*how are you sure of suicide , even if you feel happiness most days?*

[nyapoka]

how can you be *that* depressed when you are happy often?
i don't understand my own desire to die, because truly most days i'm not crying or hurting. of course the desire is higher when i'm feeling down, but id still rather be dead 24/7, whether im laughing, crying, calm. my suicidality isn't purely fuelled by depression. i am trying so hard to identify it. if i was on a tropical beach with all i could ever want in life i would still want to die. i wish i understood myself. nothing in life will satisfy me enough to rather life over death. selfish? ungrateful? fuck

 

[shiba]

I wondered the same thing, but I think for me it's the disconnect from reality. Even if I'm not actively hurting I know that I'll never connect with and love someone, and that I'll always be disconnected from everything and everyone else.

 

[Doll Steak]

Me too, most days I'm really not that depressed, hell, this morning I was laughing and having genuine fun with something I was doing but I wouldn't care if I died right here right now. I don't even think my desire to die is out of depression, it's just apathy. Sometimes it's more out of depression though.

 

[kopebaldy]

Depression is a constant battle where you have to keep winning but it only needs to win once. And oh boi... that bitch has been on a montage worthy win streak.

I had good days for sure, plenty. But none of them means much in front of like 5 minutes when my brain switched to suicidal mode lol.

 

[nyapoka]

Me too, most days I'm really not that depressed, hell, this morning I was laughing and having genuine fun with something I was doing but I wouldn't care if I died right here right now. I don't even think my desire to die is out of depression, it's just apathy. Sometimes it's more out of depression though.

YES , like the suicidality is from a lack of satisfaction in simple existence

 

[Forever Sleep]

For me, it's just the practicalities of life putting a spanner in the works. Sure, I suppose I could go sit on that tropical island beach and, forget my worries. How long for though? How much would it cost? What if I need that money for something else? I wouldn't feel comfortable in my body being on that beach because I've put on so much weight. I don't really like being around people anyway, which would mean a more private beach, which would be out of my price range anyway.

I think fantasies have to be realistic at least to be a feasible reality. The reason why the 'perfect' life doesn't feel comforting to me either is because it feels in the realms of impossibility. A bit like- I'd be ok with life if I had a pet unicorn. Clearly, I won't have a pet unicorn and I won't be able to sit alone on a tropical beach for months at a time so- neither bring me a sense of realistic hope.

I think the difficulty for a lot of us is that the ideal life simply isn't achievable in the first place- not consistently anyway. Whatever it is would need to be earnt- unless we have someone funding our every need. Or, by some miracle, we win the lottery.

I tend to find that I just don't enjoy the reality of what life requires- non stop working and chores with just enough distraction to haul myself through. So, while I'm not crying every minute, vast amounts of time are filled with frustration and resentment now for me. I'm tired of having to live like that.

Do you have realistic hopes for the future- may I ask? Can you still focus on the things you need to to try to achieve that future? Are the tasks themselves becoming less enjoyable or, is it fear of the future itself maybe? I definitely think it's worth you trying to figure out what it is causing your ideation. Just in case you can mitigate it somehow.

 

[strawberry931]

Still having happiness doesn't mean you don't want to die. Some people are in unrecoverable situations that they can't avoid. These people still find joy and happiness in things, but are being pressed into a corner for whatever reason. They weigh their options and conclude death is the better option.

 

[nyapoka]

For me, it's just the practicalities of life putting a spanner in the works. Sure, I suppose I could go sit on that tropical island beach and, forget my worries. How long for though? How much would it cost? What if I need that money for something else? I wouldn't feel comfortable in my body being on that beach because I've put on so much weight. I don't really like being around people anyway, which would mean a more private beach, which would be out of my price range anyway.

I think fantasies have to be realistic at least to be a feasible reality. The reason why the 'perfect' life doesn't feel comforting to me either is because it feels in the realms of impossibility. A bit like- I'd be ok with life if I had a pet unicorn. Clearly, I won't have a pet unicorn and I won't be able to sit alone on a tropical beach for months at a time so- neither bring me a sense of realistic hope.

I think the difficulty for a lot of us is that the ideal life simply isn't achievable in the first place- not consistently anyway. Whatever it is would need to be earnt- unless we have someone funding our every need. Or, by some miracle, we win the lottery.

I tend to find that I just don't enjoy the reality of what life requires- non stop working and chores with just enough distraction to haul myself through. So, while I'm not crying every minute, vast amounts of time are filled with frustration and resentment now for me. I'm tired of having to live like that.

Do you have realistic hopes for the future- may I ask? Can you still focus on the things you need to to try to achieve that future? Are the tasks themselves becoming less enjoyable or, is it fear of the future itself maybe? I definitely think it's worth you trying to figure out what it is causing your ideation. Just in case you can mitigate it somehow.

I appreciate this response a lot, and i definitely see your viewpoint, the ideal life is simply unachievable, and we spend a lifetime working ourselves for just a sliver of that life.. ie a car, house, vacation.

the monotony of life, it's dreadful and shallow? i think that's the right word

I just don't find satisfaction in anything. nothing is *enough* for me and it sounds selfish.. maybe it is selfish, or ungrateful. I wouldn't be satisfied if i was rich in a tropical resort, i wouldn't be satisfied homeless on the street. nothing is enjoyable, fun, nor entertaining enough for me to prefer it over death


this is very hard for people to see, people who don't understand can't seem to comprehend it.

It's also very hard to explain how happiness isn't *enough*

Still having happiness doesn't mean you don't want to die. Some people are in unrecoverable situations that they can't avoid. These people still find joy and happiness in things, but are being pressed into a corner for whatever reason. They weigh their options and conclude death is the better option.