isaac clarke
Member
- Aug 6, 2023
- 10
Not sure if this is the right category to make this post in because I'm a n00b here, soz.
I have struggled with dpdr and mild psychotic symptoms from the latter half of my teen years until today. Its very slowly getting worse as stress piles on, but I'm tired of being in this "in-between" stage. I dont want to get better either, since I've tried everything.
I dont have an extensively recorded mental health history. I've only been to two total psychiatrists within the span of about four months at the beginning of 2025. I dropped out because I hated the way the pills made me feel. They made me aware of the "dpdr" thing as well as OCD. They wanted to keep an eye on me for bipolar or schizo or whatever, which i especially hated back then because it was clearly just a scheme to send emergency services to my house and lock me in a ward so I can be sucked dry of all my money.
But I guess they had a point, logically speaking. I do hear voices, and while they are usually inside voices, sometimes I hear shit outside my head too on lesser occasions. And see strange shit that lasts probably a second before I snap out of it, like seeing cars that arent there, torso-less running legs, animals, posters becoming real and looking right at me, weird shit like that. Im aware theyre not real after the fact. Again, it lasts probably one to three seconds before it snaps back to normal. And I find it kind of annoying, because in the rare moments I truly get lost in the sauce and feel absolutely targeted, THAT is when I feel the most happy in my decision to kill myself. For a modicum of time, I feel like I want to make a decision. Otherwise I get super ambivalent about life, just floating. I loathe it.
Help me get lost in the sauce. How do I get worse?
I have struggled with dpdr and mild psychotic symptoms from the latter half of my teen years until today. Its very slowly getting worse as stress piles on, but I'm tired of being in this "in-between" stage. I dont want to get better either, since I've tried everything.
I dont have an extensively recorded mental health history. I've only been to two total psychiatrists within the span of about four months at the beginning of 2025. I dropped out because I hated the way the pills made me feel. They made me aware of the "dpdr" thing as well as OCD. They wanted to keep an eye on me for bipolar or schizo or whatever, which i especially hated back then because it was clearly just a scheme to send emergency services to my house and lock me in a ward so I can be sucked dry of all my money.
But I guess they had a point, logically speaking. I do hear voices, and while they are usually inside voices, sometimes I hear shit outside my head too on lesser occasions. And see strange shit that lasts probably a second before I snap out of it, like seeing cars that arent there, torso-less running legs, animals, posters becoming real and looking right at me, weird shit like that. Im aware theyre not real after the fact. Again, it lasts probably one to three seconds before it snaps back to normal. And I find it kind of annoying, because in the rare moments I truly get lost in the sauce and feel absolutely targeted, THAT is when I feel the most happy in my decision to kill myself. For a modicum of time, I feel like I want to make a decision. Otherwise I get super ambivalent about life, just floating. I loathe it.
Help me get lost in the sauce. How do I get worse?
