Hello first time here

[atraz]

hello my names Isaac i am 22 years old and been suffering with major depressive disorder all my life, wanna tell you or at least someone why im going to end my life,
all my life ive been abused and used by just about everyone my depression really started when i was 12 i was angry at myself the world everything (i still have this wrath in my heart today) i was taken to a therapist. throughout puberty i felt something wrong with me and my sexuality so as any young person does they discover themselves let myself be open to grooming from people online, ive always had a low self esteem but friends at school and family made it worst it destroyed me to the core my family homophobia and issues with my body and the way i see myself gender wise i felt emasculated and castrated. so i came out as trans when i was 18 to my mother she belittled me and said they would accept me with who i was, but i set out on that path on my own i went away for college for 3 months perhaps the best years of my life but ultimately i failed college returned back home before 2020 started to take hormones and let myself believe perhaps this would change how i felt and i had people encourage me which in hindsight probably wasn't good my family found out and they kinda accepted the fact i was taking hormones, but i always presented as a boy for my sake and theirs. so 2020 i had probably the better times of my life felt good about myself but i had some doubts about hormones and the whole idea about be transgender ( i dont wanna get into the politics of being trans and gender ideology) i just felt like i was denying the truth. but it was the best two years of my life (2020 and 2021) felt like i was happy with how life went, i started dating people but they all turned out to be incredibly abusive to me and just saw me as a sexual object so they were always short lived and started blaming myself from everything. 2021 and late 2020 i decided to stop taking hormones for short (for long time and health issues with my liver made me stop as well) while because i felt horrible about it the hold world telling me i am wrong for it it takes a toll on the mind and i had self doubt wither if i was really ever trans or just i dont know nonbinary or something in between, so i was in a relationship time with a really abusive guy who was cheating on me behind my back basically had a harem then i meet this man perhaps the love of my life and we started a relationship and he was so sweet and i kind perhaps the first person in my life to never want to use me at this time too i wasnt in school and jobs where come and go not really long term so i was stuck in my house ever since the the pandemic it did have a little affect on my psyche so i decide to meet this guy in his state, i had troubles with my family they wouldnt approve this relationship so it was fighting back and for i never wanted to fight them about it either but it happened ive been with nearly a year i care for him so much. but recently some loser of an ex manipulated me to cheat when i told him to stop sending messages to me but i caved in, i accept full responsibility for it and regret it hard i told my bf what happened. He was devastated it broke him down bad and we didnt break up i wish we did so ive could just kill myself quickly and now but i care for him too much i destroyed something that was good and pure for the first time in my life i had someone who didnt wanna use me like a toy and its gone now. ive been made to hate everything about me my entire being to the point ive dealt with suicidal thoughts all my life ive become self destructive and destroyed people i love. im nothing and hopefully by this year ill finally end my suffering have no job and when i do apply i dont get its been two years of job searching i lost someone i cared about and no matter how many sorrys i say it wont change back to the way it was, im a failure when it comes to college and basically been out of school for a while im a dishonor to the family for obvious reasons . what more can i do im a burden to everyone and everything hopefully i get to have some control over the shit cards dealt and have felt violated and abused all my life. perhaps this will end it all im glad im able to write this out it feels like a first step to have some dignity and control through this and finally will be able to end all suffering. thank you to anyone reading this or maybe no one reading this but ive i had a pathetic life and harmed myself and everyone. ill post my next steps or my final message im not sure its only a matter of time and will

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you have suffered so much in life. It sounds like you have been through a lot. Life really is so cruel and unfair. I wish you relief from pain in whatever happens.