Having SN in my closet is FUN

[its-about-time]

Got it in the mail weeks before estimated delivery, I have it hidden in my closet. Kind of fun. I've been suicidal so long, 13+ years, but now I have this little magic powder in my closet. Before if I wanted to die I'd have to go somewhere 45mins away or choose a risky method and collect "ingredients". Hard to do impulsively. Now the answer is 5 feet away from my pillow. All the "pre-meds" are in my med cabinet.

At what point do I randomly decide to dissolve it in a little water then down the hatch!! It's too bad the pre meds need a couple hours, it'd be so great if I could randomly think "hey how about now" and be unconscious fifteen minutes later ….

No real plan just excited about the possibilities. The PPH changed my life. I always thought I'd have to do something painful, scary, and difficult to die. Now I have this. I'm fucking ecstatic. I've been drinking tonight and it seems like a great fucking idea. But tonight isn't the night. No sermons about not dying while intoxicated, because I really don't care. Tonight just isn't the night.

I feel awesome.
I used to be so so so so scared and horrified of dying alone. I think that was a big part in keeping me alive. I stopped caring about that though in the last month. I'm alone in life anyways, at least in a big way, why shouldn't I be content to die alone? Everyone thinks I'm going out of town for a week tomorrow, which is my current plan, I could easily stay home and just drink the shit, nobody would notice… ooooooo. Dying alone sounds preferable these days. Just in my hammock, maybe a little Pink Floyd?

 

[Zugade]

You hear this quite often. The closer one is to their own death, the happier they feel. You no longer need to feel afraid, knowing that there is a way out if it ever becomes too much.

 

[wljourney]

To me - personally - it's the feeling of regaining control. It's a form of empowerment. Being able to make autonomous decisions.

Just knowing that I actually have a CHOICE again will make a huge, huge difference. Possibly so far that I won't feel the need for CTB as desperately anymore. Knowing that you can is often enough.

 

[Freedomindeath4me]

So jealous. I still can't figure out where to get it cheap from US suppliers or afford it international.

 

[rabbitlinnt10]

I'm so jealousss ;(( that must be feel satisfying having control over your own fate

 

[FuneralCry]

I can imagine that it must be such a relief having a way to exit this world at a time of your own choosing. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.