Venting How can I ctb when everyone thought I am getting better

[reverse03]

Been suicidal for years but keep it under the rugs by being apathetic and blowing up from time to time. My most peak months are the last 3 months. After that it doed down, everyone thinks that I am getting better. But the struggle to fight back is too hard for me to keep. I know I cannot hold or hide again for a long time like before. All my masks and walls have been exposed to others and I cannot use it again. I cannot even bring myself to face myself in the mirror and other people. I need to ctb and I cannot fail it because they will think I am seeking attention. But it is not. I planned to go earlier this morning but I keep delaying it thinking I can fight it but no, this is day is the hardest and my time to ctb is long gone.
I am planning to again tomorrow morning, my method will be sn and I don't have any ae just benadryl. I am fasting for more than 6 hours now and I will continue until tomorrow morning. The weather forecast will be raining hard but I still planning to ctb at the park. Hopefully hypothermia can also take me out.
I know I already mentioned multiple times here that I will ctb but SI is just a hard wall to break down. I want freedom from this life.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

No doubt, SI is a hard wall to break down. If CTB is what is best for you, and only you can know if that's the case, I hope you can get to your place of peace. The only thing I'd say is do it from a place of resolve, and not from desperation. Too frequently, desperate measures can lead to mistakes and leave one worse off than before their CTB attempt.

 

[brood]

I do believe that on many occasions people appear to be getting better because they have come to terms with the knowledge that suicide is the answer and they are at ease planning and carrying it out.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's true that actually going through with suicide can certainly be something that is difficult, even know we wish to be gone and it's really understandable just wishing to be free from this world. I wish you the best of luck with your plans.