Help Hey, it's me again.

[Lord_Satan]

Two days ago, I posted a thread saying I'll CTB yesterday morning. I woke up, started writing my letter and scheduled my Emails. I took time more that I expected.
When I first got the rope around my neck I didn't feel anything. but as I began chocking, I got extremely scared and before I blackout, I stood up. I couldn't continue from that point no matter how hard I tried. I felt extremely confused and didn't know what to do. My mother was about to get home at any given moment so I had to untie the rope quickly. Unfortunately, it left some really bad rope burns and ligature marks. When my mom saw it she was shocked at first then started aggressively yelling and repeatedly asking what are these marks.

I live with my single mom. When she saw these marks and found no response from me, she threatened that she'll send me back to my abusive dad and leave me forever. I was so shocked from all of these events that I forgot how to breathe for a second. After that I heard here calling him (She hasn't spoken with him in a really long time) telling him everything and telling him to come and take me. I entered my room and closed the door. I was hoping all of this was just a bad dream. I wished I didn't untie the rope and just proceeded.

I slept just to get out of all of this and hoped I don't wake up ever. Three hours after, my mom knocked on the door and entered. She started apologizing and saying she was just scared and earlier she was stressed because of some problems with her work. I didn't really say anythinv and she left the room. I was so devastated and didn't know what to do and slept the entirety of yesterday.

I gathered my thoughts today and calmed down a bit. But I still don't know what to do. I'm so scared to attempt CTB again and don't want to live anymore; I feel both dead and alive. What should I do?

 

[FF777]

well, if you aren't 100% sure you are going to be able to do the hanging next time then i guess you could look for an other method.. i don't know much about hanging at all, so i don't know if having like a shirt (or some type of thin cloth?) pulled up to be around your neck would still work for the method while protecting your neck from getting bruised as much?

i suppose if you don't have a better story then say you were super depressed for some reason that day (could even make up some thing like maybe one of your online friends died or some thing) but now you feel better..

next time plan things out, like give your self more time to CTB, and have a contingency plan if things go wrong like what you will say if mom finds you again or some thing..

it sounds like your SI (survival instinct) kicked in pretty hard.. so now you know how strong it will be next time you try to CTB.. SI stopped me very hard last month when i tried to CTB.. i realized i am way too terrified to CTB yet even though i have disabilities that are annoying and have no cures..

there are ways you can try to suppress SI, like being really sleepy, or alcohol (i hate alcohol but if you're not going to be here any way..), or i guess xanax, and maybe other drugs that might not be legal in all places like ecstasy and (to lesser extent) ketamine..

some people have a theory that if you have strong SI then it might indicate you aren't truly ready to leave quite yet.. who knows if that is true or not but you might lay down and relax for a bit and take a step back and look at the big picture of your life and just think about things for a while and what options there really are for your life and which paths you want to pursue and what those paths would look like in the future..

Good luck with every thing..
Love and light..

 

[Gloomic]

That was an awful first reaction from your mother. I understand the sense of panic and losing control in the moment, but there are some things that one shouldn't say even when their emotions take over. The whole 'leaving you forever' sounds like something my family would say, and all it does is cause more pain. It was better that your mother apologized, hopefully it was genuine. After that, I would rest and distract myself from everything, considering the energy to do it again is lost.