Help Help with boundaries

[RawPremadePizza]

guys how do i set boundaries? i'm very soft when talking and not at all assertive, its very hard to have balance of soft and sharp. I dont want to come up as a bitch either any advice? :(
I try to set clear boundaries but in a gentle tone of voice, trying not to sound submissive either, but I hardly ever get respected. It's fucked up. When I try to come up with a sharper voice I get told I'm rude and to calm down ??? There's no winning

 

[thenamingofcats]

Have lots of pre written scripts for common boundaries. It depends on what types of boundaries you need to set most often.

 

[RawPremadePizza]

Have lots of pre written scripts for common boundaries. It depends on what types of boundaries you need to set most often.

Omg I haven't thought about that!! That's such a good idea, I'll try it out. Thank you thenamingofcats!

 

[wasteandvoid]

Dont rely on the other person to validate your boundaries, they are not more superior than you. People are equal, your boundaries are valid as they are.

 

[RawPremadePizza]

It's very hard to self validate when you have a bunch of people against you :cc I just want to stand my ground

 

[Jiyuurakka]

guys how do i set boundaries? i'm very soft when talking and not at all assertive, its very hard to have balance of soft and sharp. I dont want to come up as a bitch either any advice? :(
I try to set clear boundaries but in a gentle tone of voice, trying not to sound submissive either, but I hardly ever get respected. It's fucked up. When I try to come up with a sharper voice I get told I'm rude and to calm down ??? There's no winning

I feel like the boundaries show themselves only when they're close to getting broken or get completely shattered. It's quite like human rights you know? Human rights come into existence and become an issue only when they are broken, till then people only entertain its existence. If you actively enforce a boundary, you're also breaking it by yourself to stand up for yourself, and I think it could lead to many misunderstandings between you and other people, and just leave you more confused.

I think that how you percieve and know these boundaries exist can go a long way in helping you figure out when to stand up for yourself. Its pointless for me to say in words what boundaries you need to set because boundaries are directly dependent on the situation and it shifts its shape all the time. This might sound like insanity, but how I go about dealing with this issue is by establishing no boundaries at all beforehand. Having no boundaries at all is the same as having every boundary imaginable. When you present yourself as completely vulnerable in front of people, you're more likely to innately know when your boundaries are getting violated. It's a sharp realisation, and you'll be able to stand up for yourself with perfect confidence and have no doubt in your mind.

When you're dealing with people, be as much as an open book as possible, but when they reach out to grab for one of your pages, simply shut yourself completely off and trap the hand that reaches. The fact that you're able to see yourself being hurt very visibly will make you so much more confident when dealing with it. You don't need self-validation, all of it will come to you when you know you're being unjustly treated by people. By following this, you're basically doing a good job at convincing yourself that you're getting violated and automatically raise your voice.

Above all else, even if this doesn't help you, I hope that you'll be able validate yourself without needing to rely upon others. I hope you're alright as well, you must have gone through an awful experience to reach out. Take care of yourself :)

 

[Ash]

Someone once told me that visualising your boundaries can help.

 

[Tesha]

Keep politely reinforcing them if someone is pushing against them. Don't reduce your boundaries unless you're absolutely comfortable with this becoming your new boundary - once you've consented to them being crossed, it's harder to reinforce them again.

Ask the person pushing your boundary if they understand what your boundary is. Ask them to repeat it back to you, to confirm they understand it. If they break it, ask them why they thought it was ok to step over your boundary.

Don't be afraid to tell them how they make you feel when they dismiss or ignore your boundaries. They need to own their behaviours if it's impacting you.

And most importantly - I think it's great that you're setting boundaries. Keep going, it shows a fantastic insight and a bit of self care that too many people lack. Good luck!