Holding out hope, but looking at alternatives...

[avoid_slow_death]

Hi everyone. New here and while I certainly advocate the right to die, I am currently holding out for hope it won't have to come to that.

My situation is a rather complex one. Without going into great detail, (mainly because I am a VERY insular individual with almost everyone,) let me explain my situation so you better understand my purpose here.

To say my life has been hard is a laughable understatement. And honestly? I should be dead by now. Not only because of attempts at CTB in the past, but also because of the situations I have purposely put myself in throughout the years.

But...3 years ago everything changed when a friend saw that I was at the bottom and was going to "exit" soon. I had it very carefully planned out and the chances of it working were pretty damn good. So, I kept brushing her off and telling her everything was fine. She didn't buy it and persisted. After a while, I realized she genuinely cared about me, so I broke down and told her everything. She took it hard. Had to take time to cry and hurt over it, but then she came back and showed me that I did have something to live for. After I got over that dark time, we talked A LOT. Turned out we not only had more in common than we realized, but we both had secret crushes on each other for years.

Some of you might brush this off, but, after we both confessed to each other and started dating, we realized that we were each other's ideal soul mate. A rare opportunity indeed. We started making plans to be together permanently and last April we made it real. Gotta tell ya all, best God damn year of my life and she felt the same.

However, I had to move away from everyone and leave where I grew up. But it was worth it. Unfortunately, she lives with her mom who is rather controlling and domineering and although at first loved me to death, was waiting for me to fuck up just once so she could remove me and force her to go back with her ex, whom she loves, but doesn't want to be with in that way. She wants to be with me.

So, like always, I hung myself eventually, but it was because I was too focused on trying to please her mom so she would ease up off my girl and guess what? It didn't work and it afforded her an opportunity to seperate us.

Basically, I have to find another place to live in a part of the country I am alone and unfamiliar with. Meanwhile, she is forced to stay here with her mother and her ex because at the moment, she has no choice.

This is hurting her as much as me if not more. We had a huge fight about it at first and it almost split us apart right then and there. After we calmed down, though, we both agreed that we need to find a way to be back together in a physical sense but also realize it is going to take time to acheive this.

The problem here is, I am afraid the separation is going to erode our relationship because not only will she have her mother wearing her down, but her ex too. She said it will NOT happen because she simply can't just let me go completely and the time we are apart will hurt her greatly. But I know over time she might get worn down to the point where she caves in and just becomes an automaton therefore casting me and most other feelings out of her heart and honestly? That would be the last straw for me.

I have waited 45 years, (all my life,) to meet someone just like her and went through hell, literally, several times just to finally get to a point in my life where I met her and now this all might go up in smoke. So, I am here to find ways to end it, (preferably quickly, ) If it comes to it.

Thank you for listening and please, no cliches or platitudes. It wasn't easy for me to come out and say this, but, I needed to. Not a cry for help or sympathy, just a hurt and uncertain man who might loose the ONE DAMN THING he wanted all his life because certain parties want her to bend to their will. Yes, her ex was planning this behind thed scenes with her mother as well. Like I said, complicated. Thank you for listening. I appreciate it and if it comes down to it, I have alternatives...

 

[Skyview]

Interesting avatar , honey badger ! May I ask why you choose it ?
Honey badger doesn't give a shit , it knows no fear , a lion comes along and the honey badger thinks " oh , your ass is mine," and the lion runs away thinking "wtf"
Nothing fazes the honey badger , maybe , just maybe , there is a moral within this story !

 

[avoid_slow_death]

Nah, that's just how I see myself, although if you ask anyone truly close to me they would laugh and say, "Sure, he can be, but mostly he is more of an otter". And I understand what you are suggesting, but it is not so easy in this situation. Why it took me all day to work up the courage to post this. Was afraid people wouldn't really get it.

 

[Skyview]

Stop being an otter and be the honey badger , you said so yourself " can be the honey badger," what we seek in life is never handed to us on a plate and it does include death , we have to be resourceful in our chosen method . You have someone to live for and if you want to make it work you have to be resourceful. If not , then there is something else going on which you are not revealing which is fine , at the end of the day we all make decisions , I truly and respectfully hope you make the right choice .
I would add that this forum is pro choice , whatever your decision we will be here for you if you wish to vent or otherwise

 

[avoid_slow_death]

Thanks and my apologies for being defensive. Thing is, the honey badger side of me is not a good person. It starts out as more of a defense mechanism, but ultimately ends up being a destructive force. I guess the appropriate way to go about it is to balance between the two ultimately.

 

[Skyview]

Oh , no need for apologies, you have every right to vent and we do listen and try to help in whichever path you choose .
This forum is a good place to hang your hat , pull up a chair by the fire and join in the discussions .
If you can balance the two then go for it or possibly keep a smidgen of the honey badgers characteristics, just enough to get what you want and then let your softer side be dominant, she is after all your soulmate
Not going to edit the above post , instead I will continue here ; if you have ultimately made your decision then I totally respect your wishes , we have excellent posts within the resource threads and invite you to look around . Once you have 5 posts and active for 24 hrs you will have PM mode enabled . Feel free to PM me or anyone else and I promise not to mention the honey badger again . Take care