Discussion How can I cope until I can ctb in peace?

[KillingPain267]

My wife left me in early December. This is when I decided that's it (among other things). But I had no plan yet. Anyway, now I am living with my brother and mother since Dec, so I cannot order SN or anything. In June 20 I will get a new apartment though, and my ex-wife wants to visit me (she never truly liked my parents which I understand). Her visiting me is last chance (which I didn't tell her). After she has visited and rejected my offer to stay (very likely she won't stay), I will order SN and meto and that's it. I have been secretly abusing pregabalin and booze for a month anyway while living with brother, in order to cope. So if I don't ctb it's another problem I need to face up to to my parents and doctor (who's a PoS anyway), but they will then take away my remaining freedom (by then, only ctb by train or jump is available if I escape at night).

My question: what can I do until June 20? Because I already wanna jump into traffic.

 

[derpyderpins]

Booze might catch up with you. I would try to take time to be spiritual/meditative. Just tell yourself that's what you're doing in your final days. A bunch of sitting cross-legged and going "OMmmm". idk, I've been thinking I need to meditate so maybe I'm just projecting.

 

[_Gollum_]

I'm also in a position where I now have to bide my time until I'm able to reattempt, so all of the advice I give you, I am also putting into practice in my own life because it has worked for me before.

Take things day by day, moment by moment. Don't think about how much time there is left until June 20th, just focus on what you have to do this very day, even if it's just a simple errand like going to the grocery store. Time will pass whether you're aware of it or not, so there's no point in thinking about it. You just have to make it to bed every night, and then you can have a few hours of blissful unconsciousness. Have that thought at the ready: I just have to wait until I get to go to bed.

Also, if there's anything at all in your life that gives you even a sliver of peace or enjoyment, latch onto it. For me, it's coffee and books. It gives me something minor to look forward to every day. I say to myself: it's hard now, and in this moment I want to die, but if I just wait until tomorrow morning, I can have my cup of coffee.

EDIT: If I recall correctly, you're Christian? I would also recommend reading the Book of Job, especially Job 3, 6, and 7. I am not religious but these passages have given me a lot of comfort and strength.