Help How can I be good enough ?

[Marine]

All this talk about blockage made me think now about that concept of "redflags" in relationships, undesirable traits that make people less attractive as partners.

Like, for example, when a person has been lonely for a long time, people consciously or unconciously think "if that person can't get a partner (or at least not a good one) there must be something wrong with him/her, him/her is not worth of a relationship". Loneliness has become a stigma on society, people see a person with no active social circle, no social network (or not enough to show off) and difficulty to find romantic and/or sexual partners and automatically think less of that person.

Other things that act as redflags are insecurity, unresolved emotional issues, being too clingy, too avaliable, too jealous, wanting to rely too much on a partner to overcome past traumas and mental healthy issues, disabilities of any kind, any kind of chronic illness (I once read a history of a guy that has having a great relationship with a woman, until he discovered that she had a biological condition that would evolve in to a serious illness later in life, in old age, so he abandoned her, because "I don't want to invest in someone just to have to to deal with that later on, I don't need it, I can find somone else"), even the way you talk about your ex can be a redflag, any sign of mental health issues are major redflags too, suicidal ideation and serious mental health issues just makes people run for the hills. If the person doesn't take time to know you well and depending on how far your issues go, the person may decide to just keep looking for someone else. Abusive guys may target you too, expecting you to be an easy prey.

Do you think that you display too many redflags? (Only you can really say). You already mentioned that you are struggling with your social life and you are desperated to find someone, that you expect a relationship to save you.

Please, don't take this wrong, I am not making any assumptions or trying to judge you, just presenting some hypothesis about your "blockade", I hope I don't offend you.

I have one word for that and that's utter BS. That's the kind of despicable discriminatory non argument that shallow trash unworthy of any human relationship would give. "I want someone pristine with zero life experience, or utterly priviledged with nothing but roses 24/7." Very realistic indeed.

What you're saying is experiencing any kind of suffering or challenge, even just purely being a normal human with needs and hurts, is a redflag. I can't think of anything more ridiculous.

That kind of non humanity is a red flag for me indeed. I need a human being with depth and a brain who understands that love is a vital need and a given.

I don't think everyone I see on dating sites / elsewhere is such low level filth though. It's not statistically possible.

I'm talking about people who think that way, not you unless you're one of them.

I know I have enough to offer, and enough self reflection, to make a relationship work. Probably more than most people actually.

Anyway doesn't apply because the curse happens before I can interact with the person btw. So it comes back to me being physically trash or feeling like it. All of that disrespect certainly makes it worse. I have to get trampled on even when asking for help being this traumatized atm. Great.

I can only speak of personal experience.
Beauty on the outside might fade quite fast, for others it stays throughout their life. Personality is what keeps you afloat and helps over hard and brutal times.
It's the best to meet people over common interests. Makes dating much much easier.
Being too obsessed with a type is damaging your chances to meet the best men possible for you who might have the wrong color hair for your taste but otherwise would fit 100%.
Plus over time our partners tend to get more attractive for us when we spend our lives with them. When you grow together out of love even grey hair and wrinkles can become the cutest thing.
Not to mention stretch marks from your first child or from the times you two binged together so much when the munchies hit
Take life as a game and enjoy it as much as you can along the way. Maybe you meet an amazing npc who becomes so much more to you in the long run

No. Sorry.

A good example of the curse : today alone I got stood up by 2 guys in a row, I think it's a new record. There was no problematic interaction or justification possible btw. Nothing.

But the worst comes from the most seemingly compatible people. I also had 2 today : one started a conversation and left when asked how he was doing, so before I could do anything other than say hello, one matched then proceeded to delete the convo when I greeted him. The only 2 possible matches out of everything else. Nearly every time. That makes me want to go back in time and die so I don't have to do it again more than anything ever. Every second of this is an unbearable torture that keeps repeating "you're worthless, you're not good enough, you're not loveable, your life is a waste".

 

[Cosmic dust]

I am not saying that anyone with life experience is unsuited. But people are judgmental, especially when it comes to strangers. On dating apps people are also more likely to see others as disposable and to ghost them for any little thing.

Also, keep in mind that dating apps don't do justice to anyone, how you make your profile and how good you are at taking and editing photos, often matters more than how you really is in real life. That alone tell us something about the enviroment where you are in.

 

[Zegers]

First off, you have to keep in mind dating apps are a huge business just like instagram, etc companies that with huge marketing teams make you feel worse so that you consume more of their apps.

you know what happens, and it's a conflict.

- The type of guy most girls are looking for just wants to get laid.
- The other guys (like 85%) who want something serious, don't even are noticed by girls.

Girls feel more and more empty, more and more resentful, lonely, because they keep looking for the same type of guy in loop.
Guys feel more and more insecure, diffident, piqued, bitter, rencorous and lonely, because they feel they are not that good.

Where does this lead? To a loop of loneliness.
Why? Dating apps make you feel like a number

Why don't we start looking less at look and more at how we connect with people?

 

[Marine]

I am not saying that anyone with life experience is unsuited. But people are judgmental, especially when it comes to strangers. On dating apps people are also more likely to see others as disposable and to ghost them for any little thing.

Also, keep in mind that dating apps don't do justice to anyone, how you make your profile and how good you are at taking and editing photos, often matters more than how you really is in real life. That alone tell us something about the enviroment where you are in.

I know that there are incredibly immature people out there who lack humanity, I wouldn't be compatible with those. In any case I don't have circumstances that would make dating too complicated or impossible. Of course everything is easier when people are privileged, but that's not the issue here I'm afraid.

I know, but I don't have a solution to that for now. All I could do was do my best, which I thought would be enough, for many people it is but not the right ones I guess.

The only possibility I believe I have is to fix my body however I can, but I also need to reframe my trauma so far and how I've been treated like worthless unloveable trash because it hijacks my brain and cell power and makes progress so difficult, especially now that I have to rebuild everything since the plandemic and I don't know where to go anymore to find people and feel safe. It's really destroyed a lot of progress I had made before...

Lovelessness since my "ex"'s annihilation makes me feel like all of my cells are deprived of oxygen. My heart keeps automatically going back to that one time when I felt I existed and wonders why no one better (and real) has chosen me afterwards, the oppression and despair of it keep choking me. Every time another seemingly compatible person rejects me is another stab is that wound, that's already so deep it's killed me twice. So I need support for that from however understand that (don't point to therapy, that's already been tested thoroughly, wrong answer).

First off, you have to keep in mind dating apps are a huge business just like instagram, etc companies that with huge marketing teams make you feel worse so that you consume more of their apps.

you know what happens, and it's a conflict.

- The type of guy most girls are looking for just wants to get laid.
- The other guys (like 85%) who want something serious, don't even are noticed by girls.

Girls feel more and more empty, more and more resentful, lonely, because they keep looking for the same type of guy in loop.
Guys feel more and more insecure, diffident, piqued, bitter, rencorous and lonely, because they feel they are not that good.

Where does this lead? To a loop of loneliness.
Why? Dating apps make you feel like a number

Why don't we start looking less at look and more at how we connect with people?

I know all that. I also know that many meet compatible people and even start relationships there, so that's not much of an excuse.

So far offline has been even worse for me, I feel like I have to invest it again but like I said I don't know where to go anymore since the plandemic took every safe place from me.

Also there's no way to change the human nature and how looks MATTER. No romantic connection happens without attraction for the vast majority of people, you can't go against something as natural as breathing. It's normal and there's nothing wrong with that. So long as you don't only look at that, like for everything else, which I obviously don't.

 

[Marine]

How seriously the world takes me when I plead for a fair shake :

 

[summers]

For me, even for hook ups, their personality and compatibility (sexually and philosophically) is much more important that looks. If someone is hot, then great. But I don't need a model to have fun. I know I would have missed out on a lot of fun and friends if I went for looks only.

 

[Marine]

For me, even for hook ups, their personality and compatibility (sexually and philosophically) is much more important that looks. If someone is hot, then great. But I don't need a model to have fun. I know I would have missed out on a lot of fun and friends if I went for looks only.

Good for you, also irrelevant to the thread.

 

[summers]

That guy was everything I'm looking for physically, like 100%, style included, what I see in my dreams and meditations, THE ONE look, which doesn't happen so often,

Good for you, also irrelevant to the thread.

Literally quoting you. I was just saying that looks aren't everything. So calm down.

 

[Marine]

Literally quoting you. I was just saying that looks aren't everything. So calm down.

You're hijacking my thread to dismiss my needs. Get out.