupidly, I tried taking Zoloft to assuage the panic, which made everything way worse. One of the days on Zoloft, my mind ripped apart and all emotional valence to my sensations fell away. Deep anhedonia settle in, as well as avolition. My personality fell apart and now I'm a husk.

I've struggled with anxiety/depression, but I've always been functional, felt feelings, and retained my personality. Now my face is like this all the time:

Definitely would CTB where emergency personnel would find me, and none of my loved ones.

The story about the senior citizen is awfully sad.

I'm really sorry to hear that. I took Lexapro for a short stint, got off, and was left with PSSD. Had complete anhedonia for half a year and lost most of my sexual function. But there's hope the anhedonia got better! I've heard cases where it takes a bit longer than others to come back but before making and rash decisions do you think you could wait it out? I know it's really hard. I got seriously close to suicide during those six months but I held on and my emotions eventually came back slowly.

 

[mainlanders_son]

I'm really sorry to hear that. I took Lexapro for a short stint, got off, and was left with PSSD. Had complete anhedonia for half a year and lost most of my sexual function. But there's hope the anhedonia got better! I've heard cases where it takes a bit longer than others to come back but before making and rash decisions do you think you could wait it out? I know it's really hard. I got seriously close to suicide during those six months but I held on and my emotions eventually came back slowly.

Fucking PSSD man, I'm sorry you dealt with (still dealing with?) that.

Well, my consideration to CTB is compounded by historical bouts of anxiety and depression. I've always felt like I've "managed" my own mind instead of just living, and I'm at the worst spot mentally in my life, by like 1000x. I also can't feel physical pleasure or pain, which is just wretched. I've cried every single day since last August, and I don't have any faith or hope this condition can resolve.

The worst parts: my mind feels like sludge and I can't solve problems like before, I'm probably at 40% of my full capacity, and I can't feel the joy of interacting with people, especially those I love. Pure torture.