Venting honestly I don’t really want to die

[melonpan]

But, I feel like I have no other choice than to die
I enjoy life, I have hobbies albeit I suck at them. I just know that with my laziness, I'd never be able to pay back my parents in full or be a valuable enough person to continue living :( I am definitely not going to be able to move out anytime soon because I'm still unemployed. Except, I'm EXTREMELY lazy and untalented so getting a job is going to be difficult for me. Dying is scary, obviously, and while I don't think it's going to be too painful for me because I'll be jumping and hopefully gone on impact (head first is the goal) it's still scary especially when you're going alone
Not only that, I can't have any permanent plans because I need to actually make sure the buildings I choose are rooftop-accessible

I was born really privileged-- to be frank— and it makes me feel so ashamed to not use it hence I don't see any other option except to die
I'm planning for tomorrow… but, I'll probably delay it again, as usual

I'm a coward

 

[NutOrat]

You're like.. describing me, to a T. "We're not too different, you and I", and stuff. Also privileged, also suck at my hobbies, also unemployed, I even consider jumping as my go-to method :D

But yeah, I feel you. If I could exist the way I am without weighing down others, without being a burden for being useless, I wouldn't want to die, I think. Also not going through with it bc.. well bc I'm lazy and a coward. So, I'm not alone in this. High five!

 

[MyShadow]

But, I feel like I have no other choice than to die
I enjoy life, I have hobbies albeit I suck at them. I just know that with my laziness, I'd never be able to pay back my parents in full or be a valuable enough person to continue living :( I am definitely not going to be able to move out anytime soon because I'm still unemployed. Except, I'm EXTREMELY lazy and untalented so getting a job is going to be difficult for me. Dying is scary, obviously, and while I don't think it's going to be too painful for me because I'll be jumping and hopefully gone on impact (head first is the goal) it's still scary especially when you're going alone
Not only that, I can't have any permanent plans because I need to actually make sure the buildings I choose are rooftop-accessible

I was born really privileged-- to be frank— and it makes me feel so ashamed to not use it hence I don't see any other option except to die
I'm planning for tomorrow… but, I'll probably delay it again, as usual

I'm a coward

If you have resources then there is an alternative to ending your life. Maybe tap into those resources to find the root of your "laziness". Maybe you're unmotivated or it could be a symptom of depression. But if you can talk with a therapist and dig a little deeper, you can not only stay alive but perhaps discover your purpose in life.

I hope you find solutions and peace.

 

[treeckofan]

I don't think delaying your plans makes you a coward. You said you don't really want to die and that you enjoy life.

You can still use your privilege to explore other options besides dying. I encourage trying therapy and seeing a psychiatrist if you haven't already.

And by the way, feeling ashamed or shame in general is hard. Shame is something I struggle with. So you're not alone in that.

 

[Mr. Snrub]

Did someone say lazy coward?!

Reporting in.

 

[thefinalfavour]

Use your privilege and the resources you have to find a path if you wanna continue living. Do not worry about disappointing or paying back your parents. You did not choose to come into the world, u don't owe them anything. Live and create a life for yourself if you want to.

As a person who was born in a third-world country to middle class parents, I am forced to choose this path. I wish I had the resources to get help. If you have those resources at your disposal, Use them.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Are your parents pressuring you or, openly disappointed in you? Maybe it's not exactly what they hoped but then, they may prefer you as you are to having a dead child. Not to try and guilt trip you out of it. More, saying that maybe your parents would prefer frustration to bereavement. I don't know. You know them best.

Is it because you don't want to work or, feel it unlikely you'll be able to? As for paying them back, I suspect many of us are made to feel that pressure. But ultimately, I don't think people should have children as some form of investment portfolio!

It's not entirely reasonable when you think about it. They really had no certain idea whether their child would be born and grow fit enough to be able to work. Neither could they predict the job market in 18+ years time.

I personally think it's a horrible thing to expect of someone. I suppose the issue being that they accepted it.

 

[melonpan]

Are your parents pressuring you or, openly disappointed in you? Maybe it's not exactly what they hoped but then, they may prefer you as you are to having a dead child. Not to try and guilt trip you out of it. More, saying that maybe your parents would prefer frustration to bereavement. I don't know. You know them best.

Is it because you don't want to work or, feel it unlikely you'll be able to? As for paying them back, I suspect many of us are made to feel that pressure. But ultimately, I don't think people should have children as some form of investment portfolio!

It's not entirely reasonable when you think about it. They really had no certain idea whether their child would be born and grow fit enough to be able to work. Neither could they predict the job market in 18+ years time.

I personally think it's a horrible thing to expect of someone. I suppose the issue being that they accepted it.

My parents have actually never once pressured me. They just want me to try my best but, that fact alone just makes me feel as if I have nothing worth "holding expectations" for
Update
No CTB today … my dad just helped me install shelves for my room yesterday and it'd be terrible timing to die the day right after. I was very happy and I love my dad a lot
So, lets hope this extra time forces me to actually work for something

 

[Leichter Kampfwagen]

This is me 100%.

 

[Lovecraft's Lover]

If I could exist the way I am without weighing down others, without being a burden for being useless

This is me.
I am surely depressed and maybe that's why I feel like my value in life is very close to zero.
Problem is I did so many things wrong and there is no time machine in this world...

 

[caramelkidney]

i feel exactly the same way and i am so glad i found this thread. it just feels like something i have to do because i know that if i dont, ill suffer a more gruesome death later. i know there isnt a place in society for people like me. ill get thrown out eventually and left to rot. id rather let everyones hopes down now and ctb rather than have them watch my slow descent into dying on the streets.

 

[PI3.14]

I know some people in my life who were born into privilege, like wealth to be specific.

Some of them aren't "employed". They don't work for others. They used their privilege to open their own businesses instead.

If you can do that, then it's even better than working a job you don't care about.

 

[broken serenity]

Hey one thing a psych told me after my ctb try, when I was thinking of going again, "you can always plan to ctb tomorrow, or next week, or next month," this is about acceptance in our ability to choose. You can focus on you until you're sure, either way. It's been 11 years since my first attempt and I'm kinda happy I stuck around longer. I have left my parents house finally. Time takes time :)