How do you talk to your Doctor about issues when you feel conflicted on your feelings? I suppose one of my fears is them turning around and telling me I'm fine, that it's in my head, but then I'd still struggle in the world outside.
So I think I might have an issue, but I seem to lack most emotion to really understand if I do actually have a problem or not. Which also worries me about going to see them. I don't know how I can explain how I feel sometimes as most of the time I feel nothing except what I physically feel my heart is telling my body.
I have a partner of 15 years / 2 kids together and I don't even understand what "love" is supposed to make me feel. It's always felt like an empty word and I feel like a heartless person for not feeling what others want me to feel. It's a word I use rarely, mostly reserved for my kids as I want them to feel loved.
I can get my heart pumping, which at times leads to feeling sweaty until I feel more comfortable in that situation, some examples below:
I once was on this group session designed for things like this and if I was to stand up to talk my heart would go crazy, voice to me sounds shaky and quiet and I avoid it as much as I can, even not partaking in certain activities that would make me centre of attention. Usually the group had around 10-12 people attending and one time I managed to speak, there was only about 4 or 5 people there who turned up, that still made me feel like I wanted to cry while I sat there and tried to speak. It was at this moment I sort of thought that maybe I do need help, then I'll be home where I'm fine and be questioning myself on if I do need help over and over.
It also showed me that I can do things for my family as I've been the backbone for the past 15 years, but on my own I tend to struggle.
I'm 33 now and this has been an ongoing issue since I was in junior school. While it feels like my brother and two sisters got the help they needed from a young age. I had no friends growing up, I played with people who were my brothers friends. I used to be frightened playing out after school as people in that area didn't seem to like me (or our family) very much. This isn't the most compelling story and it just makes me feel even more disappointed in myself.
I don't know what to do anymore, or how I'm supposed to feel, or know how to explain feelings.
So I think I might have an issue, but I seem to lack most emotion to really understand if I do actually have a problem or not. Which also worries me about going to see them. I don't know how I can explain how I feel sometimes as most of the time I feel nothing except what I physically feel my heart is telling my body.
I have a partner of 15 years / 2 kids together and I don't even understand what "love" is supposed to make me feel. It's always felt like an empty word and I feel like a heartless person for not feeling what others want me to feel. It's a word I use rarely, mostly reserved for my kids as I want them to feel loved.
I can get my heart pumping, which at times leads to feeling sweaty until I feel more comfortable in that situation, some examples below:
- Traveling to unknown places.
- Walking into smaller / independent shops.
- Talking to someone I don't know.
- Answering the phone.
- Walks up to school.
- No other parents from school talk to me except one, I stand at the very back, away from everyone as much as I can.
- Job searching and hitting the Apply button.
- Constant worry
- Using microphone to speak to people on games (I intent to but end up just sitting frozen in silence).
- I tend to not be able to keep eye contact for very long as it feels awkward.
- I like to walk (5ish miles) each morning after school drop off and all I do is constantly belittle my life and think of what's coming / how much I've failed simple things and how peaceful death could be without actually having any urge to kill myself.
- I cope by laughing things off which I'm not proud off.
I once was on this group session designed for things like this and if I was to stand up to talk my heart would go crazy, voice to me sounds shaky and quiet and I avoid it as much as I can, even not partaking in certain activities that would make me centre of attention. Usually the group had around 10-12 people attending and one time I managed to speak, there was only about 4 or 5 people there who turned up, that still made me feel like I wanted to cry while I sat there and tried to speak. It was at this moment I sort of thought that maybe I do need help, then I'll be home where I'm fine and be questioning myself on if I do need help over and over.
It also showed me that I can do things for my family as I've been the backbone for the past 15 years, but on my own I tend to struggle.
I'm 33 now and this has been an ongoing issue since I was in junior school. While it feels like my brother and two sisters got the help they needed from a young age. I had no friends growing up, I played with people who were my brothers friends. I used to be frightened playing out after school as people in that area didn't seem to like me (or our family) very much. This isn't the most compelling story and it just makes me feel even more disappointed in myself.
I don't know what to do anymore, or how I'm supposed to feel, or know how to explain feelings.
