DetachedDreamer97
Enlightened
- Mar 17, 2018
- 1,402
There comes a time when you look back, depending on how long you've been wanting to die, how long you've become so fixated on dying, when you reflect on the changes you've probably made. Has being suicidal had any effect on you? Has it made you stronger?
That's the words I can think of when I can reflect. Since the beginning of my journey, I wanted to die, well... not necessarily die, but be asleep and never wake up. I want to be in my happy place. But to get there is not that easy. So, I had to figure out ways to actually make it possible, by having the perfect method. Since the best of all methods are out of reach, I had to forage my own, and make sure I do it right, so I don't fail. In doing so, it became sorta a distraction, so much so that I sorta forgot why I wanted to die in the first place. That isn't to say I forgot, but... everything I've once felt so strongly about has kinda been clouded by my obsession with perfecting my method. It's all so very clear to me, yet obscured. In these five years, I've learned many things... about suffering, cruelty, and unfairness, which became part of my reasons in why I want to act. But at the same time, being able to empathize with people, being able to help them, either to get out of the abyss and find happiness, or guide them to finding peace (not to say I instruct them to ctb; don't get it twisted), whichever they choose to should they come to me. I tend to question if I'm doing the right thing, but when it comes down to it, I find that it gives me a purpose. When I improve my abilities or whatever it takes to perfect my own method, and even improvise, I also discover a potential that I never knew I've had: will power, ability to research, become sorta the jack of all trades in which I can be anything I want to be depending on my current obsession. Because of that, a part of me wants to live and give life a shot. I want to be happy. That is why I need to get the job done and complete my method. Only then will I start chasing my dreams.
Many pro-lifers would disagree with my methods, but...
there is one word that defines me:
P A R A D O X .
That's the words I can think of when I can reflect. Since the beginning of my journey, I wanted to die, well... not necessarily die, but be asleep and never wake up. I want to be in my happy place. But to get there is not that easy. So, I had to figure out ways to actually make it possible, by having the perfect method. Since the best of all methods are out of reach, I had to forage my own, and make sure I do it right, so I don't fail. In doing so, it became sorta a distraction, so much so that I sorta forgot why I wanted to die in the first place. That isn't to say I forgot, but... everything I've once felt so strongly about has kinda been clouded by my obsession with perfecting my method. It's all so very clear to me, yet obscured. In these five years, I've learned many things... about suffering, cruelty, and unfairness, which became part of my reasons in why I want to act. But at the same time, being able to empathize with people, being able to help them, either to get out of the abyss and find happiness, or guide them to finding peace (not to say I instruct them to ctb; don't get it twisted), whichever they choose to should they come to me. I tend to question if I'm doing the right thing, but when it comes down to it, I find that it gives me a purpose. When I improve my abilities or whatever it takes to perfect my own method, and even improvise, I also discover a potential that I never knew I've had: will power, ability to research, become sorta the jack of all trades in which I can be anything I want to be depending on my current obsession. Because of that, a part of me wants to live and give life a shot. I want to be happy. That is why I need to get the job done and complete my method. Only then will I start chasing my dreams.
Many pro-lifers would disagree with my methods, but...
there is one word that defines me:
P A R A D O X .
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