How can I look my Mother in the eyes knowing what I'm planning?

[BeautifulMosaics]

How can I look my sweet Mother in the eyes knowing what I'm planning to do? I've ordered the SN, it came today. I held it in my hands looking at it, after pining after it for so long, and it felt surreal. Me and my mother have had our really bad moments, where once I texted her angrily that if anything happens to me she can blame herself (I won't get into details), but that was a very stressful time for all of us.

But now I know that won't be the case. In fact if anyone on this earth deserves a functional, normal daughter, it is her. But I just can't be that. And one day I will have to move out alone. I don't know if I can muster up the energy life requires, living alone. I practically live like a hikikomori apart from when I go to work and even though she is compassionate and tries to be understanding, she has told me she is disappointed and frowns upon the vices that bring me any joy in life. I've just been out now to purchase my vices and I can just sense her disappointment - I just feel it in the house. I didn't even see her face but I know it.

My last option is to purchase the medication that I believe will help me but doctors won't prescribe. That's my last choice. Buying SN is a slightly underworld thing and it has given me the confidence to do this. If that doesn't work then I'm truly done for because there's something wrong with me and it won't ever change. If I come off SSRIs, I'll get terrible depression and mood swings, when I'm on them, I can't create and become numb.

One day you have to live your own life and take the reigns and I just know I won't do it.

I just don't have the energy.. I'm so sorry..

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are suffering. Life is really tiring and I also have no energy for living, everything is hopeless for me. I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

 

[BeautifulMosaics]

I'm sorry you are suffering. Life is really tiring and I also have no energy for living, everything is hopeless for me. I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

Thank you FuneralCry

 

[Sittichmutter]

How can I look my sweet Mother in the eyes knowing what I'm planning to do? I've ordered the SN, it came today. I held it in my hands looking at it, after pining after it for so long, and it felt surreal. Me and my mother have had our really bad moments, where once I texted her angrily that if anything happens to me she can blame herself (I won't get into details), but that was a very stressful time for all of us.

But now I know that won't be the case. In fact if anyone on this earth deserves a functional, normal daughter, it is her. But I just can't be that. And one day I will have to move out alone. I don't know if I can muster up the energy life requires, living alone. I practically live like a hikikomori apart from when I go to work and even though she is compassionate and tries to be understanding, she has told me she is disappointed and frowns upon the vices that bring me any joy in life. I've just been out now to purchase my vices and I can just sense her disappointment - I just feel it in the house. I didn't even see her face but I know it.

My last option is to purchase the medication that I believe will help me but doctors won't prescribe. That's my last choice. Buying SN is a slightly underworld thing and it has given me the confidence to do this. If that doesn't work then I'm truly done for because there's something wrong with me and it won't ever change. If I come off SSRIs, I'll get terrible depression and mood swings, when I'm on them, I can't create and become numb.

One day you have to live your own life and take the reigns and I just know I won't do it.

I just don't have the energy.. I'm so sorry..

Depression drains life and energy out of our souls. I think you should rest, but not give up. I know how you feel. It's tough. But the feeling that you might give another try was strong when I read your words.
Try another SSRI, go help people in need...
You still have so much love inside.
I Hope you get well and that all suffering and hopelessness desapear.
Lots of love for you and for your mother.

 

[jusbug]

it is difficult but it is more difficult to face the demons

 

[BeautifulMosaics]

Depression drains life and energy out of our souls. I think you should rest, but not give up. I know how you feel. It's tough. But the feeling that you might give another try was strong when I read your words.
Try another SSRI, go help people in need...
You still have so much love inside.
I Hope you get well and that all suffering and hopelessness desapear.
Lots of love for you and for your mother.

Thank you for your lovely message. So much of it is true.

 

[Circles]

I've been crying about this so much lately I don't know what to do either. I don't know what to say really I'm scared, I'm scared to really do it because I don't want to hurt her I don't want to cause her grief because she's already been through so much grief before and I'm sure you feel the same thing. The only thing I can try to explain is maybe try to explain how much pain and misery and depression you're in because that's what I'm doing with my situation with my mother and quite frankly I'm a loss and I still feel it's getting me nowhere even with her no matter what she still doesn't understand the gravity of all my problems. No matter what she is still going to lose her son and she still going to lose her baby. Fuck. Sorry.

 

[Chockles]

I'm severely physically disabled & forced to stay with my elderly parents for 3 months now been bed ridden 9 months with delivering symptoms Its taken a while but they can now see there is no hope for recovery for me & just hope I can find a way to end my suffering. Of course this is all easier said than done. I've tried starvation/dehydration & failed. I run away twice was brought back by police.now I'm bed ridden too ill to run away again. Now despite them both being anti drugs & knowing I never had any interest in hard drugs myself they are telling me to do whatever necessary to buy drugs to die at home. They're old believe strong opiates & benzos will do the job. I know different.
They cannot cope knowing no one can help me & me their only baby. They know I'm seriously ill but can't see my invisible physical widespread symptoms. Until I started having seizures in lockdown I had chronic health issues but no desire to die, I had good days & bad days. Now every day is sheer agonising torture. And my demise is devastating for both them and me.
I've resorted to oxy & benzos for a few hours sleep a night max.
I'm hoping to acquire N soon & will have to end this. I just try to get peace knowing I have put them through hell with worry tho its not my fault my partner brought me to them & dying at home they will at least have a body to bury & be able to grieve knowing I'm no longer suffering. I have regrets still for not realising the impact of living in hidden mould has destroyed my immune system. Until lockdown I was looking forward to a new life admittedly with limitations but I was always a fighter until something went horribly wrong. Now I live (its barely existing) in severe pain from head to toe.
I wish I'd had the guts to end my life before things got so bad & they didn't have to see me suffering destroying the remainder of their lives too.

 

[Feeding Pigeons]

I'm severely physically disabled & forced to stay with my elderly parents for 3 months now been bed ridden 9 months with delivering symptoms Its taken a while but they can now see there is no hope for recovery for me & just hope I can find a way to end my suffering. Of course this is all easier said than done. I've tried starvation/dehydration & failed. I run away twice was brought back by police.now I'm bed ridden too ill to run away again. Now despite them both being anti drugs & knowing I never had any interest in hard drugs myself they are telling me to do whatever necessary to buy drugs to die at home. They're old believe strong opiates & benzos will do the job. I know different.
They cannot cope knowing no one can help me & me their only baby. They know I'm seriously ill but can't see my invisible physical widespread symptoms. Until I started having seizures in lockdown I had chronic health issues but no desire to die, I had good days & bad days. Now every day is sheer agonising torture. And my demise is devastating for both them and me.
I've resorted to oxy & benzos for a few hours sleep a night max.
I'm hoping to acquire N soon & will have to end this. I just try to get peace knowing I have put them through hell with worry tho its not my fault my partner brought me to them & dying at home they will at least have a body to bury & be able to grieve knowing I'm no longer suffering. I have regrets still for not realising the impact of living in hidden mould has destroyed my immune system. Until lockdown I was looking forward to a new life admittedly with limitations but I was always a fighter until something went horribly wrong. Now I live (its barely existing) in severe pain from head to toe.
I wish I'd had the guts to end my life before things got so bad & they didn't have to see me suffering destroying the remainder of their lives too.

I'm so sorry.

How can I look my sweet Mother in the eyes knowing what I'm planning to do?

Nobody can make your mother understand your position. I just hope she drops the disappointment shit and just lets you know she loves you. If she doesn't, at least hug her and tell her you love her before you go through with it.