Venting I'm terrified of forgetting.

[untildeathdousapart]

It's been around a year and a half since my best friend took her own life, at a place where she kept me from jumping only a few months prior. It's been too long and I'm terrified. I know it's inevitable, at one point she will be nothing more but a hollow memory. But I'm truly, geniunely scared of forgetting her and all her tiny habits. The nicknames she gave me, the little bracelets she made - everything about her. She's all I ever think about, not in a weird obsessive way, just in a I-miss-my-best-friend way. We were able to talk about everything and nothing. Sometimes we sat at a lake that was nearby, we smoked a cigarette and listened to music and laughed about stupid things.. I miss it so damn much. The pain feels unbearable. I've tried to ctb twice since, but miserably failed. Why is it so hard? Why can't I just have a peaceful way to die when I've been suicidal for so long? I keep dreaming about her, or things I associate with her. I've also dreamt multiple times how I'd ctb and waking up from those dreams felt like my personal hell. I've been to multiple therapists, inpatient stays and went through 5 antidepressants but people still tell me that there's more I should try before giving up. I'm tired of hearing that, when is it enough? Always getting told that I can't hurt the people around me by ctb'ing, but what about me? I never asked to be alive, I never asked for all of this. I really don't want to be alive anymore.

 

[thedevilwithin]

i understand you completely. i'm so sorry. i wish i could give you an answer with some substance. it's so draining. fuck this life.

 

[attheend13]

It's been around a year and a half since my best friend took her own life, at a place where she kept me from jumping only a few months prior. It's been too long and I'm terrified. I know it's inevitable, at one point she will be nothing more but a hollow memory. But I'm truly, geniunely scared of forgetting her and all her tiny habits. The nicknames she gave me, the little bracelets she made - everything about her. She's all I ever think about, not in a weird obsessive way, just in a I-miss-my-best-friend way. We were able to talk about everything and nothing. Sometimes we sat at a lake that was nearby, we smoked a cigarette and listened to music and laughed about stupid things.. I miss it so damn much. The pain feels unbearable. I've tried to ctb twice since, but miserably failed. Why is it so hard? Why can't I just have a peaceful way to die when I've been suicidal for so long? I keep dreaming about her, or things I associate with her. I've also dreamt multiple times how I'd ctb and waking up from those dreams felt like my personal hell. I've been to multiple therapists, inpatient stays and went through 5 antidepressants but people still tell me that there's more I should try before giving up. I'm tired of hearing that, when is it enough? Always getting told that I can't hurt the people around me by ctb'ing, but what about me? I never asked to be alive, I never asked for all of this. I really don't want to be alive anymore.

I think you're right about the part where there is no exit that won't hurt those around you. I've come to resent those people. Love me enough to make me a monster for ctb, but not nearly enough to go for a coffee or text me once in awhile. As far as how much is enough? That's the question of my lifetime. When is it enough? Hopelessness should be enough. But we're supposed to be grateful for our lives. Maybe that makes me a monster anyway. I hear you loud and clear and I agree with another commenter , fuck this life.