anhedonya
Student
- Apr 14, 2024
- 122
Sorry if this doesn't make much sense.
I have a hard time lying in certain contexts even if it'd be better to do so. When my closest friends ask me how I'm doing, I often blank and don't know what to say. I give some kind of joke or diluted half truth in response, which always makes me feel horrible, and always makes them even more concerned. I know they have good intentions but if I told them the reality of my day to day, I would lose my freedom and autonomy.
It feels so phony to just answer with "I'm good" when the reality is I cannot breathe with the panic that overtakes me every day. My fight or flight is constantly on and I'm always one singular inconvenience or minor negative event away from thinking about violent ways to CTB.
Just yesterday, I got some bad news and threw away most of my belongings in a panicked state. I figured I wouldn't need any of that soon anyhow. Maybe I was right but now my room looks so barren. As I'm typing this, I'm getting deja vu from a dream I once had. I feel like my life course has been chosen for me and I have no say or will in changing it. I feel doomed. The dreams proving this only make me more upset.
I'm not sure how to end this. I guess I just wish I knew how to answer the question without betraying my friend's trust.
I have a hard time lying in certain contexts even if it'd be better to do so. When my closest friends ask me how I'm doing, I often blank and don't know what to say. I give some kind of joke or diluted half truth in response, which always makes me feel horrible, and always makes them even more concerned. I know they have good intentions but if I told them the reality of my day to day, I would lose my freedom and autonomy.
It feels so phony to just answer with "I'm good" when the reality is I cannot breathe with the panic that overtakes me every day. My fight or flight is constantly on and I'm always one singular inconvenience or minor negative event away from thinking about violent ways to CTB.
Just yesterday, I got some bad news and threw away most of my belongings in a panicked state. I figured I wouldn't need any of that soon anyhow. Maybe I was right but now my room looks so barren. As I'm typing this, I'm getting deja vu from a dream I once had. I feel like my life course has been chosen for me and I have no say or will in changing it. I feel doomed. The dreams proving this only make me more upset.
I'm not sure how to end this. I guess I just wish I knew how to answer the question without betraying my friend's trust.
