Horrendous day. Though suicidality is not my main issues currently rather preventing falling down the edge and not to have another mental breakdown. This day was very very hard to cope with. I ended up taking a half benzo. I still feel abysmally. I have an headache and I usually only get that under major stress and pressure.
There happened a lot of things though I don't want to elaborate on all of them. The day also started horrenous but it could have been so much worse. It was a weird mix of emotions today. I developed verbal diarrhea and was so talkative towards so many people. I wrote texts like almost the whole fucking day. I worried so fucking much.
Yesterday evening I got the grade of the one exam that made me extremely nervous. I passed it but way way under my usual GPA. I am obsessed by performance pressure due to childhood abuse. After I finished the exam I knew it will be by far the worst grade I ever wrote at college. Though I developed extremely obsessed ruminating and worrying about it. And interestingly similarly to the incident with my crush I ended up at irrational (sometimes positive) conclusions. Like she loved me. Or that I might have had a B. I told me that a lot recently to ease my sorrows. At the same I was hellish anxious to have failed the exam. So far the grade barely changed my GPA because I wrote a lot of other exams already. A part of me was really really relieved. The other part was disappointed and angry. I could have performed so much better. I don't really know why this semester was such a total disaster. I was a complete wreck at the exam despite the fact I took one whole benzo the day prior and at the same day prior to the exam which is completely insane. For the fact that I was a complete mess that day I can be somewhat glad that I passed it. Honestly I think having failed that exam could have ended my time at college. There were so many horror scenarios. There were so many constellations which would have fully broken me. I would have been in big big trouble. I was insanely anxious when I wrote the exam. Despite the fact I took so fucking much benzos. If I had to repeat the exam this could have triggered a psychosis. Moreover I could not relax during the holidays. If you fail an exam two times you are out usually. I could have never stomached that pressure. I am pretty sure about that. So I kind of escaped a catastrophe for the moment. Holy shit.
I am still torturing me for that bad grade. I hate myself. But another part of me says well you passed it it could have been SO MUCH WORSE. I tried to analyze why this semester was such a hellhole. I thought a lot about it. Furthermore I was sort of paralyzed during the time I did not know my grade. I procrastinated important decisions which was irrational. I usually don't tend to procrastination. But I could not do anything productive without knowing the exam result. I cried several times also in public. Not today but recently. There were 3 main issues this semester. The schedule completely fucked my brain. The next schedule looks way better. I fucking hated the courses that I had to do. Today I analyzed which next courses I could take. I think I have come to a good conclusion. I wanted to take a course that many people call easy. Though I fucking despise the content. The content is important though personally I just get very depressed and sad when I have to deal with it. I will take another course which is harder though the topic is way more interesting for me. The last point. My unfulfiled love life. I have a strong desire for a partner. Though I don't have any solution for that. My psychotic brain ruins everything very early on. This semester I had love delusions like for several months. I think this took extremely much energy. I think maybe this is why I was such a wreck. And the schedule fueled that even more. I have found a strategy to dodge the girl I have love delusions with. And I think there is a high chance it will work. Maybe I will see her still sometimes but way less. However finding a partner still sounds totally utopian. I don't have a solution for the love problem in general.
So the whole thing sounds somewhat optimistic. The irony about this is. Nothing of this matters. I am pretty sure I cannot work. I am too much of a neurotic wreck. I just keep the act on to calm and please my family. When my mom dies I am out of here. It is just insane. I am so fucking dysfunctional. I spend so fucking much energy to keep the shit somewhat together. When I compare myself with others I am a complete joke. Other people have a career and fulfiling love life and I almost break doing a part-time college degree, with barely houshold chores and taking additcitve medication to cope with the stress. I am so fucking ill.
I try to take a deep breath and relax. The day today was pretty much hellish. And I wonder what would have happened if I failed this exam. One therapist of mine had the concern I might could develop a psychosis in such a case. I replied that seems kind of unlikely. But after experencing this day I am not sure anymore. Still I think psychotic symptoms are rather unlikely. Rather an extreme major depressive breakdown, crying the whole day, with impulses to kill myself, actually planning suicide. I think this would have been likelier. Though still not very pleasant.
Holy shit the day was totally insane.
To add one thing. I have a theory on something but I am not certain. Even by my strategy to counter the decline of my mental health I am not sure how promising all the measures are. I have the feeling my subconsciousness wants to break free from that corset (I think you don't use such a metophor on English.) that studying means for me. I mean by that having a lot of duties, pressuring me, always worrying. I have the feeling especially during the last two semesters my mental health declined completely. I had to take so much more addictive medication. Even my insanely liberal psychiatrist was concerned about addiction - but she will have forgotten that the next time we meet. Two threats are my mental decline and maybe addiction. Though by far the biggest threat for my college degree is the following. My psychiatrist retires soon. And I think barely any other psychiatrist would support me in this insane kamikaze strategy with addictive medication. They are essential for me to work. But I think so far I could dodge addiction. I am wiling to keep on gambling because there is simply none alternative. I tried so fucking much (people often don't believe that when I am saying that but it is the truth). I only demanded a new subscription when I had none of them anymore to protect me from abusing them. But I have to change that. As long as I see her I have the time to collect some of them. I really doubt any psychiatrist would support me. I want to convince her to helping me to persuade another psychiatrist to support this strategy. Well the last appointment I might have been a little bit too explicit and told her which hell broke lose during this semester. The crashing from psychotic and manic thought into depression was purely insane. I only ever experienced that after psychotic breakdowns. That day was pretty insane. So I wanted to add some pesssimistic (or realistic?) remarks to counter the narrative these changes could fix the mess that I am in.
I know it could have been so much worse. Though my sick mind prefers to torture me for that grade instead of being thankful for this mild outcome.
There happened a lot of things though I don't want to elaborate on all of them. The day also started horrenous but it could have been so much worse. It was a weird mix of emotions today. I developed verbal diarrhea and was so talkative towards so many people. I wrote texts like almost the whole fucking day. I worried so fucking much.
Yesterday evening I got the grade of the one exam that made me extremely nervous. I passed it but way way under my usual GPA. I am obsessed by performance pressure due to childhood abuse. After I finished the exam I knew it will be by far the worst grade I ever wrote at college. Though I developed extremely obsessed ruminating and worrying about it. And interestingly similarly to the incident with my crush I ended up at irrational (sometimes positive) conclusions. Like she loved me. Or that I might have had a B. I told me that a lot recently to ease my sorrows. At the same I was hellish anxious to have failed the exam. So far the grade barely changed my GPA because I wrote a lot of other exams already. A part of me was really really relieved. The other part was disappointed and angry. I could have performed so much better. I don't really know why this semester was such a total disaster. I was a complete wreck at the exam despite the fact I took one whole benzo the day prior and at the same day prior to the exam which is completely insane. For the fact that I was a complete mess that day I can be somewhat glad that I passed it. Honestly I think having failed that exam could have ended my time at college. There were so many horror scenarios. There were so many constellations which would have fully broken me. I would have been in big big trouble. I was insanely anxious when I wrote the exam. Despite the fact I took so fucking much benzos. If I had to repeat the exam this could have triggered a psychosis. Moreover I could not relax during the holidays. If you fail an exam two times you are out usually. I could have never stomached that pressure. I am pretty sure about that. So I kind of escaped a catastrophe for the moment. Holy shit.
I am still torturing me for that bad grade. I hate myself. But another part of me says well you passed it it could have been SO MUCH WORSE. I tried to analyze why this semester was such a hellhole. I thought a lot about it. Furthermore I was sort of paralyzed during the time I did not know my grade. I procrastinated important decisions which was irrational. I usually don't tend to procrastination. But I could not do anything productive without knowing the exam result. I cried several times also in public. Not today but recently. There were 3 main issues this semester. The schedule completely fucked my brain. The next schedule looks way better. I fucking hated the courses that I had to do. Today I analyzed which next courses I could take. I think I have come to a good conclusion. I wanted to take a course that many people call easy. Though I fucking despise the content. The content is important though personally I just get very depressed and sad when I have to deal with it. I will take another course which is harder though the topic is way more interesting for me. The last point. My unfulfiled love life. I have a strong desire for a partner. Though I don't have any solution for that. My psychotic brain ruins everything very early on. This semester I had love delusions like for several months. I think this took extremely much energy. I think maybe this is why I was such a wreck. And the schedule fueled that even more. I have found a strategy to dodge the girl I have love delusions with. And I think there is a high chance it will work. Maybe I will see her still sometimes but way less. However finding a partner still sounds totally utopian. I don't have a solution for the love problem in general.
So the whole thing sounds somewhat optimistic. The irony about this is. Nothing of this matters. I am pretty sure I cannot work. I am too much of a neurotic wreck. I just keep the act on to calm and please my family. When my mom dies I am out of here. It is just insane. I am so fucking dysfunctional. I spend so fucking much energy to keep the shit somewhat together. When I compare myself with others I am a complete joke. Other people have a career and fulfiling love life and I almost break doing a part-time college degree, with barely houshold chores and taking additcitve medication to cope with the stress. I am so fucking ill.
I try to take a deep breath and relax. The day today was pretty much hellish. And I wonder what would have happened if I failed this exam. One therapist of mine had the concern I might could develop a psychosis in such a case. I replied that seems kind of unlikely. But after experencing this day I am not sure anymore. Still I think psychotic symptoms are rather unlikely. Rather an extreme major depressive breakdown, crying the whole day, with impulses to kill myself, actually planning suicide. I think this would have been likelier. Though still not very pleasant.
Holy shit the day was totally insane.
To add one thing. I have a theory on something but I am not certain. Even by my strategy to counter the decline of my mental health I am not sure how promising all the measures are. I have the feeling my subconsciousness wants to break free from that corset (I think you don't use such a metophor on English.) that studying means for me. I mean by that having a lot of duties, pressuring me, always worrying. I have the feeling especially during the last two semesters my mental health declined completely. I had to take so much more addictive medication. Even my insanely liberal psychiatrist was concerned about addiction - but she will have forgotten that the next time we meet. Two threats are my mental decline and maybe addiction. Though by far the biggest threat for my college degree is the following. My psychiatrist retires soon. And I think barely any other psychiatrist would support me in this insane kamikaze strategy with addictive medication. They are essential for me to work. But I think so far I could dodge addiction. I am wiling to keep on gambling because there is simply none alternative. I tried so fucking much (people often don't believe that when I am saying that but it is the truth). I only demanded a new subscription when I had none of them anymore to protect me from abusing them. But I have to change that. As long as I see her I have the time to collect some of them. I really doubt any psychiatrist would support me. I want to convince her to helping me to persuade another psychiatrist to support this strategy. Well the last appointment I might have been a little bit too explicit and told her which hell broke lose during this semester. The crashing from psychotic and manic thought into depression was purely insane. I only ever experienced that after psychotic breakdowns. That day was pretty insane. So I wanted to add some pesssimistic (or realistic?) remarks to counter the narrative these changes could fix the mess that I am in.
I know it could have been so much worse. Though my sick mind prefers to torture me for that grade instead of being thankful for this mild outcome.
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