monetpompo
૮ • ﻌ - ა
- Apr 21, 2025
- 179
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I helped a woman today even though I feel resentful towards everyone around me. The woman might've been around my age, maybe older. She needed help getting the address of the place we were in for her uber, since we were in a pretty big plaza with at least 20 stores, so I smiled and said "Yeah, sure". I pulled my phone out of my bag, a little jingle from the phone charms on my case as I did, and I opened Google Maps. I didn't hate her, even though I hated the couples I passed by and the groups of people walking to and from stores, because she was alone, like me, and anxious about getting home. I only remember it's the weekend when there's a lot of people outside.
The wifi in the plaza was bad. I was using my phone data. I got separated from my friends I was meeting up with because my texts were delayed. I laughed watching my phone try to load the location of the restaurant we were standing next to and said, "Man, it's so slow!". First, the name of the restaurant loaded in, the distance from us, a pause, then the address. I tilted the phone towards her to show her the address. She typed it in. I looked at both of our phones. We were under the awning of the restaurant. It was hot and I had to squint when I was in the sunlight. She must've thought I was someone friendly looking.
She finished. "Thanks!", she said.
"No problem. I hope you get home safe, ma'am." I felt myself smiling. This is how normal people act.
"You too."
Then I walked away since I needed to go hang out with my friends. I didn't want to ask more about her. I figure she wouldn't care, since I wouldn't want a random to start a conversation with me either. She probably doesn't remember me anymore.
This only happens a little. More rarely now that I barely leave the house. I was in Walgreen's the other day, and a man held 2 flower bouquets up and asked which one would be better to give to a girl. I said the one with the bear hanging off it. He asks the girl behind the register and the older man standing behind me. They say the other one without the bear. I find it funny that I'm the only one that liked the one with the little bear on it, and I tell them they must not like me.
I live in a bubble at home where I seethe about things and resent everyone around me, but a switch gets turned on when you're around people in a store or when someone asks you a random question. I'm going to die soon. I'll miss random people talking to me. I'll miss my friends that I feel distant from now. Today was the last time I'll meet up with them again. I think it's weird how I can feel complete apathy looking back on all my old photos of when I hung out with my sister or my friends, but still be able to enjoy people's company. I feel detached from most things now. I hung out with my friends today but I'm already filtering it out of my head because I don't actually care that I saw them. I hardly care about anything. No matter what I do, what I remember, or how I'll continue to act, I'll still think that I could never be heard from again and it won't matter at all. When I helped the lady find her pickup address, I felt a little better, since I didn't need to think about how worthless I felt compared to everyone else in my life. Normal people don't have that weight on their shoulders all the time. I'm extremely jealous of people that don't depression constantly weighing on them. I get angry about it and feel guilty that I'm angry at people happier than me. Part of me thinks I'm just losing my mind. I'm really still the same, but I've just lost the hope that things will get better.
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