CreamCheeseCaliforn
Member
- Feb 7, 2023
- 5
Hello. I've finally built up the courage to post something in here - though I'm sure if this is the correct section to do be doing this in.
For as long as I remembered, I've been suffering from depression. I'm either filled with so much apathy I might as well be a machine, or filled with such heavy depression that it leaves me feeling as if I'm drowning. I can't breathe underneath the weight of my emotions. I never once planned for the future, never thought I'd make it to twenty and yet here I am. I'm terrified of the future and find myself slipping back into the familiarness of my misery. My anxiety quickly turns into paranoia and fear. I still believe I'm destined to die, that there's no reprieve for me. Especially not in my dreams. I can't talk to any of my friends about these thoughts, especially when they believed I was getting better and when I spoke so excitedly about things I wanted to pursue in the future. Yet it all feels like a lie to both myself and to them. Now I fear letting them down and it only adds to my misery. I just wish I could die in my sleep or take my life without feeling any guilt. I want to make new friends, see new places, experience something different, but as I sit here typing all of this I can't help but feel pathetic. I was never deserving of anything. I was meant to die a long time ago. It's gotten to a point where everything and everyone hurts me. I can't bear to be alive anymore. Yet the guilt eats me alive, making me more suicidal. I wish there was a savior or some sort of escape for me. All there is to comfort me is the thoughts of death and the nothingness that comes with it.
For as long as I remembered, I've been suffering from depression. I'm either filled with so much apathy I might as well be a machine, or filled with such heavy depression that it leaves me feeling as if I'm drowning. I can't breathe underneath the weight of my emotions. I never once planned for the future, never thought I'd make it to twenty and yet here I am. I'm terrified of the future and find myself slipping back into the familiarness of my misery. My anxiety quickly turns into paranoia and fear. I still believe I'm destined to die, that there's no reprieve for me. Especially not in my dreams. I can't talk to any of my friends about these thoughts, especially when they believed I was getting better and when I spoke so excitedly about things I wanted to pursue in the future. Yet it all feels like a lie to both myself and to them. Now I fear letting them down and it only adds to my misery. I just wish I could die in my sleep or take my life without feeling any guilt. I want to make new friends, see new places, experience something different, but as I sit here typing all of this I can't help but feel pathetic. I was never deserving of anything. I was meant to die a long time ago. It's gotten to a point where everything and everyone hurts me. I can't bear to be alive anymore. Yet the guilt eats me alive, making me more suicidal. I wish there was a savior or some sort of escape for me. All there is to comfort me is the thoughts of death and the nothingness that comes with it.
