Help Does this make me a bad person?

[Zenova_]

I have tried to CTB again and again and every time it somehow goes wrong. I don't know when I will succeed. I only have a few people I wish to say goodbye to.

The people I want to say goodbye to are people I will never see again, and if not for my letter would never know my fate, but part of me wants to send my goodbye letters to everyone now just to see if they would even miss me.

I would tell them I was dead, but I would still be alive (not for much longer though). I don't like lying to these people who I care about, but I feel like they don't care about me, and a part of me is seeking validation that people would actually miss me.

TL:DR - I want to message people I am dead and cut all contact permanently to see if / how they respond.

Am I a shitty person for even thinking to do this?

 

[Grasp of darkness]

The thoughts you have in your mind are understandable, but going through with this means putting many people in needless emotional distress.
It would give you a short burst of validation, but afterwards your relationship with them will be worse. You'll have damaged their trust.

I think the only 'acceptable' scenario in which you do this, is if you aren't suicidal at all and just want to see their reaction for shits and giggles. But since you are, they might not take a future note as seriously, while it might just be the real thing. When they then find out it was real it will hurt them even more.

 

[Zenova_]

No I would never reply to them. I don't speak to these people anyways, they just used to be close friends. I feel like since I'm going to do it one day anyways I might as well do it now so I know how they feel about me.

I also want to because some of them are friends with people who hurt me even more, and I guess some perverted side of me wants this person to tell them so that they feel bad about what they've done.