Venting Heavy Emotions

[CreamCheeseCaliforn]

Hello. I've finally built up the courage to post something in here - though I'm sure if this is the correct section to do be doing this in.

For as long as I remembered, I've been suffering from depression. I'm either filled with so much apathy I might as well be a machine, or filled with such heavy depression that it leaves me feeling as if I'm drowning. I can't breathe underneath the weight of my emotions. I never once planned for the future, never thought I'd make it to twenty and yet here I am. I'm terrified of the future and find myself slipping back into the familiarness of my misery. My anxiety quickly turns into paranoia and fear. I still believe I'm destined to die, that there's no reprieve for me. Especially not in my dreams. I can't talk to any of my friends about these thoughts, especially when they believed I was getting better and when I spoke so excitedly about things I wanted to pursue in the future. Yet it all feels like a lie to both myself and to them. Now I fear letting them down and it only adds to my misery. I just wish I could die in my sleep or take my life without feeling any guilt. I want to make new friends, see new places, experience something different, but as I sit here typing all of this I can't help but feel pathetic. I was never deserving of anything. I was meant to die a long time ago. It's gotten to a point where everything and everyone hurts me. I can't bear to be alive anymore. Yet the guilt eats me alive, making me more suicidal. I wish there was a savior or some sort of escape for me. All there is to comfort me is the thoughts of death and the nothingness that comes with it.

 

[SVEN]

If being honest about how you're feeling and being able to vent with no fear of condemnation is helping in any way, then you're in exactly the correct place. If at times you feel you may wish to share with others who feel as you do and are trying to keep going whilst they're sorting out conflicting feelings you can always pop in to the Recovery Section to see if that assists.
Best wishes for finding some type of resolution, whatever that may be. Remember, there are many of us here who can relate only too well to the way you feel.

 

[CreamCheeseCaliforn]

If being honest about how you're feeling and being able to vent with no fear of condemnation is helping in any way, then you're in exactly the correct place. If at times you feel you may wish to share with others who feel as you do and are trying to keep going whilst they're sorting out conflicting feelings you can always pop in to the Recovery Section to see if that assists.
Best wishes for finding some type of resolution, whatever that may be. Remember, there are many of us here who can relate only too well to the way you feel.

Thank you. I may write again here in the future because I truly need an outlet and for someone, anyone, to understand where I'm coming from.