How fucked off at myself am I at the moment? Hugely! if anyone know my writing, you know i don't swear o, curse or use bad language. tried to find an alternative word - none to be found, so i kept it simple.
I did my last farewell tour tonight, I expect to go go somewhere in the first week of December. Why, because I think of myself as a predominantly logical person. I can't share the pain of those who have been diagnosed with a specific condition. Do I have one? Perhaps I do and live in denial, perhaps I don't and this really is a logical conclusion for me. Either way, it makes no difference. I describe myself sometimes as 90% logic and 10% emotion, I am sure people may change those figures for themselves, but when I came to this life ending decision, it was mainly logic. I quote myself "what does two plus two make?", the answer is always the same. My 'two's' are my story. i feel no need to share them or have them held up to scrutiny. I won't pretend to fully understand yours so why do the dishonour of reading a snippet of mine and responding with some rubbish platitude? The two plus two will come up again later.
My farewell tour involved meeting up with people that I would consider true friends. i have done a few with different level of emotions from me, ranging from 'damn this is hard' to 'hey, maybe I didn't really care for them after all'. Each one was designed in my own way to say goodbye. Better than a letter. i had ghosted these people for a year or two in some cases, just thought a proper goodbye was in order. My toughest one was tonight. Knew it. Saw it coming and still walked in with eyes wide open. Just aiming for a fun night out, have some laughs and reminisce on some old times. Did very well up to the point that everyone left to go home apart from my oldest friend in the world. Someone who I have known for over 40 years, been through good times and a couple of bad times. No judgement because we both knew we were good at heart.
The bastard shot me with a laser beam straight to the heart as soon as we were alone. "What's going on with you?" I t wasn't a casual question, we know each other, we know that particular tone of voice is only used when we know the other is hiding something. So within a space of 15 minutes to keep a story short, my whole plan came out. The most stupidest thing I could ever do. The 10% emotion took over and the 90% logic was a casual bystander just throwing in the occasional fact. What the hell have I just done? I just put my oldest friend in the worst position ever with this knowledge and put myself at risk of being incarcerated. imagine two old guys crying in a bar at midnight - I don't have to, I was there.
I orchestrated a great day with a really nice meal that I paid for. My goodbye token to them. In the space of minutes I completely screwed up the rules of 'Suicide Club' by talking about suicide. So here I am torn between two worlds. Will my friend snitch on me? Have I just given someone the most unimaginable burden to carry? Both could be true. Twice in two weeks I have been close to doing the stat version and going. Tonight is damn strong. Why not? Kids are hundreds of miles away in university. I want to time it when they are home together. Does tonight look tempting and just do a delayed email for a months time? it sure does. One of the things I said tonight to my friend in response to some platitudes was "If I went missing for a month, who would notice?" No answer. Part of my "two plus two" equation.
For some reason some people call me arrogant here. If I have decided to research the way I exit and share my findings with the forum, it disappoints me to hear that. One of the premises of this place is to share knowledge of a method to help ensure people do not go through unnecessary discomfort. I feel honoured when people reach out in private for a bunch of reasons from helping them with their plans to being company in their last hours. You really do not know the amount of people that have passed in private and not made a post on this forum. They want the same as us in most. Not to leave this world without anyone recognising that someone has gone. To be afraid at a time that you may feel your most lonely. To be something to someone just for a moment and feel that you are someone. At times I feel i have to explain to people why I am here. It's either my sense of humour or sometimes the way I write. In essence, I am a damaged human, I don't really need to add to that. Do I hurt when I see something wrong? Yes. My zealousness is not arrogance, its a protectiveness I feel for this place. Can I miss my target. Yes, not fallible, I am a human like all of you. Do I hit? Oh Yes, it saddens me when I see people obviously working on the vulnerable and members don't stand up and say "Hey!!!!".
Why am I writing this? Well I am extremely drunk. Took an opioid which I am completely astounded that I even know where the keyboard is never mind typing and probably come to the end of my tether now in a lot of things. I feel I have done my best to outline a fairly simple method to help current and future members. I have had the honour of being with people both in public and private in their last journey. I have had some scrapes and I have had some laughs. Not a phrase commonly used here but life goes on.
I wish everyone well. We all start as 'newbies' and end as 'gonebiess. It's probable that I have reached the end of my road. Mistake tonight is making me really think of my time frame and that thought has not left me for a while now which is troubling.
One last gif perhaps. Maybe I am a clown at times, but perhaps this is how I am tonight.
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