SatinSoul
all i know is i forgot how to be me.
- Feb 6, 2026
- 54
It is a very strange, jarring paradox to finally feel genuine happiness while simultaneously feeling more completely lost than I have in a very, very long time. For years, my only objective was just existing, too afraid to think even of the next day ahead. I was operating on the absolute certainty that I wouldn't have a future, so I never bothered to plan for one. Now, suddenly, my life is actually heading in the right direction. I have found things that anchor me here, things that make me genuinely happy to be alive, and I am deeply, profoundly grateful for them.
But waking up to that reality feels exactly like coming out of a ten-year coma. And worse, I am so completely terrified that this whole thing is just an illusion of happiness waiting to shatter at any second. My brain simply cannot accept that I am allowed to have this or that I actually deserve anything good in life. When I am so used to everything being a threat, holding onto something beautiful just feels like holding a ticking bomb. This can't be real. I don't deserve being even temporarily happy. The world has made sure I am aware of that all my life.
Everyone tells me that things getting better are supposed to feel like relief. In reality it is just fucking terrifying. I am stumbling around completely aimless, standing in a life I didn't even want but am thankful to have as well now?! If I move on and actually live this life, it feels like I am disregarding every awful, horrific thing that happened to me. Like I am just supposed to forget the trauma and pretend it didn't completely destroy me. Healing almost feels like a betrayal to the version of me that had to endure all of that pain.
I never prepared for this, and the pressure of that is suffocating. I want this happiness, but I don't know how to navigate existence. I still have a billion problems in my life to worry about. I always figured I wouldn't actually have to tackle them, but I am now standing before this mountain range of problems with no way out. I don't even want out, but at the same time I do. I feel stuck between happiness and existential dread all while beating myself up for not being thankful enough. Why am I not completely happy? Why am I expecting anything good in my life to just be a trap? Why am I even bitching about that on here now?
I think I am losing it completely now.
But waking up to that reality feels exactly like coming out of a ten-year coma. And worse, I am so completely terrified that this whole thing is just an illusion of happiness waiting to shatter at any second. My brain simply cannot accept that I am allowed to have this or that I actually deserve anything good in life. When I am so used to everything being a threat, holding onto something beautiful just feels like holding a ticking bomb. This can't be real. I don't deserve being even temporarily happy. The world has made sure I am aware of that all my life.
Everyone tells me that things getting better are supposed to feel like relief. In reality it is just fucking terrifying. I am stumbling around completely aimless, standing in a life I didn't even want but am thankful to have as well now?! If I move on and actually live this life, it feels like I am disregarding every awful, horrific thing that happened to me. Like I am just supposed to forget the trauma and pretend it didn't completely destroy me. Healing almost feels like a betrayal to the version of me that had to endure all of that pain.
I never prepared for this, and the pressure of that is suffocating. I want this happiness, but I don't know how to navigate existence. I still have a billion problems in my life to worry about. I always figured I wouldn't actually have to tackle them, but I am now standing before this mountain range of problems with no way out. I don't even want out, but at the same time I do. I feel stuck between happiness and existential dread all while beating myself up for not being thankful enough. Why am I not completely happy? Why am I expecting anything good in my life to just be a trap? Why am I even bitching about that on here now?
I think I am losing it completely now.
