How alone are you?

[doli_o]

I'm a 36 yr old woman with a pretty generic, dead end 9-5 and outside the mandatory workplace interactions, I don't really speak to anyone. I have flatmates but I barely interact with them and spend virtually all my time alone in my room, as I have done since I was a child. I've grown apart or fallen out with the few friends I've made as an adult, and can go months without seeing or speaking to the remaining four or five pals in my life. With the exception of one brief thing in my early twenties, I've never been in a relationship (physical or emotional), and I stopped dating around 7 years ago. I haven't spoken to my mother in many years and I'm not a part of a family.

I feel so consumed with shame and embarrassment about who I am and how I live. Everyone deals with loneliness, but I think the way I live must come across as so abnormal and pathetic to others. I don't mean this in a 'I'm a special snowflake' kinda way but I just don't know anyone who is like me in this way - virtually everyone I know or interact with IRL has a family, a partner, and/or a stable/secure group of friends.

I imagine these feelings are pretty relatable here but I'm curious to know - how alone are you?

 

[jodes2]

You shouldn't isolate yourself so much, it must be painful I'm sorry you feel compelled to do that

I talk to my dad often and live with my gf, but other than that I'm completely isolated. Zero friends, don't work.

 

[FuneralCry]

I feel very alone but I would prefer to be alone personally. Humans often just create more suffering, so of course it's for the best to be alone. I could never feel lonely.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Lived alone for 21 years. For the past few years, worked from home alone. Only have one friend I keep in more regular contact with via text and another lady that used to teach me on Whatsapp. Talk to my Dad twice a week on the phone but my parents live miles away- so, haven't seen them for nearly 3 years. Never had a relationship. Haven't even had a hug for nearly 3 years- since seeing my parents.

Know what you mean- doesn't exactly feel like a normal way to live. Mercifully, I wouldn't say I suffer much from loneliness though. Still, sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have a more sociable life. Massive social anxiety puts me off finding out though! Is that something you suffer with also?

So- I guess at least you're not alone in being alone.

 

[whatevs]

I made an amazing friend here of all places and we talk regularly. Apart from that some other contacts online, rubbing elbows at work and my family. When they're gone and the house is silent I start to really feel loneliness in my bones.

We're designed to suffer when we're not social so I hope things improve for you... Dealing with people however, has sometimes a lethal side to it too, humans aren't harmless.

 

[Andarosh]

I apologize in advance as this is my first post and going to probably vent/storytell a bit, just say and I will delete this if need be.

Since 2015 after moving to a different city, I was alone for 5 years, until I met a friend at college, we were friends for 1,5 years or so until the second half of June (or so) this year when I betrayed her... and I fell into depression for almost 4 months. Now as I am healthy, I feel like I should CTB, because now I can see the pattern where I constantly hurt and/or betray friends and people around me as this isn´t the first or second time I did something like this (that I had hurt other friends, not just the one i met at college), and there is nothing I can do about it isn´t something like "learn mistake and move on" but instead it is deep inside me and this can´t be changed., I don´t want to hurt other people as it hurts me as well, but there is nothing I can do about it. (I have never even had a relationship in my life at all).

I do feel sad about this, but for me I don´t think there is any other way than that...
Sooner or later I would either find someone new (and betray them soon in some way) or I would be alone (which I don´t believe is the right way although I deserve to be).

Sorry, I´m also shy at posting.

 

[JamesUK]

I have a few family members I'm in frequent contact with and one friend I see once a year at most.

Never had a relationship.

Once my parents are gone I'll basically only be in contact with my sibling and occasionally one friend.

I'm a ashamed of the situation too and it does seem very abnormal. I don't think we need many friends though, just a couple of good ones and a partner would easily be enough.

 

[tyasma]

Severely, and it's no wonder taken a toll on my health (all kinds). At this point maybe it's my fault, I can't seem to just move out of my family home somewhere and start life anew even if it's a shitty simple job if it meant I could meet new people and not be reminded everyday of my whole life of failures. Don't know if I could make it though, I fear I'd die in a few days of "trying"

edit: I relate a lot to your post even though my circumstances are really different. Well, "different" in a sense but I bet the feeling is the same. I feel like a zombie sometimes. An alien zombie. Definitely not anything resembling a human. If I were, I'd be more like everybody else.

Still wish I had that "special someone", though... Depending on love to motivate your life is 'wrong' but damn me if it isn't the best drug ever. I long for anything (or anyone) that could make me feel seen and that I could, in turn, see too. I had (or thought I had) that in my past and it cured virtually everything about my LDAR zombie day-to-day mentality. Doubt I'll have any luck.

 

[EndlessDespair]

I'm a 36 yr old woman with a pretty generic, dead end 9-5 and outside the mandatory workplace interactions, I don't really speak to anyone. I have flatmates but I barely interact with them and spend virtually all my time alone in my room, as I have done since I was a child. I've grown apart or fallen out with the few friends I've made as an adult, and can go months without seeing or speaking to the remaining four or five pals in my life. With the exception of one brief thing in my early twenties, I've never been in a relationship (physical or emotional), and I stopped dating around 7 years ago. I haven't spoken to my mother in many years and I'm not a part of a family.

I feel so consumed with shame and embarrassment about who I am and how I live. Everyone deals with loneliness, but I think the way I live must come across as so abnormal and pathetic to others. I don't mean this in a 'I'm a special snowflake' kinda way but I just don't know anyone who is like me in this way - virtually everyone I know or interact with IRL has a family, a partner, and/or a stable/secure group of friends.

I imagine these feelings are pretty relatable here but I'm curious to know - how alone are you?

You literally just summarized my whole life. The only thing different is I will not allow myself to suffer for 30 years. If my life continues lik this, then 25 is where I end it. Maybe even earlier. Idk how you continued living life like that for so long.

 

[Emmie]

I'm a 36 yr old woman with a pretty generic, dead end 9-5 and outside the mandatory workplace interactions, I don't really speak to anyone. I have flatmates but I barely interact with them and spend virtually all my time alone in my room, as I have done since I was a child. I've grown apart or fallen out with the few friends I've made as an adult, and can go months without seeing or speaking to the remaining four or five pals in my life. With the exception of one brief thing in my early twenties, I've never been in a relationship (physical or emotional), and I stopped dating around 7 years ago. I haven't spoken to my mother in many years and I'm not a part of a family.

I feel so consumed with shame and embarrassment about who I am and how I live. Everyone deals with loneliness, but I think the way I live must come across as so abnormal and pathetic to others. I don't mean this in a 'I'm a special snowflake' kinda way but I just don't know anyone who is like me in this way - virtually everyone I know or interact with IRL has a family, a partner, and/or a stable/secure group of friends.

I imagine these feelings are pretty relatable here but I'm curious to know - how alone are you?

I'm 38 and live alone on disability. I have no friends and I don't even know where my mother and father live or even if they are still alive. I lost interest in relationships back in my late twenties. I have one brother and a step father that I get along with and see a few times per year. I'm autistic, so I'm mostly okay with this abnormal situation. I celebrate all my holidays alone. I enjoy it that way, although there is a feeling in the background telling me it's unnatural to be this way.

I interact occasionally online with a few people, which seems to be enough for me. I recently bought a gaming headset to play my favourite video game with human teammates but it's all men--many of whom are crass and annoying--so I don't like dealing with them.

I occasionally find people like us online and I have screenshots of their posts that I look at when I feel like an alien! Best of luck to you.

 

[ChineseOutcast]

Very alone. There has never been anyone in my life, whatsoever, who can relate to me on a spiritual(/intellectual, so to speak) level. Which is why I have no friends in real life, and only some superficial ones online. I am in low contact with my family. I can't blend into the society and don't intend to. I also have fringe views like antinatalism and efilism. All I want is someone who understands me/sees reality in the same (grim) way as I do, but maybe that won't happen and I'll just die alone in misery.

 

[hopeless302]

Not alone enough, bruh. I want to find a quiet place where I can waste away until I'm ready to ctb. Everything around me is starting to sound like noise. It fades into the background at the best of times, and makes me feeling like jumping off a cliff at worst. I want to isolate myself from everything and everyone.

 

[annique]

badly

 

[PJS1995]

I'm 38, single and I have one friend I actually hang out with in person, and that's usually just watching TV. I do love my family, but being alone so much and for so long really takes i toll. I don't know how much longer I can do this.

 

[Wannagonow]

Very alone and lonely. Spouse passed away 4 years ago. I have 1 friend. No meaningful contact with family. My mental health challenges have prevented me from working for years. Yeah. Being alone sucks. Hence the slow process to eventually ctb.

 

[UnlimitedPain]

So alone I wanna go not alone

 

[seawolf11]

On a scale of 0 to 10 and 10 being extremely lonely, I'll say I'm a 10.

I'm tired of this feeling that I don't exist. Things were going okay until the pandemic. My life is just one example of how life can get away from you no matter how much you try, no matter how conscious one might be.

Since 2014, I i worked non-stop on a business, hoping to live life on my terms, to eventually do what I wanted, and pay off some debt. I worked 7 days a week, as much as humanly possible and everything was going well. I was about to sell the business, everything would have been paid off and I would have had money in the bank. Amazing! My plan was going to work.

Fast forward to March 2020. I had two investors competing to buy the business. It was in writing. About 3 days later the world began shutting down due to the pandemic. I remember the NHL and NBA shut down within a span of one or two days, and then the investors put the deal on hold.

The world began to crumble. At first, the pandemic was good for business but then the last domino fell and I lost over 50% of my income and the business's value fell with it. Since the pandemic, I went from "Finally, now I get to live the life I want. Fantastic," to "I'll never get out of this hole. I'm stuck going nowhere and I can't see the future." On top of it all, I've been on my own, with nobody really to lean on. My philosophy is quite simple " I want to live, but not like this. I want a meaningful life, but this life I am living is not meaningful and serves no purpose."

If I had a bottle, or two, of N, I'd drink right now. It's hard enough to struggle, but to do it alone feels pointless. I don't see the day when things get better, and that's the part that shatters my soul. Hope is something we all need, and I haven't had it since around April 2020.

Somehow I think most of us would feel a little better if we were together in a room, knowing we weren't alone. We all need people. It's human. It's necessary.

Does anyone know a source for N? I've seen messages showing that D is no longer selling. If anybody could point me in the right direction, I'd appreciate it.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I have a lot of friends, but I have isolated myself over the last year so now I'm just down to a few but mostly try to keep to myself.

 

[outrider567]

Been alone since girlfriend died January after 35 years together, been lonely all year--Big hole in my life, and my only brother dying two weeks ago just made me more lonely

 

[didn't-it-rain]

I was talking to my therapist about this the other day. I don't know if it's actually more common than one would think, but it's totally eerie to think about the fact that I don't actually have any friends. I guess I have one, who I've known for almost two decades, but I don't actually like his company that much? lol. I've had several friendships come and go over the years, but they're all typically pretty short-term. I either get bored, annoyed, or too anxious to maintain relationships - even with people I'm otherwise close to and should, theoretically, feel pretty comfortable around. Anyway, all this used to bother me a lot more but it hardly does anymore. Every once in a while I'll get an urge to meet people, but that urge fades almost as soon as it comes, so I guess I never really give myself time to explore connections. But the urge typically comes about in the context of my wanting to vent to someone and realizing I don't have anyone to vent to, anyway, and I guess this kinda circles back to what I was saying about getting bored by people (which sounds borderline sociopathic IMO, but maybe I'm just being hard on myself): I just don't have the patience for really nurturing healthy two-sided relationships. Of course I can maybe just attribute that to depression sucking my energy for socialization, but idk.

 

[Rounded Agony]

Crushingly.

Over the course of the past few years, due to a variety of events and circumstances, I came to realise how human company and companionship were always integral to my wellbeing without ever being discretely aware of it - because it had always been there. I also realised it was usually me who did the work to keep them alive. I had a time where I needed proactive support, didn't get it, and lost many key connections. I was able to make due with others, but those too have either eroded over time or I've been neglected, betrayed, or whatever else.

I was on a path to establishing myself in a new environment, then covid. Ended up relocating and establishing some supports in a previous place from my history, but had to move just over a year ago to a huge isolating city, which has caused those ties to fade and there's been almost no re-establishment of anything else, despite concerted effort the start of this year. Have three housemates; one hardly leaves his room, one does only to eat and use the TV, and one who is almost always in shared space buried in laptop and earbuds.

I've made one friend who has a lot on his plate in many ways, so only about a quarter of our plans end up going through. I hear from basically no one else for months on end, at this point I'm too sour to really indulge what at this point feels like afterthought attempts at staying in touch. Wanted to do several things over summer but could never motivate myself to do anything just for the sake of doing it - alone. If I'd be alone, either way, why leave home? I thought. Now winter has showed up nice and early and I wish I had taken advantage of the sun and warmth.

I'm sure, though, that if nothing changes and I survive till next summer, it'll be the same thing all over again.

 

[doli_o]

Lived alone for 21 years. For the past few years, worked from home alone. Only have one friend I keep in more regular contact with via text and another lady that used to teach me on Whatsapp. Talk to my Dad twice a week on the phone but my parents live miles away- so, haven't seen them for nearly 3 years. Never had a relationship. Haven't even had a hug for nearly 3 years- since seeing my parents.

Know what you mean- doesn't exactly feel like a normal way to live. Mercifully, I wouldn't say I suffer much from loneliness though. Still, sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have a more sociable life. Massive social anxiety puts me off finding out though! Is that something you suffer with also?

So- I guess at least you're not alone in being alone.

That sounds kinda rough - going without contact really takes its toll on a person. I've always come across as someone who doesn't want human contact (to the point where it's been a joke between friends and easily noticed by others) but it just wasn't offered to me as a kid and as an adult, I don't know how to accept or offer it to others. I think a lot about how that affects a person, and whether it's possible to change. I need a lot of alone time but it feels less and less like a choice now - there's definitely some anxiety around socialising but I don't think it comes across much, at least on a surface level. The anxiety kicks in when someone wants to get to know me, then I end up flaking/making excuses to get out of things. There's a quote from this article that sums it up pretty well:

"Shame creates imaginary worlds inside your head. This haunted house you're creating is forged from your shame. No one else can see it, so you keep trying to describe it to them. You find ways to say, "You don't want any part of this mess. I'm mediocre, aging rapidly, and poor. Do yourself a favor and leave me behind." You want to be left behind, though. That way, no one bears witness to what you've become."

Basically, I feel like I'm stuck in a rut of my own doing and not sure how to climb out, or if I even want to at this point

I'm a ashamed of the situation too and it does seem very abnormal. I don't think we need many friends though, just a couple of good ones and a partner would easily be enough.

Agreed - not everyone is suited to having a ton of friends and/or a really active social life! The opportunity to spend time with others has really dwindled in the last few years, mainly due to a friendship break-up, and I really feel the absence of that. Not having a partner at my age, or at least a history of relationships, seems very abnormal. I'm not at all interested in dating someone for the sake of ticking a box, it would just be nice to meet someone.

Severely, and it's no wonder taken a toll on my health (all kinds). At this point maybe it's my fault, I can't seem to just move out of my family home somewhere and start life anew even if it's a shitty simple job if it meant I could meet new people and not be reminded everyday of my whole life of failures. Don't know if I could make it though, I fear I'd die in a few days of "trying"

edit: I relate a lot to your post even though my circumstances are really different. Well, "different" in a sense but I bet the feeling is the same. I feel like a zombie sometimes. An alien zombie. Definitely not anything resembling a human. If I were, I'd be more like everybody else.

Still wish I had that "special someone", though... Depending on love to motivate your life is 'wrong' but damn me if it isn't the best drug ever. I long for anything (or anyone) that could make me feel seen and that I could, in turn, see too. I had (or thought I had) that in my past and it cured virtually everything about my LDAR zombie day-to-day mentality. Doubt I'll have any luck.

That sounds tough, loneliness definitely has a big impact on a person's health. I get that feeling of alienation around other people too - sometimes when I'm around people talking about their partners/families/friends, I have to excuse myself or just mentally zone out because those feelings of shame/embarrassment start rising to the surface. I try not to get too caught up in this idea of 'a special someone' - maybe the absence of monogamous, forever-type relationship isn't the most important thing in the world - but wanting to see and be seen by someone, even if it was just for a short while...yeah, it would be something.

You literally just summarized my whole life. The only thing different is I will not allow myself to suffer for 30 years. If my life continues lik this, then 25 is where I end it. Maybe even earlier. Idk how you continued living life like that for so long.

It's interesting bc your reply made me feel a bit defensive (don't mean that in a rude way). I definitely think my life has been and will continue to be difficult and lonely, but it hasn't all been bad. I've experienced friendship in the past, and I wonder if it's possible to do so again in the future, whether that's working on the friendships I currently have, and/or meeting new people. I don't know if I'll ever have a romantic/intimate relationship and even though that's difficult to accept, I do think it is possible to have a life worth living without one. Being alone feels like less of a choice these days, but I need and want to be alone more than most people I know.

I can't speak to your situation but perhaps it is possible to deal with all that and still have a life worth living - idk, that's the question I'm asking these days.

 

[Forever Sleep]

That sounds kinda rough - going without contact really takes its toll on a person. I've always come across as someone who doesn't want human contact (to the point where it's been a joke between friends and easily noticed by others) but it just wasn't offered to me as a kid and as an adult, I don't know how to accept or offer it to others. I think a lot about how that affects a person, and whether it's possible to change. I need a lot of alone time but it feels less and less like a choice now - there's definitely some anxiety around socialising but I don't think it comes across much, at least on a surface level. The anxiety kicks in when someone wants to get to know me, then I end up flaking/making excuses to get out of things. There's a quote from this article that sums it up pretty well:

"Shame creates imaginary worlds inside your head. This haunted house you're creating is forged from your shame. No one else can see it, so you keep trying to describe it to them. You find ways to say, "You don't want any part of this mess. I'm mediocre, aging rapidly, and poor. Do yourself a favor and leave me behind." You want to be left behind, though. That way, no one bears witness to what you've become."

Basically, I feel like I'm stuck in a rut of my own doing and not sure how to climb out, or if I even want to at this point

Agreed - not everyone is suited to having a ton of friends and/or a really active social life! The opportunity to spend time with others has really dwindled in the last few years, mainly due to a friendship break-up, and I really feel the absence of that. Not having a partner at my age, or at least a history of relationships, seems very abnormal. I'm not at all interested in dating someone for the sake of ticking a box, it would just be nice to meet someone.

That sounds tough, loneliness definitely has a big impact on a person's health. I get that feeling of alienation around other people too - sometimes when I'm around people talking about their partners/families/friends, I have to excuse myself or just mentally zone out because those feelings of shame/embarrassment start rising to the surface. I try not to get too caught up in this idea of 'a special someone' - maybe the absence of monogamous, forever-type relationship isn't the most important thing in the world - but wanting to see and be seen by someone, even if it was just for a short while...yeah, it would be something.

I'm so sorry. I relate a lot to what you're saying. I think you're right as well- if we haven't been 'socialised' well growing up (bit like dogs I guess!) I think it's kind of natural we would struggle when we're adults. It's kind of odd though because I don't think I really struggled as a very young child. I just got more and more shy the more I grew I think. Still- I know what you mean that it feels less of a choice now- although I suppose it is still our choice to isolate because the alternative seems too scary or too uncomfortable.

I need a lot of alone time too. Sometimes I actually surprise myself around people but I find it exhausting and like you- talk of families, boyfriends etc is not something I can relate to at all and I feel kind of uncomfortable.

Wow, that quote is so sad but yes, I think it holds a lot of truth in it.

It sounds as if you have had a (close?) friendship in the past? That also sounds similar to me. It's not that I've never had friends. I did have a best friend- who I cared so much about (and still do- but it's different now.) Our lives have moved on now though and she has a family and a very busy life. We're barely friends at all now. Think that can be the other problem- if you get hurt by being close to people and losing them, it can make you reluctant to form new relationships. I'm also the same as you- in that I don't see the point in 'fair weather friends' or a relationship just for the sake of it.

'Stuck in a rut of my own doing'- That's exactly it really. Guess we kind of know we've got no one to blame but ourselves but it doesn't make it any easier to change things. I truly hope you do find the way out though- if you think it will help you. I wish you all the best.

 

[Ligottian]

I've always had a very small group of friends. And almost all had a nasty habit of drifting away or dying relatively young (natural causes or accidents, no suicides).

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Only I know the true extent of the suffering I've been through. No one else could ever know (I say this as a physical reality, not to be edgy) even if they express sympathy or are willing to try to understand. So in that sense, I'm pretty alone.

 

[freedomcalls]

I am NEVER alone and it feels like suffocating

I'm deeply sorry for everyone who suffers

 

[Hotsackage]

brain stopped working so i only interact with my parents. forcing to focus on my spiritual development rather then the 9 to 5 crap

 

[Anonymus]

I relate it to my mother and another member of this forum. There is another person on this forum, who I hope is well, who has not been heard from for two weeks. There is no one else.

//

En relaciono amb la meva mare i un altre membre d'aquest fórum. Hi ha una altre persona d'aquest fórum, que desitjo es trobi bé, de la qual no en se res de fa dues setmanes. No hi ha ningú més.

 

[IsThisTheEnd?]

I can relate to the shame and embarrassment.

 

[Unending]

I'm a 36 yr old woman with a pretty generic, dead end 9-5 and outside the mandatory workplace interactions, I don't really speak to anyone. I have flatmates but I barely interact with them and spend virtually all my time alone in my room, as I have done since I was a child. I've grown apart or fallen out with the few friends I've made as an adult, and can go months without seeing or speaking to the remaining four or five pals in my life. With the exception of one brief thing in my early twenties, I've never been in a relationship (physical or emotional), and I stopped dating around 7 years ago. I haven't spoken to my mother in many years and I'm not a part of a family.

I feel so consumed with shame and embarrassment about who I am and how I live. Everyone deals with loneliness, but I think the way I live must come across as so abnormal and pathetic to others. I don't mean this in a 'I'm a special snowflake' kinda way but I just don't know anyone who is like me in this way - virtually everyone I know or interact with IRL has a family, a partner, and/or a stable/secure group of friends.

I imagine these feelings are pretty relatable here but I'm curious to know - how alone are you?

I live with roommates and stay in my room for the majority of the time as well. Everyone else has things that they do daily like work or classes, yet I just remain here locked in my room. The only thing that really bothers me about this is how pathetic and sad it makes me feel. I definitely get down about seeing everyone else living comparatively normal lives while I am living my reclusive lifestyle. That being said, I will be moving soon into a much less crowded household and look forward to living around less people. Isolation is always much more peaceful for me when there aren't others around to remind me how maladaptive it is considered.