GreenMarsh
Member
- Oct 17, 2023
- 59
Hello forum,
I've been having a pretty shitty life as per usual, but among my shitty days, there are moments of self-reflection. I've always been someone who likes to wear their heart on their sleeves and be upfront and honest about how I feel. This is, for the most part, a great thing to do, as it allows me to establish friendships with people who I would probably want to be friends with, since the people who don't "vibe" with my honest self are filtered out pretty quickly. This method has served to significantly reduced the QUANTITY of people in my life, but simultaneously increasing the QUALITY of such.
Now, I'm pretty dead-set on killing myself. I wouldn't even finish writing this post if I had my preferred suicide method with me right now. That being said however, I'm not someone who hates living, I simply don't like living here, in this specific world, so by killing myself, I hope to find something more suited to my taste in the afterlife which I've come to believe in as a self-imposed pascal's wager.
So what am I getting at?
Since I don't hate living, it means that I don't hate the experiences that come with living, such as falling in love. Now, as someone who's pretty damn suicidal and may not be here sooner than later, it's kind of tough to find someone suitable for me, specially when you take into account that I like being honest about my feelings, and I cannot possibly fall in love with someone earnestly if I can't even share my deepest, most intimate secrets, such as my suicidality.
Obviously, most people wouldn't want to be with someone who's at risk of killing themselves
The problem to the solution is self-evident then, right? Simply find someone who's as suicidal as me, and maybe make the best of our time together, if our chemistry allows it. Of course, the obvious issue with that is that people like myself aren't exactly plentiful. I'm basically asking for a commitment in which ideally both of us are at risk of suicide and not trying to stop one another, and also emotionally available enough to be there for one another, which will end up with some tragedy, and ideally we should be close by, because quite frankly I don't do long-distance. This is a rather harsh filter, to say the least.
However, I'm not entirely hopeless. I've actually met people who have had similar relationships, tragically they end, of course, but that was always expected.
Honestly, it sucks that my dating pool is this tiny, but I'm glad that I'm staying true to my principles, and not hurting myself and others in the process. Nonetheless, it's extremely lonely here. Even some of the friends I've made from this forum aren't exactly one-to-one with me in terms of suicidality - I'm not judging them of course.
Lastly, I'm curious. Does anyone else relate to this? Feel the same? Had a relationship like this, even? I'd love to hear your stories, if you're willing to share.
I've been having a pretty shitty life as per usual, but among my shitty days, there are moments of self-reflection. I've always been someone who likes to wear their heart on their sleeves and be upfront and honest about how I feel. This is, for the most part, a great thing to do, as it allows me to establish friendships with people who I would probably want to be friends with, since the people who don't "vibe" with my honest self are filtered out pretty quickly. This method has served to significantly reduced the QUANTITY of people in my life, but simultaneously increasing the QUALITY of such.
Now, I'm pretty dead-set on killing myself. I wouldn't even finish writing this post if I had my preferred suicide method with me right now. That being said however, I'm not someone who hates living, I simply don't like living here, in this specific world, so by killing myself, I hope to find something more suited to my taste in the afterlife which I've come to believe in as a self-imposed pascal's wager.
So what am I getting at?
Since I don't hate living, it means that I don't hate the experiences that come with living, such as falling in love. Now, as someone who's pretty damn suicidal and may not be here sooner than later, it's kind of tough to find someone suitable for me, specially when you take into account that I like being honest about my feelings, and I cannot possibly fall in love with someone earnestly if I can't even share my deepest, most intimate secrets, such as my suicidality.
Obviously, most people wouldn't want to be with someone who's at risk of killing themselves
The problem to the solution is self-evident then, right? Simply find someone who's as suicidal as me, and maybe make the best of our time together, if our chemistry allows it. Of course, the obvious issue with that is that people like myself aren't exactly plentiful. I'm basically asking for a commitment in which ideally both of us are at risk of suicide and not trying to stop one another, and also emotionally available enough to be there for one another, which will end up with some tragedy, and ideally we should be close by, because quite frankly I don't do long-distance. This is a rather harsh filter, to say the least.
However, I'm not entirely hopeless. I've actually met people who have had similar relationships, tragically they end, of course, but that was always expected.
Honestly, it sucks that my dating pool is this tiny, but I'm glad that I'm staying true to my principles, and not hurting myself and others in the process. Nonetheless, it's extremely lonely here. Even some of the friends I've made from this forum aren't exactly one-to-one with me in terms of suicidality - I'm not judging them of course.
Lastly, I'm curious. Does anyone else relate to this? Feel the same? Had a relationship like this, even? I'd love to hear your stories, if you're willing to share.
lol. but i prefer it over the fake bs i see so many ppl in.
i was on every app u can think of for like 2 yrs & only got 3 talking stages out of it, that i def would've been better off not going through. esp if you're looking for some1 who'll understand this side of u. but i wish u luck!!! :) hopefully you'll have better odds than me<3 we can't both lose right??
lol.
