Discussion Hope

[Mx_Pathetic]

I don't even know what I want to say, I just know I wanted to make a thread.
Ever since I told my bff that I plan on ctb this year, things have been weird in my brain. I want to say numb or even relaxed at certain times, other times I feel sick and my heart beats fast. I think part of me is disgusted in myself that I would put people that care about me through so much pain and suffering just to end mine. I know she doesn't completely "accept" my decision or at all, however she made me feel like I could leave this place with a clear mindset. Knowing I tried MY hardest, that I put as much effort into trying to get better, not just for myself but for others too. I hope when I do go, that they don't see me taking my life as a horrible and tragic thing. That they're happy that I pushed through so many years and made it that far to begin with. I know that's probably asking for alot, aspecially considering. I really do hope when my family or friends think of me, that they think of how hard I tried and strong I was. I hope they're proud of me..i can't wait.

 

[Redacted24]

I'm really glad that your friend listened and accepted your position, maybe without acceptance of it. That's a real friend, especially if they didn't overreact.
I think it would be really hard for most people who don't/ can't comprehend the daily challenges we face every single day to understand what an effort we put into just "being." I imagine they'll be proud of the who that we were, and they'll be glad for our time together.
Beyond that, though, I think it would be the rare gem of a person with the insight and perspective to truly appreciate what kind of strength it takes to deal with life as it is for us.
Not sure that helps, just a thought.

 

[SecretDissociation]

I get that numb almost relaxed feeling. Sometimes when all I've thought about is death all day, I get super relaxed, like after an adrenaline rush. When I planned an attempt, at the beginning my heart would race then I became calmer, more accepting. You titled the thread hope and I can see that you have strong hope that you will get the peace that you deserve along with the thoughts that you were a strong person who sought recovery. Perhaps with your hope you can write these things down and communicate it with them until the date of your decision arrives. Much Love.