Help needed

[flowerfacefan1]

I'm not sure how to start this. I guess for a bit of background, I live in a third world country in South America; am 24 years old and male; study CompSci; and I think that's it for an introduction. (excuse my english, it's not my first language)
I am pretty conviced that I have either OCD or Paraphilia, but do not have a diagnosis. I did have an aun't however who was diagnosed with it. Also, I'm pretty convinced I have ADHD or the tism,
however no diagnosis for that either.
The reason I ask for advice/help, is that I have sexual impulses, that seem to be linked to self sabotage (everything I do seems to be btw however I think the sexual ones I think are my biggest
cause of self loathing). I have been thinking about chemical castration for years now, but recently I've also looked into testosterone reduction, which might help a little.
I have considered CTB for years, and had planned it out about 3 years ago, after my fathers death, and I was confronted with an insane amount of stress all of the sudden. After that it has been
a bunch of very pronounced up and downs, either I am extremely euphoric or insanely down, where I can't get myself out of bed for weeks basically.
However I wish to get professional help, I wish that if I decide to CTB, it not be because of self loathing, or me not being able to handle myself, but simply because I decide to end a chapter ig.
I am a little paranoid tho, I've never been able to talk about these things to any kind of therapist, because I'm scared of possible consequences or something I think. Or maybe it's just scary
to admit it out loud.
Would anybody be able to give me some kind of advice? Is there hope? Does anyone know if I can take therapy anonymously?

 

[getoutgirl]

Hi. It sounds like you do need some professional help if you haven't had access to it yet. Your fears are natural and understandable, it's not easy to open up to someone in general and specially about this sort of thing.
This is a good space for that, but it's no replacement for therapy.
The general rule most others will also tell you about how to discuss suicidality with therapists or psychologists or those professionals is that as long as you don't tell them you have intent of taking your life, you shouldn't fear or face consequences like having police involved or being sent to a psych ward. Intent is the key. You can set boundaries and communicate with the person directly, honestly and openly and say hey I'm dealing with all this stuff and it oftens makes me have suicidal thoughts, though I am not actively suicidal and don't have plans to commit at the moment (and if you do, you can lie about it. It's about creating a safe space for both to talk about it and help yourself with it)
There are anonymous therapy services online. But if that need is born out of fear of these consequences, I'd say your money is much better spent with one that gets to know you face to face. It is ok, if scary. It is scary, but not for long.
If you can afford it, go for it. If not still try to surround yourself of as much support as posible.
If a part of you wants to recover and live then there is Hope.
there is no other way to put that.
Try to take steps to get yourself some diagnosis or medication or professional help in genereal if you can. Take it easy though, but take that route first.
Lots of hugs<3

 

[flowerfacefan1]

Hi. It sounds like you do need some professional help if you haven't had access to it yet. Your fears are natural and understandable, it's not easy to open up to someone in general and specially about this sort of thing.
This is a good space for that, but it's no replacement for therapy.
The general rule most others will also tell you about how to discuss suicidality with therapists or psychologists or those professionals is that as long as you don't tell them you have intent of taking your life, you shouldn't fear or face consequences like having police involved or being sent to a psych ward. Intent is the key. You can set boundaries and communicate with the person directly, honestly and openly and say hey I'm dealing with all this stuff and it oftens makes me have suicidal thoughts, though I am not actively suicidal and don't have plans to commit at the moment (and if you do, you can lie about it. It's about creating a safe space for both to talk about it and help yourself with it)
There are anonymous therapy services online. But if that need is born out of fear of these consequences, I'd say your money is much better spent with one that gets to know you face to face. It is ok, if scary. It is scary, but not for long.
If you can afford it, go for it. If not still try to surround yourself of as much support as posible.
If a part of you wants to recover and live then there is Hope.
there is no other way to put that.
Try to take steps to get yourself some diagnosis or medication or professional help in genereal if you can. Take it easy though, but take that route first.
Lots of hugs<3

Hey, thank you so much for your response.
Just to clarify, I wasn't trying to get the help here perse, more like, someone to reassure me I think. Something like that, idk if it makes sense. But thank you so much, that is a very good start, and I will try to follow through with getting help:)