Venting Hiatus over, new thoughts of sh..

[Olivie_420]

After yet another short hiatus, i am back. Mentally, I've been slipping more and more. I still stay with my boyfriend but if i cant find a job soon, even under the table, being here wont be a valid option anymore.

Ive been desperately trying so hard, its not like i dont want to have a job or be in the predicament i am in right now. I get excited at job opportunities, i WANT something to do, but nothing is working.

I feel like total shit. And its been 2 years and 3 months since i last self harmed, but ive been having thoughts about cutting myself recently that no matter how much i want to ignore, its just too loud. I thought i healed from wanting to harm myself other than obviously catching the bus, and having these thoughts and temptations is really breaking me.

Idk what to do. Idk what to say. I've been trying and fighting for myself for so long that now it feels pointless. Id say i just want someone to talk to, but whoever i talk to i end up shutting out due to the things im going through and i dont want anyone to feel shut out.

 

[XiaroX]

After yet another short hiatus, i am back. Mentally, I've been slipping more and more. I still stay with my boyfriend but if i cant find a job soon, even under the table, being here wont be a valid option anymore.

Ive been desperately trying so hard, its not like i dont want to have a job or be in the predicament i am in right now. I get excited at job opportunities, i WANT something to do, but nothing is working.

I feel like total shit. And its been 2 years and 3 months since i last self harmed, but ive been having thoughts about cutting myself recently that no matter how much i want to ignore, its just too loud. I thought i healed from wanting to harm myself other than obviously catching the bus, and having these thoughts and temptations is really breaking me.

Idk what to do. Idk what to say. I've been trying and fighting for myself for so long that now it feels pointless. Id say i just want someone to talk to, but whoever i talk to i end up shutting out due to the things im going through and i dont want anyone to feel shut out.

I feel like in order to talk to people, it's like you need an endless amount of 'social visas' or passports. I don't know if anyone knows what I mean. For me, conversations get awkward, or worse, quickly.

I feel like in order to talk to people, it's like you need an endless amount of 'social visas' or passports. I don't know if anyone knows what I mean. For me, conversations get awkward, or worse, quickly.

OK, so I'm replying to my own post. I do feel that I deeply want to connect with others - it just feels impossible. I wish better for you, and others.