Venting How a simple fight can feel like being killed ...

[gentleflower]

I have not been posting really much here. So, I am not really expecting any kind of feedback from you guys. But I can't take it anymore today. It's just all too much.
I've had a friendship with someone from across the world. Which I now seem to have ruined, probably unrepairable. It meant pretty much to me, most likely too much.
I am so done...
I have not really slept, I have been crying for the last hours
I am not trying to discount the feelings of the person I had the fight with. Not at all.
I did something wrong. I overstepped a boundary. I ruined it. again. This always happens to me. I am either not keeping close enough contact, that the other thinks I don't care or I am suffocating the other one with my worry that something may happen or that they suddenly don't care about me anymore, so, me needing constant reassurance that I am not a bother and still wanted.
I have not chosen to be like this... If I could just switch it off ... how much I would pay for this to be possible
I am probably just not made for human contact to last
I really can't take this anymore
I don't know what I am supposed to do
I am typing this with tears running down my face, blood dripping down my thigh and just being in horrible pain...

I have read online that for BPD patients a simple fight can feel like losing a loved one forever and being associated with the pain of intense grief and damn.
This is exactly what I am feeling right now ...
I am trying to be sympathetic. I really am. I am driven to try and solve things with the friend I angered, but I feel that I will just make the friend angrier if I continue trying.
But why does it feel like my feelings never matter?
I have already deleted a few of the accounts I used online for several things, somehow associated to that friend. I am just so done... Every friendship is bound to fail with me at one point or the other and I still have not learned how to deal with being lonely.
With all this isolation going on right now, I know I would also never be found in time to be saved ... but it would be impulsive right now and that's not good

 

[autumnal]

Do you have a formal diagnosis of BPD? Have you received any treatment for it?

One of the key diagnostic criteria is marked instability in interpersonal relationships, which is something you've clearly identified. People with BPD often swing fairly randomnly between idealising others and demonising them.

 

[gentleflower]

Yes, I have a formal diagnosis. Been diagnosed half a year ago or so.
Never looked into personality disorders before that

 

[faust]

Hello, I am glad you are telling us about your problem.
Argues with people who mean much for us are devastating, but sometimes you need a time-span to make the time make everything for you.
I think it would be much better to wait several days and then apologize for everything that was done.
3-4 days should be more than enough if you want to return your friendship.
Can be 2 days, but a time-span is a must.
You have to be honest in your apologies and write a decent amount, not just a few words. I don't mean you have to write a novel, no, maybe a message which is of the same length as I am writing now.
Good luck in whatever you do!

 

[gentleflower]

Hello, I am glad you are telling us about your problem.
Argues with people who mean much for us are devastating, but sometimes you need a time-span to make the time make everything for you.
I think it would be much better to wait several days and then apologize for everything that was done.
3-4 days should be more than enough if you want to return your friendship.
Can be 2 days, but a time-span is a must.
You have to be honest in your apologies and write a decent amount, not just a few words. I don't mean you have to write a novel, no, maybe a message which is of the same length as I am writing now.
Good luck in whatever you do!

Oh, I think I've already spammed too many lengthy apologies/trying to explain myself to that friend
Didn't help. As I said, it probably just made it worse
I guess you're right that I ought to have patience and try again, in a few days. I am probably the most impatient person on earth though ...
I'm just feeling utterly lost rn.

 

[faust]

Oh, I think I've already spammed too many lengthy apologies/trying to explain myself to that friend
Didn't help. As I said, it probably just made it worse
I guess you're right that I ought to have patience and try again, in a few days. I am probably the most impatient person on earth though ...
I'm just feeling utterly lost rn.

Hmm, well, it should depend on you. I don't know would that be appropriate in your case to talk again in a week, but maybe it would be a good idea to extend the time-span and try again later. Well, at least if that person says no, it is not your fault that a person finds resentment more reasonable than a friendship!

 

[gentleflower]

Hmm, well, it should depend on you. I don't know would that be appropriate in your case to talk again in a week, but maybe it would be a good idea to extend the time-span and try again later. Well, at least if that person says no, it is not your fault that a person finds resentment more reasonable than a friendship!

Yeah, I am trying to refrain from not sending an attempt at another apology. That's what actually brought my post on here. I was going crazy without doing anything

 

[faust]

Yeah, I am trying to refrain from not sending an attempt at another apology. That's what actually brought my post on here. I was going crazy without doing anything

For some people it is sometimes helpful to write their thoughts on a sheet of paper. If you feel an urge to write, just take a pen and write for yourself.

 

[autumnal]

If there was one single piece of advice I could give a BPD sufferer trying to mange their relationships with others, it is to do nothing. Don't pursue, don't apologise, don't grovel, don't give ultimatums. Just wait and give the other person time to digest things and let them make the next move when they feel ready.

It's also one of the hardest pieces of advice to follow, both for normal people and especially so for BPD sufferers.

 

[gentleflower]

For some people it is sometimes helpful to write their thoughts on a sheet of paper. If you feel an urge to write, just take a pen and write for yourself.

I am already doing that
Sorry, if I shouldn't have posted here with it..

If there was one single piece of advice I could give a BPD sufferer trying to mange their relationships with others, it is to do nothing. Don't pursue, don't apologise, don't grovel, don't give ultimatums. Just wait and give the other person time to digest things and let them make the next move when they feel ready.

It's also one of the hardest pieces of advice to follow, both for normal people and especially so for BPD sufferers.

I'll try to take that advice
I have tried apologizing too many times already
I'm just done
I deleted all the profiles I used to upload my fanfictions. Was a stupid hobby anyway

 

[faust]

I am already doing that
Sorry, if I shouldn't have posted here with it..


I'll try to take that advice
I have tried apologizing too many times already
I'm just done
I deleted all the profiles I used to upload my fanfictions. Was a stupid hobby anyway

No, we are here to listen. You did nothing wrong that you shared with us your feelings

 

[gentleflower]

No, we are here to listen. You did nothing wrong that you shared with us your feelings

Sorry, I am just an over-sensitive mess right now

 

[autumnal]

I am already doing that
Sorry, if I shouldn't have posted here with it..

No, you're welcome to vent here. What @faust meant is get your feelings down somewhere other than sharing them with the person in question. Paper, forum, whatever it's all good as long as you're not bombarding that person.

I deleted all the profiles I used to upload my fanfictions. Was a stupid hobby anyway

You know how they recommend cooling-off periods for gun purchases? They need to bring those in for every single action done in anger by those with BPD.

 

[gentleflower]

No, you're welcome to vent here. What @faust meant is get your feelings down somewhere other than sharing them with the person in question. Paper, forum, whatever it's all good as long as you're not bombarding that person.



You know how they recommend cooling-off periods for gun purchases? They need to bring those in for every single action done in anger by those with BPD.

Yeah, I've been trying that
I used to say that I don't qualify at all for impulsivity associated with BPD, I guess I was wrong there as well ...
Can't be undone now anyway. I have been "threatening" or "warning" my followers on the site for months now, that this may happen though

 

[faust]

No, you're welcome to vent here. What @faust meant is get your feelings down somewhere other than sharing them with the person in question. Paper, forum, whatever it's all good as long as you're not bombarding that person.



You know how they recommend cooling-off periods for gun purchases? They need to bring those in for every single action done in anger by those with BPD.

Ye, that's how an absence of emoji in the end may be understood in a different way

 

[gentleflower]

I am also not angry at my friend at all. I am sad.
If anything, I am angry at myself, for ruining something I dearly treasured
Everything I "touch" is bound to spoil at some point though. I should be used to that by now
We have had the exact same fight before. I know that my friend may just need some time to cool off. But how many times can you forgive someone for acting like an idiot and overstepping personal boundaries until it's too much?

Ye, that's how an absence of emoji in the end may be understood in a different way

As I haven't used this site very much yet to express my feelings if I need to, I am easily unsure if I did something wrong
It's just in my nature to assume that everything I do, is wrong somehow

 

[autumnal]

And one serious one...

 

[faust]

I am also not angry at my friend at all. I am sad.
If anything, I am angry at myself, for ruining something I dearly treasured
Everything I "touch" is bound to spoil at some point though. I should be used to that by now
We have had the exact same fight before. I know that my friend may just need some time to cool off. But how many times can you forgive someone for acting like an idiot and overstepping personal boundaries until it's too much?


As I haven't used this site very much yet to express my feelings if I need to, I am easily unsure if I did something wrong
It's just in my nature to assume that everything I do, is wrong somehow

You did everything right, we will talk to you and won't judge

 

[gentleflower]

You did everything right, we will talk to you and won't judge

Thank you

 

[Deleted member 1465]

From what I've seen of people on here BPD is a horrible thing to deal with.
I'd agree, I think taking a step back may be helpful, whilst constantly apologising may have the opposite effect to what is desired. Least said, soonest mended may apply here. But then I get that it's hard to do that. I'm similar in many ways - I see something wrong, I try to fix it - I feel it really hard to just sit back and give it time, but often that is what is needed. When I have backed off, sometimes things have actually sorted themselves out and gone easier than expected.

 

[gentleflower]

From what I've seen of people on here BPD is a horrible thing to deal with.
I'd agree, I think taking a step back may be helpful, whilst constantly apologising may have the opposite effect to what is desired. Least said, soonest mended may apply here. But then I get that it's hard to do that. I'm similar in many ways - I see something wrong, I try to fix it - I feel it really hard to just sit back and give it time, but often that is what is needed. When I have backed off, sometimes things have actually sorted themselves out and gone easier than expected.

Since I do not have my diagnose that long and promptly after my diagnose, the time in the clinic was up and now I have no follow-up therapy place, I am left alone in trying to figure it all out. Which is admittedly pretty hard and confusing. I of course never thought that other people may not be having similar thoughts than I have all the time. So, it is hard for me to figure out what would be "appropriate" reactions
I am trying to sit back now.
I logically know, that me trying constantly to mend things with my friend, will only push my friend away further. If that's even possible currently

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Since I do not have my diagnose that long and promptly after my diagnose, the time in the clinic was up and now I have no follow-up therapy place, I am left alone in trying to figure it all out. Which is admittedly pretty hard and confusing. I of course never thought that other people may not be having similar thoughts than I have all the time. So, it is hard for me to figure out what would be "appropriate" reactions
I am trying to sit back now.
I logically know, that me trying constantly to mend things with my friend, will only push my friend away further. If that's even possible currently

Very tough thing to deal with, especially if you are left to your own devices. It sounds to me like you have a healthy attitude to it. There's plenty of people on here with BPD that might be able to give you more insight. I wish I could say more, but it's not a condition I suffer from.

 

[autumnal]

Since I do not have my diagnose that long and promptly after my diagnose, the time in the clinic was up and now I have no follow-up therapy place, I am left alone in trying to figure it all out.

There are a lot of good self-help books about BPD, if you have a look on Amazon or elsewhere. These are a couple that looked especially good:

Amazon product ASIN 1684032733

Amazon product ASIN 1572245077

 

[gentleflower]

There are a lot of good self-help books about BPD, if you have a look on Amazon or elsewhere. These are a couple that looked especially good:

Amazon product ASIN 1684032733

Amazon product ASIN 1572245077

I have actually already purchased self-help books
But I can't really say that I find them helpful as of yet xD

 

[gentleflower]

So, a little update
It actually was too much for my friend
One answer was to be left alone forever, that my friend can't deal with all my issues as well anymore ...
I don't know when the last time was, that I felt so utterly defeated

 

[faust]

So, a little update
It actually was too much for my friend
One answer was to be left alone forever, that my friend can't deal with all my issues as well anymore ...
I don't know when the last time was, that I felt so utterly defeated

Damn, I am so sorry to hear that...
But I understand your pain at the same time.
Did you pm today?

 

[gentleflower]

Damn, I am so sorry to hear that...
But I understand your pain at the same time.
Did you pm today?

My friend had ansered to one of my attempts to explain/apologise myself. That's it now. And that was via mail.
I don't know what's going on in my friend's life atm. Probably too much.
I feel so done now ... done with everything

 

[faust]

My friend had ansered to one of my attempts to explain/apologise myself. That's it now. And that was via mail.
I don't know what's going on in my friend's life atm. Probably too much.
I feel so done now ... done with everything

So in the last message just mention " if you ever need me, please, feel free to talk ". And unfortunately you have to forget this person. It is not a good friend when he leaves you during hard times - that is my own opinion.

 

[gentleflower]

So in the last message just mention " if you ever need me, please, feel free to talk ". And unfortunately you have to forget this person. It is not a good friend when he leaves you during hard times - that is my own opinion.

Yeah, I will have to forget about that friend, that's true
Very hard pill to swallow
I have actually written my "last" message, but I already am tempted to write again, because so far I have been very very emotional and just took the whole blame

 

[faust]

Yeah, I will have to forget about that friend, that's true
Very hard pill to swallow
I have actually written my "last" message, but I already am tempted to write again, because so far I have been very very emotional and just took the whole blame

No need to, you may get some bad words instead.