Honestly speaking

[Emu]

Right!
I feel I have not properly introduced myself, I know I've said a few bits in posts here and there!
My story without being to in-depth or boring
I've always been suicidal and i always hated being here I thought that in all honesty I wouldn't live to 30! I had various paracetamol overdoses and indulge in things in the hope they would kill me but nope…!
Then at 26 I met my now ex civil partner we ended up married a year later even tho there was sort of happy times I was never really happy and never felt settled this person was truly a wonderful, caring ,loving understanding person, which was why she put up with me for so long! But I still engaged in self harm behaviours which resulted in 2017 driving to a well known suicide spot and taking 63 paracetamol
My liver nearly packed up and they didn't know if I'd be ok I was very upset but not at that I could of died because I wanted too really die but because my liver would've packed up and I'd be in a worse position and I'd be stuck where I couldn't do anything to CBT!
When I was discharged the dr said my liver nearly failed do it again it probably will!
Fast forward 2019 my relationship ended my fault tried to kill myself because I lost everything and by my hand it all came!
my new partner stopped me! Fast forward 2years later we broke up again my own fault..
Again I lost everything! and I'm left with this life I don't want to live again!
In august I took another overdose 55 paracetamol this time then I was violently sick and I knew I wouldn't be able to take anymore and that it was game over for that attempted so I went to hospital and again my liver nearly failed ended up admitted for 8 days 7 of which I was on NAC for 7 days solid as the normal 36hrs didn't work again I was gutted because I didn't die and that my liver could've packed up!
I thought my spark would've come back after but it didn't!
3 weeks later I went missing and was brought home!
The next day I woke up still wired and went to a Forrest with sleeping pills and 78 paracetamol I was told previously there was a magic number and all I wanted was this magic number.. so tried to get it off the professionals then all hell broke lose I was in the Forrest for about 5hrs before I was caught! The reason why didn't take them all was cos previously the dr was like arghh you can't take all them your mess your liver up!
Hence why I was like give the magic number so I could do the job properly!
But I was caught and then S2 for a couple of weeks where I was given meds!
Then I got free but I'm under the services daily stilll!!
I tired to hang myself partial in the woods but failed was caught and had to go hospital 5 days!!
Then week before last I tried to hang my self again but failed!
They reckon I have Bpd and that I have serve depression which is why I always felt like this I have just been given the bdp but have always struggled with the depression!
Now I'm just at my end I just want to die so much it hurts… it hurts so much I just want this all to be over at my time and my choosing..emotionally I'm pained my soul is pained everyday I'm here!
I've had 7years longer then I thought I'd would and it has messed up my life even more!
Which proves I should of left this life sooner not had 7 years of letting people and family know me so it makes it harder for them for when I leave them!
also to top this all off I found a place that I could use for full suspension I was up there last night chilling there, which was when I found out it's checked regularly! So I can't guarantee that I'd have at least a hour to make sure I'd properly be dead and un saveable before I'd be found!
So that has now added to my torment!
Im sorry to moan I know everyone has there troubles and struggles..
I know life should be lived but I just want mine to end!
I know if I try and fail again I'll have to go back into hospital!
Trapped by life and circumstances and it's shackles of exsistance!
Thank you for taking time to read.

 

[obliviousatbest]

That was a rollercoaster to read. I sympathise with your torment, I used to OD on paracetamol too and the hours you spend waiting for death or unconsciousness to sweep over you is literal hell, before you're even trapped on a hospital bed for a week or two with suicide watch and services invading your space. I thought the magic number was the correct mg per kg of your body weight but survival instinct stopped me from finding out for sure. I'm sorry for all your pain and hope you find the thing you need to soothe it, you deserve better than a life of trauma and regret.
Nice beachy head pic btw

 

[FuneralCry]

It really is horrible being alive. It sounds like you have been through a lot. Of course we should be able to die in peace without worrying about being 'saved', it is our life, our decision after all and nobody else has any say in it. We all deserve a peaceful exit at a time of our own choosing. Being saved is just prolonging suffering. I wish you the best, I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

 

[Emu]

That was a rollercoaster to read. I sympathise with your torment, I used to OD on paracetamol too and the hours you spend waiting for death or unconsciousness to sweep over you is literal hell, before you're even trapped on a hospital bed for a week or two with suicide watch and services invading your space. I thought the magic number was the correct mg per kg of your body weight but survival instinct stopped me from finding out for sure. I'm sorry for all your pain and hope you find the thing you need to soothe it, you deserve better than a life of trauma and regret.
Nice beachy head pic btw

Thanks for your time, yes it's been a bit of a ride, yes it is hell with the waiting of unconscious or death.. ok I'll take a look at the mg and body weight.
Thank you and I hope you find whatever it is you are looking for too and that makes us both deserving of better.
Cheers I took that one myself

It really is horrible being alive. It sounds like you have been through a lot. Of course we should be able to die in peace without worrying about being 'saved', it is our life, our decision after all and nobody else has any say in it. We all deserve a peaceful exit at a time of our own choosing. Being saved is just prolonging suffering. I wish you the best, I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

Thank you for you kind words. You are a lovely person and you speak from the heart.
I wish you also the best and hope you also find what you are looking for.