Venting Hope is still very much lost.

[onceremoved126]

I've hit rock bottom, again.

To preface this, I want to say this. Moving countries was the WORST thing that could've ever happened to me. Even If I moved from a 3rd world country, to basically one of the best ones to live in. I hate my life here.

I've been living outside of my home country for almost 5 years. I finished highschool here. That's not an issue in it of itself. The issue comes with my adult life. I am now 20 years old, still living with my parents (who physically and psychologically abused me for a while, and to this day, they refuse to acknowledge it) with no job, and on their second year of dropping out. Only 1 friend irl that I'm not close to at all, and 1 online friend, who has his own issues. No partner or prospects. No hobbies other than mindlessly spending money on a 3d gacha game. No therapy available for my bpd. Every therapist rather retire than try and give therapy to an autistic inmigrant who doesn't speak their language. I currently suspect that I might have some form of depression (I'm guessing it's dysthymia, again).

I honestly wish I could say that I want to kill myself, but even comitting is WAY to big of a hassle. I just want to die. I have lost everything. I am a selfish piece of shit, who can't seem to understand that my life is a burden for everyone around me. I am a complete faliure. I'm certain that if I try to kill myself, I'll fucking survive because I'm that much of a faliure. I hate myself. I want to get myself out of my body just so I can properly (and literally) kill myself.

My heart and my soul are filled with hate and anger. I hate everyone and everything that is not my two friends, my dog and my material possessions.
I cannot live a normal life in this fucking god forsaken hell hole that I live in. I hate everything. I want to leave. I want to do what I want. I want to become a writer. I want to get a lobotomy, I want to forget that I ever existed. I want to die. I can't take myself, I fucking hate myself.

I am done, I am done with my life, all I do is suffer. No one needs me, I am useless to everyone. I feel like my brain is rotting, I feel like my brain is fried from everything I've been through. Everyone hates me and I hate everyone. I just can't seem to catch a break. I want to kill myself, but I just can't.

I just... I just wish that I could just die in my sleep tonight. I just want for my brain to stop working, for my heart to stop beating. I want to wake up in my happy place from the nightmare that is my life.

I just want everything to stop.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand why you'd just wish to be free from all the suffering, to have the option to never wake truly would be such a relief to me.

 

[onceremoved126]

I've hit rock bottom, again.

To preface this, I want to say this. Moving countries was the WORST thing that could've ever happened to me. Even If I moved from a 3rd world country, to basically one of the best ones to live in. I hate my life here.

I've been living outside of my home country for almost 5 years. I finished highschool here. That's not an issue in it of itself. The issue comes with my adult life. I am now 20 years old, still living with my parents (who physically and psychologically abused me for a while, and to this day, they refuse to acknowledge it) with no job, and on their second year of dropping out. Only 1 friend irl that I'm not close to at all, and 1 online friend, who has his own issues. No partner or prospects. No hobbies other than mindlessly spending money on a 3d gacha game. No therapy available for my bpd. Every therapist rather retire than try and give therapy to an autistic inmigrant who doesn't speak their language. I currently suspect that I might have some form of depression (I'm guessing it's dysthymia, again).

I honestly wish I could say that I want to kill myself, but even comitting is WAY to big of a hassle. I just want to die. I have lost everything. I am a selfish piece of shit, who can't seem to understand that my life is a burden for everyone around me. I am a complete faliure. I'm certain that if I try to kill myself, I'll fucking survive because I'm that much of a faliure. I hate myself. I want to get myself out of my body just so I can properly (and literally) kill myself.

My heart and my soul are filled with hate and anger. I hate everyone and everything that is not my two friends, my dog and my material possessions.
I cannot live a normal life in this fucking god forsaken hell hole that I live in. I hate everything. I want to leave. I want to do what I want. I want to become a writer. I want to get a lobotomy, I want to forget that I ever existed. I want to die. I can't take myself, I fucking hate myself.

I am done, I am done with my life, all I do is suffer. No one needs me, I am useless to everyone. I feel like my brain is rotting, I feel like my brain is fried from everything I've been through. Everyone hates me and I hate everyone. I just can't seem to catch a break. I want to kill myself, but I just can't.

I just... I just wish that I could just die in my sleep tonight. I just want for my brain to stop working, for my heart to stop beating. I want to wake up in my happy place from the nightmare that is my life.

I just want everything to stop.

I want to vent again, but I feel like opening another thread is not necessary. I'll do it here instead.

Today in the early morning, my best friend vented to me about some of the issues he has. I'm obviously not going to share all of it here. There are some things that he said that stuck with me. He told me that he's burdened by the expectations that his family and I have of him, and that everything would be easier if he could hate us. He said that he doesn't, and he told me like 3/4 times that he loves me and his family regardless. He said that he's not going to be available for a while, and that he's sorry he can't do much to help me.

I don't know if I'm being selfish, but I feel like my heart is broken. I opened up to him about the fact that I've hit rock bottom, and that being with him was the only thing that kept me going. I even said it to him again, in the hopes that we might reach a compromise, but he just told me that that wasn't a good time to be saying those things. I decided to stop bothering him, and give him his space.

But what about me?

why can he get the space to recover from an episode, while I rot away in my room thinking I'm a parasyte and a burden in his life? Why couldn't we agree on at least a day?

He can see his family, spend time with them because they live with him. With me, he can just turn off his computer and pretend I don't exist anymore. He's my friend, and I love him. I understand and respect the fact that he needs space, but what about me?

I want to die. I want to dissappear because I know that I am a burden to him. If I died, he would just have to worry about his family. I am a burden to him, as I am to everyone else in this world. I want to get far away from him so I don't hurt him anymore. I love him, and it pains me that I cause those feelings in him.

I can't leave him, so he has to leave me.

I just can't take it anymore, I want to die.

 

[onceremoved126]

At this point, I'm going to use this thread to vent instead of opening like 20 threads.

I'm, against my wishes, still alive. Haven't tried to ctb yet, and don't know when I will.

I think my best friend is finally figuring me out. I think he knows that I'm a burden. I think he doesn't want to listen to my problems anymore.

Today, my mom told me something that made me spiral. Basically, she told me that she was feeling lonely and that she missed having a daughter. I thought to myself, "Well, you should've thought that before you told me multiple times that if I didn't kill myself, you would either kill me yourself, or you would kill yourself."

Anyways, when that happened, I told my friend about it, and just waited for his reply. He only replied to an unrelated message and started to talk about his issues. I really wanted him to read what I wrote, but he didn't. I don't know if it bothered him, or he just didn't notice it, but that made me spiral again. I started to think again that I was being a burden to him. I thought that he just didn't have the heart to tell me that he didn't care. I went all crazy on him, deleted all of the messages that I sent where I vented, and started to apologize. I think he got mad at me for that because he didn't ask if I was ok. He just asked me why was I sending messages and deleting them almost immediately and used the " ._. " Face before going offline. I told him that I was sorry, that I wasn't feeling alright, and that I was sorry for bothering him. I told him that I love him and that if he wanted to keep telling me his issues that I would read them.

I know he's at his job, and that he's not going to be able to read everything instantly, buy I would've liked for him to tell me that he'll read it later or something.

I feel like I'm losing him. I feel like he's uninterested in reading my issues or knowing about them. I feel like I brought this upon myself and that everything is my own fault.

At the time of writing this, I also asked him if he felt comfortable with me telling him my issues. I just want to know, and if he's not comfortable with that, I won't judge him. I'll just vent here instead.

I really do love him. He's a great person and a great friend, and it would kill me to realize that I'm hurting him.

 

[onceremoved126]

At this point, I'm going to use this thread to vent instead of opening like 20 threads.

I'm, against my wishes, still alive. Haven't tried to ctb yet, and don't know when I will.

I think my best friend is finally figuring me out. I think he knows that I'm a burden. I think he doesn't want to listen to my problems anymore.

Today, my mom told me something that made me spiral. Basically, she told me that she was feeling lonely and that she missed having a daughter. I thought to myself, "Well, you should've thought that before you told me multiple times that if I didn't kill myself, you would either kill me yourself, or you would kill yourself."

Anyways, when that happened, I told my friend about it, and just waited for his reply. He only replied to an unrelated message and started to talk about his issues. I really wanted him to read what I wrote, but he didn't. I don't know if it bothered him, or he just didn't notice it, but that made me spiral again. I started to think again that I was being a burden to him. I thought that he just didn't have the heart to tell me that he didn't care. I went all crazy on him, deleted all of the messages that I sent where I vented, and started to apologize. I think he got mad at me for that because he didn't ask if I was ok. He just asked me why was I sending messages and deleting them almost immediately and used the " ._. " Face before going offline. I told him that I was sorry, that I wasn't feeling alright, and that I was sorry for bothering him. I told him that I love him and that if he wanted to keep telling me his issues that I would read them.

I know he's at his job, and that he's not going to be able to read everything instantly, buy I would've liked for him to tell me that he'll read it later or something.

I feel like I'm losing him. I feel like he's uninterested in reading my issues or knowing about them. I feel like I brought this upon myself and that everything is my own fault.

At the time of writing this, I also asked him if he felt comfortable with me telling him my issues. I just want to know, and if he's not comfortable with that, I won't judge him. I'll just vent here instead.

I really do love him. He's a great person and a great friend, and it would kill me to realize that I'm hurting him.

I am a selfish monster who deserves only the worst. I really should just leave him alone. He'd be so much happier if I just died. I know that even if he tells me that it doesn't bother him, it does. I just want to be someone good for him, and I can't even do that.
I want to die, I want to kill myself because I know that that is the only way that he'll (or really, anyone in my life) be happy. If I died, he would never have to worry about me anymore. He would never have to be friends with a faliure like me. I hate myself, I really just want to die. All I do is add more problems to his life, and I can't even help solve any of them. I'm just a parasite in his life, and I really hate myself for that. I just want to be someone to him, I want to be someone who makes him happy. But I know I'll never will. I'm a failure. I'm a horrible friend, I'm a horrible person. I deserve to die and never be remembered. I just want this to be over. All I can do now is sleep and wait until my brain shuts down by itself, and I can finally be at peace.

 

[onceremoved126]

I asked my friend if we could have a little chat about what's going on with me. I wrote him something yesterday, but I made the mistake of telling him that he didn't need to read it if he didn't. He only heart reacted to me, saying that I thanked him for being a good friend, and apologized for being too much.

That at first didn't bother me, but then it sent me into another spiral, and I had to call it a night. Otherwise, I might've gone crazy again.

Ever since he told me that it would be easier to hate me and that he was burdened by what I expected of him, I've felt like a burden to him. I've felt like it would be better if I just killed myself. That way, I would stop bothering him.

But I know that is not true. I know that if I died, he'd be devastated. I know that he loves me and that what he's going through is really hard for him. I love him, I truly love him. He's a great man who has been treated horribly by life, and he's doing what he can to make it better. Even if he stops loving me, I'll never stop loving him. I love him for what he is, not for what I want him to be. I want to help him, and I know it is hard for me to do so with what I have, but I still want to help him.

I just want to talk to him, I just want to tell him that I really mean no harm and that I miss him. I want to tell him that I want to help him in any way I can. I really hope he accepts because I really want things to be cool with each other. I want to be there for him, no matter what.

That's it for now, I might update later.

 

[onceremoved126]

I asked my friend if we could have a little chat about what's going on with me. I wrote him something yesterday, but I made the mistake of telling him that he didn't need to read it if he didn't. He only heart reacted to me, saying that I thanked him for being a good friend, and apologized for being too much.

That at first didn't bother me, but then it sent me into another spiral, and I had to call it a night. Otherwise, I might've gone crazy again.

Ever since he told me that it would be easier to hate me and that he was burdened by what I expected of him, I've felt like a burden to him. I've felt like it would be better if I just killed myself. That way, I would stop bothering him.

But I know that is not true. I know that if I died, he'd be devastated. I know that he loves me and that what he's going through is really hard for him. I love him, I truly love him. He's a great man who has been treated horribly by life, and he's doing what he can to make it better. Even if he stops loving me, I'll never stop loving him. I love him for what he is, not for what I want him to be. I want to help him, and I know it is hard for me to do so with what I have, but I still want to help him.

I just want to talk to him, I just want to tell him that I really mean no harm and that I miss him. I want to tell him that I want to help him in any way I can. I really hope he accepts because I really want things to be cool with each other. I want to be there for him, no matter what.

That's it for now, I might update later.

Turns out I am a nuisance. Turns out he wants to take a break from me.

I don't know what to say. I want to understand, but I just can't. Why do I have to listen to him constantly about his issues, and then apologize for trying to reach out and help? Why do I have to apologize for having feelings? Why do I have to apologize for everything? Why is it always my fault?

When he tells me that he loves me, I don't believe him anymore. He loves his family, but he doesn't love me. You don't do that to people you love. He says that doing things with me distracts him from doing things that will help his family. That he can't give me the time that I want. All I wanted was to talk. All I want is for him to find even if a little balance. I'm not asking him to pay attention to me and only to me. I just wanted to clarify some things and reach an agreement with him.

I don't want to be a pushover, but I also don't want to be a selfish asshole. I don't know what to do. I really don't. I love him. I really really love him. I don't want him to suffer, I want to be there for him.
Sometimes I think that if I didn't love him I would be the perfect friend. I don't care about people that I don't love, I don't try to go the extra mile for them, I only listen, like if I were listening to a storytime video or some shit. I don't care for people that I don't love, I don't seek them.

I hate loving people. It makes me vulnerable. It makes me feel tons of emotions that are too much for me.

I hate myself. I'm an awful human being.

I sometimes hate him, too. I sometimes hate him because of the way that he makes me feel, and then I feel horrible for hating him. I sometimes hate him because he can't seem to understand that I'm being really nice to him because I love him. I hate it when people treat me like a nuisance, I hate it when people treat me like I'm not important. I hate it so much, and I am still put up with it because I know that the issues that my friend has are completely out of my control. I still put up with it because I love him.

But I know he doesn't love me anymore. Loving me is hard. Hating me is easy.

I know that my dying is the only solution to both our issues. I truly believe that he hates me. I really should just kill myself and do something good with my life for once.

He told me that we'll be speaking on Tuesday next week. I just want to go through what I am feeling, to tell him that I still need his friendship, and that I will not be giving up on him. I just want things to be ok between us. I love him, despite everything, I truly love him. I want him to get better, I love him.

I know that this website is more for discussing suicide than my stupid ass vents and whatnot. I feel like, ever since I got to know about this place, I've had a place to vent about what I am feeling, and it helps me more than therapy would at this point. I really thank the admins for not kicking my ass out of this website. I don't know if I'll commit or not. I just know that if he decides that he truly hates me, I'll just end it. I know that no one will put up with me the way that he has done. No one has ever done it, and no one will do it. He's really all I've got, and I don't want to lose him or confess that to him. I don't want to put that pressure on him. I just want him to be ok, I want to be a good friend to him.

 

[Kit1]

Hey, I am so sorry that you are experiencing so much pain and clearly you care a great deal about this friend. It might be easier to give him some space for him to resolve his own challenges before trying to talk to him.

This is a safe space to vent and if that helps, go for it.

 

[onceremoved126]

Hey, I am so sorry that you are experiencing so much pain and clearly you care a great deal about this friend. It might be easier to give him some space for him to resolve his own challenges before trying to talk to him.

This is a safe space to vent and if that helps, go for it.

I will give him space. The thing is that, his issues are due to the current economical and political climate of the country he lives in. I really don't see myself not reaching out to him in the next 4+ years or so. I really don't want to be a nuisance for him, but I still want to be friends. I really hope things go on well on Tuesday. If I have to repress my feelings and only be ok around him, I'll do it. I really want to help him.
I wonder if I deserve him... if I deserve anything at all.

What have I done to deserve anything that I have? The answer is nothing.

I don't deserve what I have.

I don't deserve anything, I've done nothing to obtain those things. Even the things that I bought with the money that I earned at my job I don't deserve them.

I am not a good person. I'm not even a mediocre person.

I am a faliure. I am a lazy, ugly, stupid piece of shit who can't understand that her life is worth nothing. My life will never ammount to anything, ever.

My brain is so fried from being constantly pushed to the limit that it feels that I no longer have one. I am barely a human being anymore. I only lie in bed, distracting myself from my thoughts until I fall asleep. I no longer eat well, I no longer take care of my hygiene, I no longer have hobbies, and I no longer go outside. I barely get out of my bed, I barely have any meaningful relationships. My head hurts constantly, I constantly take melatonin pills just so I can fall asleep and forget that my life exists. I dropped out from college again, and I can't seem to get in the one that I actually want.

And even if I do, my writing is mediocre. I can't even do that well, and that's what I want to do with my life.

Women don't like people like me. Women don't like miserable, mentally ill, needy pieces of shit like me. I don't deserve love.

The only thing that I truly deserve is to die.

 

[onceremoved126]

I'm really weighting out my options here. I really think that on Tuesday he's going to tell me he doesn't want to be friends anymore, because he'll realize that everything is better without me.

I'm already prepared to beg him to stay, I really don't want him to leave me. He's all I have. My only other friend is already making a life of her own. I hate my parents, so I don't want to be around them. The family dog doesn't want to spend time with me unless my parents aren't home.

I have no friends here, I have no one. I only have him. I don't want him to leave me, too. I really love him, I love being his friend. I love him so much it hurts. I wish I could tell him that. I wish I could teleport myself to where he is and just be there with him.

I hate this, I hate this so much. I hate myself so much that I want to kill myself. I always lose everything that is important to me because I am a piece of shit.

I'll tell him that he doesn't have to worry about me. I'll tell him that I found somewhere else to vent my issues. I'll tell him that I'm trying to meet new people and getting a job just so he'll stop seeing me as a burden.

He promised me that he wouldn't leave me, and I promised him the same. I wish I was made of money just so I can help him with that part. I wish I could just help him with everything. I fucking hate this. I love him so much it pains me to see him losing himself in this. It pains me to see him stressed all the time, it pains me to see that he thinks he can't enjoy things anymore. It pains me to know that no one can truly do anything to help him. I hate everything so much. He doesn't deserve this. He's a good man with a kind heart filled with love and empathy. I don't want him to leave me. I really want to help him, I want to be there for him, ever if he can't be there for me. I really don't care, I rather see him happy than being happy myself.

Why is the world so cruel with good people?

I've never been able to feel empathy, yet I truly feel awful seeing that he's gone (and is going) through so much, so much that he doesn't deserve.

I really don't know what to do.

 

[onceremoved126]

It's been hard to stay away from him these past days. Tomorrow we'll talk, and I really don't know what to expect.

I really don't want him to leave me, I don't want us to stop being friends. His friendship is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I am willing to do anything to stay friends with him.

I really don't know why he thinks that he can't give me the time that I want. Yes, I like spending time with him, but if he can't, then I really don't mind. Every time I text him random stuff, I do it because I like texting him my random thoughts, and I really don't expect him to read them at all. The only times that I text him to get his attention are the ones when I'm worried about him, I text him because I want to know if he's ok, not because I want him to give me attention. I understand that he doesn't have much time, and I don't pressure him. When I want to get together with him, I just ask him when and at what time he's available just so I can fix my schedule.

I think I'm going to tell him some of the things that I wrote here tomorrow. (Not all of them, of course).

We were also making a small project together, and I plan to tell him that I'll pay him in small chunks (cause I really don't have that much money and I don't have a job) for his work. I've been thinking, and if I help him money wise, then maybe he'll be a little bit more at peace with that.

I really don't know what to do. I really want to keep his friendship, and I want him to understand that I'm not as needy as he thinks I am. I mean, I am an only child who was mostly bullied all my life and didn't have a lot of social interaction due to, well, my parents' "whacky" punishments for being groomed online. I really know how to keep myself busy and entertained. I want him to know that I'll be there for him, no matter the situation. I really want him to know that every time I tell him that I love him, I mean it. I love him for what he is, and I'll love him no matter what.

I really love him, and I want to be there for him.

 

[onceremoved126]

I wonder if he misses me. I wonder if he also wants this day to end so we can speak tomorrow. I wonder if he loves being friends with me. I wonder if he thinks of me. I wonder if he's happy being friends. I wonder if tomorrow he'll say that he still wants to be friends.

I really love him. I really adore the fact that we're friends. I love him. He's so kind and understanding. He says that what he's doing is basic human empathy, but people aren't like that. Most people are cruel. He's really a wonderful man.

As I said yesterday, I really hate that he's going through all of this and can't allow himself to feel. I really love him, and it pains me to see him in this state. I really wish I could do something to help him get better.

I really want to tell him that I missed him, but I know I can't, I know he'll get overwhelmed by that. I really want to tell him that I love him and that I'll be there for him no matter what. He's there for his family. He deserves to have someone be there for him. I love him so much.

I wish my parents weren't there most of the time, I wish my mom never told me that she misses me. Thanks to that, I jeopardized my friendship with my best friend.

I know we're just online friends, but I've never felt a connection like I do with him. I don't want him to think of me as just an internet person. I want him to think of me as a friend who just so happens to be online. I really love him, and I know he loves me too.

I really hope this day will go by fast so we can speak tomorrow, and I can tell him how much I love and appreciate him.

 

[onceremoved126]

I'm afraid. I am terrified. I think I am truly losing my mind. I am so scared he'll decide he doesn't wanna be my friend anymore. There's still a lot of time left for tomorrow, and even more for a time for us to sit down and talk.

I tried to get high to calm myself down, but it only lasted for a little. I want time to go fast so I can text him. I want to sleep but I can't, I want to do other stuff but I can't. I miss him, I love him, I wish the fucking clock would strike midnight so I can finally ask him how is he.

I keep reading the last text he sent me. "I love you" it says. I told him that I love him too. I really hope we can still be friends. I don't want to pester him, I just want to know how he feels. I want to tell him that I can finally help him in a way that is meaningful. I want to tell him that I love him. I want to show him that I'm not just some random person, I want to show him that our friendship should not be a burden, that he deserves someone that will care about him. I love him, I really, really, really love him. No one in this world truly knows the extent to how much I love him and how much I care for him. He's shown me that people can be good, committed, and selfless, I want to make him as happy as he has made me since we became friends. I love him. I love him so much. I want to be there for him, I don't want to let him down anymore. I love him. I care about him, I love him.

I'll patiently wait untill the clock strikes midnight. I really hope we can still be friends.

No, we WILL be friends. I will not think negatively about this one.

 

[onceremoved126]

Well now I feel like a fucking dumbass.

Turns out he can't speak today, but we did text about everything and, well...

He did miss me, he said that that time off was good for him, but he missed me. He's got a more positive outlook on life at the moment, but who knows how long it'll last (his words, not mine).

I really love him, and I'm glad he's feeling better now.

This is my last vent/update on the situation. I shall return once I feel like dicks and ass again. See you all soon.

 

[onceremoved126]

What the fuck is wrong with me? Why the fuck do I get all jittery and shit when I see he's online and doesn't answer me? What the fuck is wrong with me? I just want to be normal about him and about our friendship. Why the fuck am I like this?
I really think I should fuck up mi sleep schedule so I'm active for the same ammount of hours that he's active. I don't know, I really wish we lived in the same timezone so I wouldn't get up and go to bed before him.

 

[onceremoved126]

What if his "good outlook on life" had already run out. I don't know, I'm starting to feel kinda... bad. In the sense that I'm getting stressed out of nowhere. It's kinda stupid to think about it, but it's like our "bad feelings" episodes are synced.

I'm really worried for him, but maybe I'm just overreacting. We agreed to meet about 2 and a half hours ago, but he's not online yet. My messages are getting delivered, so I know at least his phone is on. I've been sending him some messages in the span of those 2 and a half hours, and all have been delivered, but none read (I think he deactivated last time, read, and whatnot). His other socials say that his last time online was like... 5 hours ago.

I'm worried. I'm worried something happened to him, and he's feeling awful again. I can't help but think I should be a little more... persistent. I don't want to call him because he hasn't given me permission to call him out of the blue.

Maybe he just fell asleep or is busy with something else rn. I might have to tell him that if we agree on a time and he can't be... well... on time, that he should give me a heads up, especially bc he now has a mean to do so. I don't want to seem controlling or anything. I just really want to know if he's ok. When he goes away for a long time and doesn't answer, I start to worry about him. Again, I don't want him to think that he owes me his time. If he can't get together, I really don't mind. I just get worried for him. I really hope he's ok. It's almost been 3 hours since the time we agreed to meet, and 6 since I last saw him.

I wish I could fall asleep rn to wait for him, but I'm too stressed I can't really do anything other than stare at the clock and my phone, waiting for his return.

 

[onceremoved126]

I'm goint to stray a little bit from, well, my regular "bestie venting" just to vent about... well... my own life.

I'll try to be more objective rather than pessimistic.

Sometimes I think I got unlucky by being raised in a shitty environment. Everyone I know has plans of what they want to do, most of them have already realized them.

I don't know what I want to do. I wanted to write, because I think I'm the best writer that I've ever read (lol). Other than that, I don't really have any other thing that I want to do. I like writing ff as, well, a hobbie. I don't see myself wrting professionally, even though that's what I want to do. I just don't see myself doing anything.

I wanted also to find a kinda wealthy older woman (in her mid 30's-early 40's) that I would treat me well enough for me to become attached to, and get married to. I want this mainly because I just like women that are older than me, but also because I want to be with someone that will provide things that I can't due to my career choices. This, unfortunately, is highly unlikely, given that a mature woman wouldn't like someone like me.

I really want to find a reason to live. I really want to find something different than whatever I've been having for this past 20 years. I don't want to keep living, because I've never lived in the first place. I want to start living.

Maybe this is why it is so easy for me to just go to suicide ideation for every little thing. I never lived, so If I stopped being alive, What difference would it really make?

I am an atheist, so I don't believe that there's anything after we die. The idea of nothingness actually makes me not scared of death. It relieves me.

I might continue this later, I ran out of things to say.

 

[onceremoved126]

Returning to the usual. Right now, I am currently very afraid. Today's my best friend's birthday. Yesterday, he was in an awful mental state. He told me something that left me afraid, and I really want to talk to him again, even if it's just for a moment. I won't discuss much because I don't feel like writing about his issues bc they're not my own. It's something personal to him that I myself shouldn't be discussing. I just wanted to vent here about how worried I am. Right now I feel like it's not the time yo take it easy, but I know that I shouldn't be too much. I just want to talk to him. I want to ask him how he's doing. I just want to speak to him, to see that he's alright. I really love him. I'm worried about him. I really hope everything is going well for him, I really hope he's having a nice birthday, and I hope I can celebrate even if just a little of it with him.

 

[onceremoved126]

I am a piece of shit and an awful friend. I really should just kill myself because no one will ever love me. No one. No one loves a selfish and possessive piece of shit like me. He's all I have... and I hurt him. I'm awful, I do not deserve to live. I hate myself, I should kill myself, so I stop hurting him. I should hurt myself instead of hurting him. I hate myself, I hate myself so much. I want to die. I want to kill myself. I am a piece of shit that deserves nothing. He doesn't deserve someone as shitty as me. I hate myself. This is the reason why I'm alone, my fucking brain makes me act this way. I should just isolate myself so people don't have to be around me anymore. I am a piece of shit, I hate myself so fucking much. I want to die. I need to kill myself, I need to hurt myself, I need to feel what I did to him. I need to die, I do not deserve him. I don't deserve anyone, I need to die. I want to die. I am a piece of shit. He doesn't deserve this. I hate myself. I should kill myself, I should hurt myself instead of hurting him. I hate myself, I want to kill myself. I deserve to die, I deserve to be hurt. He doesn't deserve this. I do. All I do is break up my relationships because I am a possessive and an insane piece of shit. I'm the worst. I should just kill myself. I know that he now hates me. I brought this uppon myself. I hate myself, I want to kill myself, I want to die. I need to die, i need to die I need to die I need to die I need to die I can't take it anymore I hurt him and now he probably hates me I hate myself I want to kill myself why did I do this I hate myself I hurt him I will never forgive myself for doing this to him I want to die I need to die I have to hurt myself I can't believe I did this to him I hate myself I want to kill myself I need to die I deserve to die I need him to kill me I want to die my head hurts a lot I want to die please I need to die I hate myself I need to die please I need to die I hate myself please someone please kill me please I can't take this anymore please I hate myself I hurt him please someone kill me please I want to die please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please i want to die please i want to die i don't deserve him I'm so sorry i need do die please please please please please please i need to die please please

 

[Sid19]

At this point, I'm going to use this thread to vent instead of opening like 20 threads.

I'm, against my wishes, still alive. Haven't tried to ctb yet, and don't know when I will.

I think my best friend is finally figuring me out. I think he knows that I'm a burden. I think he doesn't want to listen to my problems anymore.

Today, my mom told me something that made me spiral. Basically, she told me that she was feeling lonely and that she missed having a daughter. I thought to myself, "Well, you should've thought that before you told me multiple times that if I didn't kill myself, you would either kill me yourself, or you would kill yourself."

Anyways, when that happened, I told my friend about it, and just waited for his reply. He only replied to an unrelated message and started to talk about his issues. I really wanted him to read what I wrote, but he didn't. I don't know if it bothered him, or he just didn't notice it, but that made me spiral again. I started to think again that I was being a burden to him. I thought that he just didn't have the heart to tell me that he didn't care. I went all crazy on him, deleted all of the messages that I sent where I vented, and started to apologize. I think he got mad at me for that because he didn't ask if I was ok. He just asked me why was I sending messages and deleting them almost immediately and used the " ._. " Face before going offline. I told him that I was sorry, that I wasn't feeling alright, and that I was sorry for bothering him. I told him that I love him and that if he wanted to keep telling me his issues that I would read them.

I know he's at his job, and that he's not going to be able to read everything instantly, buy I would've liked for him to tell me that he'll read it later or something.

I feel like I'm losing him. I feel like he's uninterested in reading my issues or knowing about them. I feel like I brought this upon myself and that everything is my own fault.

At the time of writing this, I also asked him if he felt comfortable with me telling him my issues. I just want to know, and if he's not comfortable with that, I won't judge him. I'll just vent here instead.

I really do love him. He's a great person and a great friend, and it would kill me to realize that I'm hurting him.

I feel worthless, I feel like a parasite to my family. I feel scared facing any kind of problem or issue head on. I have to depend on others, and I feel horrible about my family. I love few of them, but I also don't want to be with them anymore. My social anxiety, depression, panic attacks have made a mess out of me. I just can't think myself as a functional person of this society anymore. I have gathered almost everything to do ctb, but even then there are some obstacles that are coming my way. It's really hard to be here and live another day. I wish I could be left alone with a bit of financial backing. It's really hard to put everything in here. I think the people don't understand people like us at all, nor they ever will.

I feel you man! It's really a hell hole for people like us.

 

[onceremoved126]

The more I think about it, the more I realize that ctb is really the only way things are going to "get better." I am a useless 21 year old virgin who can't get a girlfriend for shit. Also, I think I might or might not have feelings for my best friend, but I know nothing will ever happen between us, and I'll end up ruining another friendship because of my mental illness. I still have no job, I still haven't started uni. I am still a complete failure. The more I think about it, the more I know that life will only get worse and worse. I have now realized that no matter what, I'll never be happy. I'll never experience romance or self fulfillment ever again in my life. So if I die alone and miserable, then it should be as soon as possible.

I know I have my best friend, and that he loves me and whatnot, but he'll eventually find a partner and leave me. Romantic love will always be over any other type of love, and I know I'll never be loved by anyone that way.

I really should die. I'm not doing anything to better anything. My existence is as usless as it is. I've never done anything good with it, and it'll never ammount to anything. I am forever cursed to being a usless and unlovable member of society. I hate myself, and I deserve to die.

 

[onceremoved126]

I want to die. Now more than ever. I've realized that I'm a nuisance and a faliure. No one will ever love me because I'm unlovable. I annoy anyone that I come in contact with. My mental illness has made me into an unlovable human being. Also, I'm not pretty enough that it makes craziness tolerable. I want to die because that is what I deserve. I can't find what I want because no one else with a sound mind wants what I want. I should kill myself. I really should kill myself. I can't take it anymore. I am a failure. I should've never been born. I should die. I am 21 years old and still behave like a motherfucking child that is upset because they didn't get a proper nap or some shit. My life is worthless.

I know that once I die, things around me will get better. Everyone that has ever had the misfortune of knowing me will be free.

I have no reason to stay alive anymore. I've never had one to begin with because I can't have good things happen to me. Everything ends up going wrong, everything because of me. I really should kill myself.

I know no one will miss me. There is nothing to miss because I'm nobody. I am nothing.

I want to rip my brain from my head and stomp on it until it stops hurting. I want my brain to stop feeling, to stop thinking.

I am my own enemy. Only I can defeat myself, and the only way to do it is if I kill myself. I'm never going to be happy. I'm too mentally ill for me to live a normal life. I drive everyone away from me because of my illness. People think I'm weird and crazy, and I don't blame them because I am. I have never been normal, and I'll never will.

I really should just end it all. That's the first time I'll do something good with my life.

 

[onceremoved126]

It's been a while.
I just wanted to come back and vent more. I don't know what to say at the moment. I feel awful because I made my best friend feel awful yet again.
I don't know what to say at the moment. We've both had awful weeks, and all culminated in this.
I don't know why I am so jealous of him getting a partner. I don't want him as one, but for some reason, I don't want him to get one. I don't mind him having friends, I really don't.

He has to leave me. He has to learn that I'm no good for him, and he has to leave me. I don't want him to leave me, and I don't want to leave, but I know that leaving me is the only way he'll be happy. I've tried to tell him that, but he stays. I don't want him to be with awful people, and that includes me.

I just want to get a girlfriend so I can obsess over her, and he can finally go and be happy. I know he'll be happy without me. I love him, and I know that I'm no good to him.

Sometimes I wish he would hate me, so when I inevitably take my own life, he'll be happy. I wish he would rejoice with the fact that I am constantly suffering thanks to myself. I wish that my missery would bring him happiness instead of anguish. I want nothing more than for him.to be happy.

I hate myself for not being able to bring him the happiness he deserves. I hate myself for not being enough.

I really and truly love him. I really do.
I am constantly sorry for the pain that I have caused him, and I hope.we can talk it out tomorrow. I took two melatonin pills, that will hopefully knock me out for a huge chunk of time so he feels better.

also wtf Akira Toriyama was announced dead mid vent I need a moment.

 

[wagner2029]

Which country did you live in and which country did you move to?
Are you not undergoing any treatment?

 

[onceremoved126]

Am I being selfish?
The issue on my last post started because some dude was trying to e-date my best friend without really knowing him. That got me really furious because I don't want anyone to take him away from me (sidenote, but I was wierded out by the fact that the guy said that he was in love with my best friend when they only spoke like 2 words in a groupchat, and so was he). My friend promised me that he wouldn't speak to him anymore... but I simply can't fully trust him. I really want to, but my own mental illness doesn't allow me.

They recently added eachother on social media, but I'm not sure if my friend did it out of politeness or what.

Anyways, that got me thinking that I should speak to him about this, but I don't think I can.

See... he's going through an extremely rough patch (and really, so am I) and I really fear that I would lose his friendship over this.

THAT got me thinking, I can never really speak on my issues with him without him freaking out and telling me to stop. I genuinely don't mind him venting to me, I encourage him to do so because I care about him, and that could help him in any way.

Last time I told him that I had suicidal intentions, he asked me to stop and told me that he needed a moment... he left me there, but he ensured that I was ok.

He has listened to me, but in minor things. I have returned to this website to vent because I really don't think he likes listening to my issues. Not because he hates me or anything, just because he doesn't like to see me that way.

I'm feeling extremely depressed at the moment. I can barely get out of bed, and I only could re organized my closet because it was giving me severe anxiety the way it was organized. I haven't taken a bath in like 3 weeks, and I really wish I could, but I can't bring myself to do it. I haven't eaten properly in a while. When I wake up, I cry and feel stressed because of my friend's and my own situation. I really wish my friend and I could exchange places so that he could live more peacefully than he does atm.

I really wish I could speak to him about this... and I don't know when the moment will be.

I will most certainly return. I really need to vent more.

Which country did you live in and which country did you move to?
Are you not undergoing any treatment?

I rather not reveal the first details, but it's like, vastly different cultures.

Right now I am not, and after the appointment that I had, I rather just take pills to regulate my mood than undergo therapy.

 

[onceremoved126]

I think I might start using this thread again to vent. My friend isn't feeling well, and he can't unfortunately help me with my issues right now. At this point, I'm deadly afraid that he'll leave me if I "step out of line", so I'd rather just not speak unless he speaks to me, and him being the one who suggests we should get together. I want to add that he never told me that if I fucked up he would leave me, I'm just taking my own measures based on my own fear created by my mentally ill head.

This couple of weeks my anxiety has been killing me. I haven't been able to sleep or eat properly. Not because I don't get hungry or tired, it's just that doing those things makes me feel extremely guilty.

I pretty much think therapy is out of the question, it's been a while since I had a response, and I'm starting to think I am unhelpable. I really think I should just have prescription medicine rather than therapy.

Lastly, a couple of days ago, my friend told me that he wanted to get better and move on with his life alongside me. I'm really trying, but I just don't have the strenght to do it. I've always been alone, I never had the intention of getting better. I want someone that I can isolate from the world with. Someone that feels like I do... but I don't want to leave him, and I don't want him to leave me. I want to do this for him, but it is extremely hard.

I think I'm just going to return to my home country and live there. Moving countries was the worst thing that ever happened to me. Even though I gained freedom in some aspects, I lost every bit of normalcy that I had before. I hate being here. I hate not being able to have friends, to speak my own language, to enjoy the food that I like, to get a job, to get into college... I just hate it so much.

 

[HighLowHigh]

It's really painful to live with all these horrible thoughts...

 

[onceremoved126]

I think I might start using this thread again to vent. My friend isn't feeling well, and he can't unfortunately help me with my issues right now. At this point, I'm deadly afraid that he'll leave me if I "step out of line", so I'd rather just not speak unless he speaks to me, and him being the one who suggests we should get together. I want to add that he never told me that if I fucked up he would leave me, I'm just taking my own measures based on my own fear created by my mentally ill head.

This couple of weeks my anxiety has been killing me. I haven't been able to sleep or eat properly. Not because I don't get hungry or tired, it's just that doing those things makes me feel extremely guilty.

I pretty much think therapy is out of the question, it's been a while since I had a response, and I'm starting to think I am unhelpable. I really think I should just have prescription medicine rather than therapy.

Lastly, a couple of days ago, my friend told me that he wanted to get better and move on with his life alongside me. I'm really trying, but I just don't have the strenght to do it. I've always been alone, I never had the intention of getting better. I want someone that I can isolate from the world with. Someone that feels like I do... but I don't want to leave him, and I don't want him to leave me. I want to do this for him, but it is extremely hard.

I think I'm just going to return to my home country and live there. Moving countries was the worst thing that ever happened to me. Even though I gained freedom in some aspects, I lost every bit of normalcy that I had before. I hate being here. I hate not being able to have friends, to speak my own language, to enjoy the food that I like, to get a job, to get into college... I just hate it so much.

Every day I think that maybe my friend would be happier without me. It's my fault he's feeling that way. I try not to share my feelings or vent to him because it takes a toll on him. He has never asked me to stop, but I just can't help but not to do it. I know my emotions are very overwhelming I never share them. On Tuesday, I did, and it ended on him feeling bad. I feel guilty, so much that I rather just not say anything. I rather pretend I'm okay around him so maybe he'll feel beter himself.

I wish I didn't have problems, I wish I could focus only on him. I wish I could be the perfect person for him. I have been sleeping almost al day, and I don't want to wake up, I don't want to bother him with my presence. I know he's happier without me, I don't want to tell him I'm miserable without him.

I sometimes want to go back in time and make it so he doesn't get to know me, so that he doesn't have to suffer being around me at all.
I'd also wish he instead hated me, so he'd be happy once I finally kill myself.

Even though I really don't want that. I want him to love me, I want him to stay with me forever. I love him so much, I can't bare the thought of him leaving, or replacing me. I want to make him happy instead of miserable. I need to suppress my feelings and be a better friend to him. I wish I could express to him how much I love him, but the only thing I can say without stumbling is an "I love you".

 

[onceremoved126]

I really want to end it, I want to rip every single hair of my head. I want to gouge my eyes out and rip my heart out of my chest and crush it. I don't want to see, I don't want to feel. I just want to die. Dying is the only way I'll know peace. I feel like I am rotting.

Everybody is going to leave me eventually. My friends will leave me... even my parents will leave me. I need to stop having a social life, I need to isolate myself from friends and family, I need to leave before they can leave me. I need to be alone forever.

 

[onceremoved126]

I am scared. I want to die. I want this all to end. I wish I had the courage to tell my friend about my current issues, but I know I'll bring him down if I do.
I'm going back to sleep. I wish that I never wake up.