Story He will either kill me or not let me have a happy life

[_Vasa&Me_]

I am writing this in my room after another mental breakdown and lots of crying, I guess under some hope that writing will calm me down and give me some clarity.

The more time goes on the more I realize how my mental health is tied to my father.

I remember having a terrifying and damaging experience with him as early as grade 2/3 where he got so extremely angry at me in the schools locker room (we were alone) about my dirty dress shoes (we had fancy school uniforms and I was playing outside in the mud during rain with friends) that scared me so much I started developing my first symptoms of what I believe is OCD, where I would constantly check my shoes from now on to make sure they were clean so that I will never see him in that state again.

As years went by nothing really got better regarding his behaviour towards me. You cannot say "no" to him, thats not a thing inside my family (or at least me saying no to him). You either do as he says, or you do as he says after he yells and screams and verbally abuses you with the nastiest words known to man, and thats if you get lucky that he wont grab your hair during all this too.

I remember when I was a teen it was extra hard because of puberty, hormones, and me wanting to have any kind of voice inside this family, so I would try to have anything go my way, which lead to even more screaming and anger towards me.

By now (I still live with him due to University) I have learned to always do what he says no matter how much I dislike it or how he has zero regards on timing (I could be doing homework, eating, brushing teeth, it doesn't matter, he takes priority no matter what).

Well I made a mistake today of talking back to him twice (after we apparently almost "crashed" as I was the driver and didn't stop quickly enough by his standards) and he let out all his anger he has been keeping inside of him about me for the last couple of weeks (mom has been begging him to act "nice", but more like "neutral" around me since he knows I am struggling with depression and other mental health issues) but that doesn't matter to him as evident by today.

He grabbed my hair, insulted me in so many ways (hideous hair because its "long" and not manly , I am a failure in University, I wake up very late, sleep very late like some loser without a future, other people are successful while all I do is sit in my room and inside the bathroom for hours (my only coping mechanism) wasting his money and so on)

I am 22 for crying out loud and I am absolutely terrified of him, there is not a single person I am more scared of. I even get anxious when he is around the doors to my room or bathroom, or when I hear his taint voice (I think he is always talking bad about me)

I think because of him I have such severe anxiety (fear of people) and OCD (not being allowed to have any sort of autonomy, even as much as saying no, thus I create rituals that I have control over).

I stay in the bathroom and do my ritualistic OCD routine that sometimes takes 2-3 hours because its the only place where I am actually "in control" (my room doesn't even have a lock, but the bathroom does) and where I have a tiny bit of freedom over myself but now after todays argument he isn't allowing me to go there anymore, so at this point I have nothing to keep me calm, under control, and sane…

He is extremely conservative, racist, homophobic, transphobic , "traditional" and one that expects me to be a "man" he has inside his vision. In comparison I am gay, have "long hair" (to him, its more medium length to normal ppl), have small "feminine" hands and feet, the shortest in the family (he is 5 10, brother is 6 2 or 6 3 feet, I am 5 9), very skinny and don't really have a lot of facial hair, and thats not mentioning my completely opposite political views to him, all of which disgusts him despite him not saying it (at least yet)

I don't see a good future for me moving forward, at his point its too late and I am too damaged beyond repair (agoraphobia, extreme social anxiety, general fear of people and always closing myself off because I don't know any better, severe OCD that is controlling my entire life (5+ hours, nowadays its so bad I started to sacrifice sleep and school to finish my "routines") that I just cant take it anymore.

I cant even express my real self or have any sort of relationship's that might help my mental state, because I am certain that once he finds out I am gay, he will beat me up severely or kick me out.

Theres no hope for me, at this point I am just waiting for my psychiatrist diagnosis so that I can use it to kill myself through a government assisted dying program that they plan to extend allowances to if you have a mental disorder by 2027.

Thank you to anyone who actually read any of this and sorry for such a long post, I have nowhere else to go to to speak my mind and let out these thoughts and feelings, I am really grateful for ya'll being here.

 

[whywere]

I can 100% relate with you. It is all over the place here about my childhood. I will say just this, my "parents" never ever wanted me and the day after I turned 18, out I go, no food, no money, no nothing, but my bag of clothes.

In hindsight, it was the BEST thing ever. Tough as heavens to get going but no more.

I write this because I KNOW the hell, and I wish and hope that you get the HELL out of there.

In my case, and in my point of view, by now he will NEVER EVER change or be uplighting to you, get the HELL out if you can at all.

Before I had my growth spurt around 12 or so, I was a chubby short young guy, then BANG up over 6 foot tall and my "dad" hit me like he always had, and I floored him, never touched me again ever.

I am 69 and all my life I have NEVER EVER seen a person who is violent ever change their stripes, once mean, always mean.

You are a bright, caring person with a WONDERFUL future ahead of you.

Please do NOT let an anchor let you down and prevent you from reaching the stars, you WILL do it!!

Walter

 

[_Vasa&Me_]

I can 100% relate with you. It is all over the place here about my childhood. I will say just this, my "parents" never ever wanted me and the day after I turned 18, out I go, no food, no money, no nothing, but my bag of clothes.

In hindsight, it was the BEST thing ever. Tough as heavens to get going but no more.

I write this because I KNOW the hell, and I wish and hope that you get the HELL out of there.

In my case, and in my point of view, by now he will NEVER EVER change or be uplighting to you, get the HELL out if you can at all.

Before I had my growth spurt around 12 or so, I was a chubby short young guy, then BANG up over 6 foot tall and my "dad" hit me like he always had, and I floored him, never touched me again ever.

I am 69 and all my life I have NEVER EVER seen a person who is violent ever change their stripes, once mean, always mean.

You are a bright, caring person with a WONDERFUL future ahead of you.

Please do NOT let an anchor let you down and prevent you from reaching the stars, you WILL do it!!

Walter

Oh my gosh… I…I have no words to express just how thankful I am to you for sending such a sweet message, really, it means the world to me, even let out a little tear (of happiness this time).

I genuinely cannot believe someone understands what I am feeling (I know others exist, but my mind keeps playing tricks on me), it means so much to me to hear it be said out loud like that, thank you.

I know I have to leave, I understand that its my only way out, I knew about it as early as 16, but I always kept thinking "I will just never argue with him and follow his rules no matter what" or "he will grow older and be more calm" that I can keep going, clearly that was a mistake.

I am almost done with University, graduating in the next few months and I am starting to think that moving to my grandmas house for the time being until I find my degree job is the best option for me. Thanks for opening my eyes.

Now just gotta keep myself sane and alive for the time being…

 

[trashisland]

these people never change. I know because my mother is a terrible volatile person too. she too says the most disgusting things to me, although she doesnt get physical anymore because I absolutely will fight back. when she does yell, I dont react. maybe im just jaded at this point, I really do just tune her out and ignore it. but it still hurts to be yelled at like you're nothing. I have so many issues because of her.

really the only fix is to leave because no matter what somehow they always end up going back and doing the same harmful stuff. and getting physical is not something that will change, if he's doing that while already an angry person that can create a lot of fear and hyper vigilance which definitely isnt good if you have existing problems. keeping yourself sane is the best bet when they wont change. idk what that looks like for you, but for me as I said I tune it all out. if you can do that until you leave like you want to then things dont have to end badly. you can take control where he's had his grip the whole time and things can get better. I hope you can find a way out and stay safe in the meantime

 

[behindtheveil]

I agree with all of you. I am too a victim of such a heinous man who brought me into this world. People like them never change. He died last year after manipulating care and service to him on his death bed, well to be honest it was his mistress who helped in doing so( manipulating me). He'd made my life miserable and when I finally didnt speak to him I get a call that he's fallen. I rushed to his home only to find him with a brain tumour. I rushed him to a hospitals, looked after him when they gave up and cleaned him only to find that he had lost everything and brought out that frustration on me even on his death bed.
So yeah, people like that never change, its better to part ways as early as possible. Good luck with your future and remember you are a good and beautiful soul , you don't owe anything to anyone.

 

[fadedghost]

I am writing this in my room after another mental breakdown and lots of crying, I guess under some hope that writing will calm me down and give me some clarity.

The more time goes on the more I realize how my mental health is tied to my father.

I remember having a terrifying and damaging experience with him as early as grade 2/3 where he got so extremely angry at me in the schools locker room (we were alone) about my dirty dress shoes (we had fancy school uniforms and I was playing outside in the mud during rain with friends) that scared me so much I started developing my first symptoms of what I believe is OCD, where I would constantly check my shoes from now on to make sure they were clean so that I will never see him in that state again.

As years went by nothing really got better regarding his behaviour towards me. You cannot say "no" to him, thats not a thing inside my family (or at least me saying no to him). You either do as he says, or you do as he says after he yells and screams and verbally abuses you with the nastiest words known to man, and thats if you get lucky that he wont grab your hair during all this too.

I remember when I was a teen it was extra hard because of puberty, hormones, and me wanting to have any kind of voice inside this family, so I would try to have anything go my way, which lead to even more screaming and anger towards me.

By now (I still live with him due to University) I have learned to always do what he says no matter how much I dislike it or how he has zero regards on timing (I could be doing homework, eating, brushing teeth, it doesn't matter, he takes priority no matter what).

Well I made a mistake today of talking back to him twice (after we apparently almost "crashed" as I was the driver and didn't stop quickly enough by his standards) and he let out all his anger he has been keeping inside of him about me for the last couple of weeks (mom has been begging him to act "nice", but more like "neutral" around me since he knows I am struggling with depression and other mental health issues) but that doesn't matter to him as evident by today.

He grabbed my hair, insulted me in so many ways (hideous hair because its "long" and not manly , I am a failure in University, I wake up very late, sleep very late like some loser without a future, other people are successful while all I do is sit in my room and inside the bathroom for hours (my only coping mechanism) wasting his money and so on)

I am 22 for crying out loud and I am absolutely terrified of him, there is not a single person I am more scared of. I even get anxious when he is around the doors to my room or bathroom, or when I hear his taint voice (I think he is always talking bad about me)

I think because of him I have such severe anxiety (fear of people) and OCD (not being allowed to have any sort of autonomy, even as much as saying no, thus I create rituals that I have control over).

I stay in the bathroom and do my ritualistic OCD routine that sometimes takes 2-3 hours because its the only place where I am actually "in control" (my room doesn't even have a lock, but the bathroom does) and where I have a tiny bit of freedom over myself but now after todays argument he isn't allowing me to go there anymore, so at this point I have nothing to keep me calm, under control, and sane…

He is extremely conservative, racist, homophobic, transphobic , "traditional" and one that expects me to be a "man" he has inside his vision. In comparison I am gay, have "long hair" (to him, its more medium length to normal ppl), have small "feminine" hands and feet, the shortest in the family (he is 5 10, brother is 6 2 or 6 3 feet, I am 5 9), very skinny and don't really have a lot of facial hair, and thats not mentioning my completely opposite political views to him, all of which disgusts him despite him not saying it (at least yet)

I don't see a good future for me moving forward, at his point its too late and I am too damaged beyond repair (agoraphobia, extreme social anxiety, general fear of people and always closing myself off because I don't know any better, severe OCD that is controlling my entire life (5+ hours, nowadays its so bad I started to sacrifice sleep and school to finish my "routines") that I just cant take it anymore.

I cant even express my real self or have any sort of relationship's that might help my mental state, because I am certain that once he finds out I am gay, he will beat me up severely or kick me out.

Theres no hope for me, at this point I am just waiting for my psychiatrist diagnosis so that I can use it to kill myself through a government assisted dying program that they plan to extend allowances to if you have a mental disorder by 2027.

Thank you to anyone who actually read any of this and sorry for such a long post, I have nowhere else to go to to speak my mind and let out these thoughts and feelings, I am really grateful for ya'll being here.

Don't kill yourself over this asshole, you're almost free.

22 years of waiting...

You're almost done with school, just after get a job and move out. Find the smallest room you can in some city with good public transportation, far away from him.

Screw him, at least try life without being in such a hell hole before attempting...

Also I would be careful of psychiatrists and pills... They take money and give back pills that often don't help much with depression. If you are living in a hell hole like that, you're not going to feel okay until you get out of there. The pills and a fake diagnosis won't help. Worse yet, a diagnosis may give someone like that control over you if they are really evil, like through a conservatorship, and then they can ask the government for money to pay for you for being disabled and keep you there... Don't fall into that trap, get out while you can, get your freedom, get a job and leave.

 

[looking4partner]

I am writing this in my room after another mental breakdown and lots of crying, I guess under some hope that writing will calm me down and give me some clarity.

The more time goes on the more I realize how my mental health is tied to my father.

I remember having a terrifying and damaging experience with him as early as grade 2/3 where he got so extremely angry at me in the schools locker room (we were alone) about my dirty dress shoes (we had fancy school uniforms and I was playing outside in the mud during rain with friends) that scared me so much I started developing my first symptoms of what I believe is OCD, where I would constantly check my shoes from now on to make sure they were clean so that I will never see him in that state again.

As years went by nothing really got better regarding his behaviour towards me. You cannot say "no" to him, thats not a thing inside my family (or at least me saying no to him). You either do as he says, or you do as he says after he yells and screams and verbally abuses you with the nastiest words known to man, and thats if you get lucky that he wont grab your hair during all this too.

I remember when I was a teen it was extra hard because of puberty, hormones, and me wanting to have any kind of voice inside this family, so I would try to have anything go my way, which lead to even more screaming and anger towards me.

By now (I still live with him due to University) I have learned to always do what he says no matter how much I dislike it or how he has zero regards on timing (I could be doing homework, eating, brushing teeth, it doesn't matter, he takes priority no matter what).

Well I made a mistake today of talking back to him twice (after we apparently almost "crashed" as I was the driver and didn't stop quickly enough by his standards) and he let out all his anger he has been keeping inside of him about me for the last couple of weeks (mom has been begging him to act "nice", but more like "neutral" around me since he knows I am struggling with depression and other mental health issues) but that doesn't matter to him as evident by today.

He grabbed my hair, insulted me in so many ways (hideous hair because its "long" and not manly , I am a failure in University, I wake up very late, sleep very late like some loser without a future, other people are successful while all I do is sit in my room and inside the bathroom for hours (my only coping mechanism) wasting his money and so on)

I am 22 for crying out loud and I am absolutely terrified of him, there is not a single person I am more scared of. I even get anxious when he is around the doors to my room or bathroom, or when I hear his taint voice (I think he is always talking bad about me)

I think because of him I have such severe anxiety (fear of people) and OCD (not being allowed to have any sort of autonomy, even as much as saying no, thus I create rituals that I have control over).

I stay in the bathroom and do my ritualistic OCD routine that sometimes takes 2-3 hours because its the only place where I am actually "in control" (my room doesn't even have a lock, but the bathroom does) and where I have a tiny bit of freedom over myself but now after todays argument he isn't allowing me to go there anymore, so at this point I have nothing to keep me calm, under control, and sane…

He is extremely conservative, racist, homophobic, transphobic , "traditional" and one that expects me to be a "man" he has inside his vision. In comparison I am gay, have "long hair" (to him, its more medium length to normal ppl), have small "feminine" hands and feet, the shortest in the family (he is 5 10, brother is 6 2 or 6 3 feet, I am 5 9), very skinny and don't really have a lot of facial hair, and thats not mentioning my completely opposite political views to him, all of which disgusts him despite him not saying it (at least yet)

I don't see a good future for me moving forward, at his point its too late and I am too damaged beyond repair (agoraphobia, extreme social anxiety, general fear of people and always closing myself off because I don't know any better, severe OCD that is controlling my entire life (5+ hours, nowadays its so bad I started to sacrifice sleep and school to finish my "routines") that I just cant take it anymore.

I cant even express my real self or have any sort of relationship's that might help my mental state, because I am certain that once he finds out I am gay, he will beat me up severely or kick me out.

Theres no hope for me, at this point I am just waiting for my psychiatrist diagnosis so that I can use it to kill myself through a government assisted dying program that they plan to extend allowances to if you have a mental disorder by 2027.

Thank you to anyone who actually read any of this and sorry for such a long post, I have nowhere else to go to to speak my mind and let out these thoughts and feelings, I am really grateful for ya'll being here.

I also think that it sounds like it would also be a good idea to try living on your own before deciding. Some people have said that their ideation actually went away after they moved out from an abusive situation. Idk how common this is, but I think even with lots of mental health problems, life without chronic ideation would feel more manageable.

I also just wanted to mention that if the agoraphobia and OCD & social anxiety prevents you from being able to work, you could possibly apply for disability. It does take most people at least 3 years to be approved and extremely limits how much money you can spend per month. But, it's an option, and you could possibly spend time doing therapy throughout the week and exposure exercises for the 3 conditions and trying out different mental health treatments. I wish I had done that before developing a new & unexpected disability before I became more dependent on controlling people who don't listen to me :(

Also, I don't know if this is something you would be interested in, but there are churches that support LGBTQIA members and you might be able to meet people that way. (Depending on how nosy your parent is. Because you can just tell them that you're going to church.)

Another thing is that you could decide your sleep schedule (to a certain extent) without someone criticizing you or constant commentary on it once you are away usually. Like, you might be able to work part-time later in the day or night shift if it works better for your schedule. (I think there are also less people and crowds to interact with during night shift so some people with social anxiety purposely choose that shift.)

I think moving to your Grandma's sounds like a really good idea. I hope she is supportive of you.

And this is kinda random, but I just wanted to say that I have always thought it looked cool when guys have longer hair :)

P.S. I was meaning to write some things that might be positive changes/backup ideas to help if you're able to move out and not trying to tell you what to do so I hope it doesn't come across in a controlling way

 

[Chairbed3]

I relate with the core of this. Although my father rarely yells, he taught me he must never hear a "no" from me. It's as if he counts the "no's" from me. For every two times I say no, I would have to say yes 10 times. It's more of a psychological prison. He would say, "if I ask you to eat something, you need to eat. Don't ask any questions as to what it is. If dad gives you, you just eat it." He said this when I was 27. He also said, "you need to wake up at once and sit when I call you. It doesn't matter how deep in sleep you are." He would say stuff like this in the most normal tone, yet it felt like I was kidnapped by someone and that I was mistaken that I had a voice.

There was a time I thought I took back control by saying "no" whenever I wanted to, but he didn't like it. He started a huge fight with me and my mother and that was the first time I understood what sort of a person he was. He enjoys abusing me like that. His sucks people's confidence and self worth to fill his worth. He would smirk when I broke down. Here in my culture, we stay with our parents until we get married.

 

[auto138491]

It is not your fault that you had such a father. And in this equation, he is the abuser. You are the victim. Not the other way round. Its hard to believe, but repeat to yourself with data points every day and it will at least start to make logical sense. (thats what worked for me. I am left brained).
Get out. Live a little life before deciding either way. Unsolicited advice, I know. :)