Help How can I be sad again?

[MikUma]

Don't get me wrong, I'm not happy in the slightest, I have happy moments and I'm "happy" with others, but not "truly" happy. I used to be really, really sad, maybe depressed. Used to think of suicide every. Single. Day. Now it's maybe once or twice a day, not my entire day of just thinking about it. I'm better than when I was two years ago, but I want to be that sad again. I dont like my position right now. How do I become numb again, I want to not care again. I hate myself. I'm still planning on CTB in May, but I just want to feel not good