FireFox
Enlightened
- Apr 8, 2020
- 1,603
I am 26 and since the age of 21 I have been having suicidal thoughts. When I reached out at 21 over my depression no one took me seriously and just constantly dismissed me. My university friends in my law class stopped talking to me when I mentioned I was suicidal and one of them even avoided me on campus it was so obvious. My family didn't listen either and just said " you have your whole life ahead you" and even treated me like me like a massive inconvenience to their lives for reaching out. Nobody cared to listen whenever I reached out. I tried getting help on the NHS and it was difficult so I gave up. I have had very negative experiences in online mental health support communities. A lot of my depression stems from that the fact my life is a complete failure in so many ways. I don't understand anything about life and fully aware of my immaturity, never had a boyfriend and always unsuccessful with men, no career, living with my mun and struggling to fit in.
Growing up as a teenager I was absolutely terrified of becoming those boring adults who go to work then say at home watching TV and spend the weekends at home or church with no real passion for anything. In adulthood I still have that fear and I see everyone I grew up with has finally become conditioned to that way of living. I go out a lot by myself visiting museums, parks and attractions in my city. I see the people I grew up with because we attend the same church and whenever I ask them what they have been doing it is always the same answer of working and going to church on weekend. The lockdown made me want to see more of the world and not be stuck at home but nobody around me shares my outlook. Other people I grew up with are now married it is a reminder how I failed to get it right and everyone has got it right.
Since getting fired from my first ever full time job since graduating university I lost all my confidence. My confidence broke in one work meeting when my boss blamed me for bringing problems to the workplace, brutality criticised my immaturity and was just kept belittling me. My colleagues were never honest with me about anything and constantly went behind my back to our boss and at times at work even ignored and excluded me. I was nice to everyone at work.
Last month after meeting an older woman who went through everything I went through in my last job and I began to feel less alone. It was so comforting knowing that in another workplace in another corner of the city someone went through exactly what I went through and fought just like I did whenever it got tough. My confidence slowly began to rebuild. The older man in 50s I feel deeply in love with I now realise I can have good and fun times with another man and can start again with another man. This older man caused me enormous pain with his constant lying and mind games but slowly I am healing. This is the worst heartbreak I have ever had.
There is lot I want to do with my life. I am an adventurer at heart. I am planning to buy tickets to go abseiling and climbing, I want to train as a solicitor after I finish my law masters degree course which I start in October and so much I want to do.
If I had more help and support to live better I wouldn't find wanting to escape life and the world so appealing. Suicide appeals to me because I want to escape this world which I don't belong in and struggle to navatigate. My 20s have been difficult and I don't want to see another decade.
Growing up as a teenager I was absolutely terrified of becoming those boring adults who go to work then say at home watching TV and spend the weekends at home or church with no real passion for anything. In adulthood I still have that fear and I see everyone I grew up with has finally become conditioned to that way of living. I go out a lot by myself visiting museums, parks and attractions in my city. I see the people I grew up with because we attend the same church and whenever I ask them what they have been doing it is always the same answer of working and going to church on weekend. The lockdown made me want to see more of the world and not be stuck at home but nobody around me shares my outlook. Other people I grew up with are now married it is a reminder how I failed to get it right and everyone has got it right.
Since getting fired from my first ever full time job since graduating university I lost all my confidence. My confidence broke in one work meeting when my boss blamed me for bringing problems to the workplace, brutality criticised my immaturity and was just kept belittling me. My colleagues were never honest with me about anything and constantly went behind my back to our boss and at times at work even ignored and excluded me. I was nice to everyone at work.
Last month after meeting an older woman who went through everything I went through in my last job and I began to feel less alone. It was so comforting knowing that in another workplace in another corner of the city someone went through exactly what I went through and fought just like I did whenever it got tough. My confidence slowly began to rebuild. The older man in 50s I feel deeply in love with I now realise I can have good and fun times with another man and can start again with another man. This older man caused me enormous pain with his constant lying and mind games but slowly I am healing. This is the worst heartbreak I have ever had.
There is lot I want to do with my life. I am an adventurer at heart. I am planning to buy tickets to go abseiling and climbing, I want to train as a solicitor after I finish my law masters degree course which I start in October and so much I want to do.
If I had more help and support to live better I wouldn't find wanting to escape life and the world so appealing. Suicide appeals to me because I want to escape this world which I don't belong in and struggle to navatigate. My 20s have been difficult and I don't want to see another decade.
