Venting Having autism is so hard

[Fear and Hunger]

As someone with autism as well I would like to say something that I did not see being talked about, but I am sure at least someone can relate to and that is romantic relationships. Personally, I am mainly asexual; so I remember turning down a few people which apparently, I was harsh at it as I guess I was too blunt but I just felt I had told them the truth and I did not mean to be rude. With the only time that I had accepted such a relationship; I simply found it to be too much for me as she wanted what felt like my undivided attention and I needed some alone time. It was overall just too suffocating so I had to end it, even though she had a nice and thoughtful personality and I did enjoy her company for the most part. Honestly, I do like and still want deep personal friendships I just feel that I can never achieve that with how alien I am, and when it comes to what I want and can give in a friendship.

 

[Malaria]

As someone with autism as well I would like to say something that I did not see being talked about, but I am sure at least someone can relate to and that is romantic relationships. Personally, I am mainly asexual; so I remember turning down a few people which apparently, I was harsh at it as I guess I was too blunt but I just felt I had told them the truth and I did not mean to be rude. With the only time that I had accepted such a relationship; I simply found it to be too much for me as she wanted what felt like my undivided attention and I needed some alone time. It was overall just too suffocating so I had to end it, even though she had a nice and thoughtful personality and I did enjoy her company for the most part. Honestly, I do like and still want deep personal friendships I just feel that I can never achieve that with how alien I am, and when it comes to what I want and can give in a friendship.

I am personally not asexual, but I feel for people who are, especially if they're neurodivergent. It's already difficult fitting in society, but when you don't have the same feelings about sex that the rest of the world has, I can imagine that must feel very alienating.

 

[Fear and Hunger]

I am personally not asexual, but I feel for people who are, especially if they're neurodivergent. It's already difficult fitting in society, but when you don't have the same feelings about sex that the rest of the world has, I can imagine that must feel very alienating.

Thanks, even if there are not a lot of people out there who can personally understand what I feel like it is nice knowing that someone cares either way. I hope you the best as well and that you can find peace in this lifetime, and if not then I hope you will find peace when you die.

 

[Archness]

While I only have "mild" problems with stimulus, as it can annoy me quite a bit; Autism basically doomed me to loneliness. Social too complex so I have to go the easy option of making them go away without being angered or, mostly back in school, "It's Clowning Time".

To be honest, I've never did have any real sense of "Lifegoal" or "Lifedirection". Sometimes a momentary goal like a game or thing I wanted to make, or a fantasy that I thought "Seems realistic enough to become reality, and that'd be cool", but it all just fell apart. Maybe that's just my depression, but honestly I just lack that strange instinct normies seem to have to "Move Forward" in life.

Honestly, Autism is basically a very high% change of instant GAME OVER the moment your born, lol. A bit of a funny exaggeration, sure, but with how it can doom you to be deemed a failure, a life not worth living, & suicide much higher then normies, it has some truth to it.

 

[luks]

i understand how you feel. the overstimulation has got to be the worst. when i wake up i cant be touched or talked to because it takes my body a few hours to get used to all the stimuli. the ostracization has definitely been the most traumatic, though. i never had lasting friends until my 20s. my childhood was full of isolation and rejection for my stims/behaviors. its truly dehumanizing the way autistic people are treated, high functioning or not. it makes life hell

 

[viljalauss]

my heart goes out to everyone here. i'm autistic too and while i've tried to be positive(? at the very least trying not to wish i was neurotypical or cured) i have, especially recently, realised how it really just has made my life harder and also contributed to me doing the things that weigh most on my conscience. sure, in the last few years i've come quite far (at least in my eyes - not long ago i was told i hadn't changed since i was 14, but that was from someone i was scared of and hence. didn't act confident or articulate towards) socially - i've learned to talk and to listen better / more actively, which was something i always wanted to do. but there's always a new social faux pas, there's always something i can do wrong and haven't yet and it always happens. i'm the reason murphy's law is replicatable, repeatable, reproducible. nothing is foolproof if it's tested on me. i might be okay when i'm awake and alert, but the moment i get tired it all goes out the window - i can't infer the simplest things. i overthink and so make assumptions that should not be made, and that has extended to hurt other people. i've lied lots, but also been too honest in the past and that's landed me in scalding water. people have been compassionate with me - far more compassion than the treatment most autistic people get - but i just haven't deserved it. the things i'm interested in are exclusively useless, and while this might be fine if i could teach to people who are interested, i don't have the skills to teach (especially not to a larger group) as i'm terrible at explaining things, and my enthusiasm tends to come across as incoherent. i definitely have other problems that make it hard to live (especially dysphoria) but i do think autism is the reason i'm really getting tired of living with myself, with the things i've done and the near-certainty that i will do, if not worse things, different and similarly bad ones. i think another thing is those who know i'm autistic won't say they're tired of me for fear of hurting me, but i can really tell, and i myself am tired of hurting them over and over and over ad nauseam.

 

[Throwawayacc3]

Here's reasons why being autistic is miserable for me:

- The sensory problems
- Always taking things so literally, difficulty understanding sarcasm
- Having a hard time understanding other people's intentions, inability to read red flags makes me end up getting involved with abusive toxic people
- Difficulty connecting and relating to others
- Executive disfunctions
- Anger rumination
- People always judging me over the way I stim
- Inability to understand "unspoken" social rules, which ends up with me either not being able to read the room, or saying things too bluntly and honestly, and hurting people's feelings when I don't mean to
- Uncontrollable meltdowns when physical/emotional stimuli gets too much
- Clumsiness/bumping into people because of poor coordination
- People getting upset at me because I "talk too loud"

And many, many more... I have a bunch of other disorders too, but my autism has really made me miserable. It's made me so stressed out, has made me feel so ostracized from this world, has made it difficult for me to understand other people and connect with them... Doesn't help that there can sometimes be a stigma around autism, and people with autism often get ridiculed and bullied.

All this and more has contributed quite a bit to my suicidal ideation. I hate it so much.

I don't know where you are based but in the UK here's what they do: you are depressed so they give you lots of drugs and all these anti depressants. Then you ask about autism. I'm checking all the websites and all the experiences in my life and think that's a major factor. Ok. After 35 years they want to have a look. Time on the NHS for this service? 36 months. 3 f-ing years. They do not care. You can fast track it if you have a spare £3,800 lying about lol.
Pills - easy
Route problem - kicking and screaming.
Backwards land. Don't even get me started on neurotypical people (who are essentially the masses). I've just shut down and try not to communicate with anyone anymore. Only talk to animals at the animal sanctuary. The two abused geese took two months but they both trust me now and I can actual preen their heads. Anyone else even touches them they attack. Shitty humans abused them so that's why they are there. Man I really don't people lol.

 

[Professor K]

.....or Albert Einstein

You're either incapable of anything or you're a genius. It's one or the other otherwise you're faking.
that reminds me of the ''you don't look autistic''... It terrifies me so much how people expect it to be visible and to spot it.

 

[TiredOfAllThis]

I don't have an official diagnosis (nobody tried to make one - I myself only learnt this word when I was about 20 yo) but I'm indeed somewhere on the spectrum. My AQ result is 40.
Got high IQ (I'm a successful system level programmer), but have always been reprimanded for poor communication skills. I've always been strange and alienated, had expression issues (too straightforward), severe problems with socialisation, no real friends, no family (the fiancee I bumped into 5 years ago betrayed me). All that with abusive poor parents (an alcoholic dad and overprotective mom), who also never understood me: they just were proud of my successes but never really encouraged initiative. And problematic at least first 22 years of life which made me neurotic. Constant bullying b/c of my speech even in the university. Even those who highly appreciated me as a professional considered me a weirdo - I had issues even with visual contact until at least 35. I really did not understand what's wrong with me until I found out very recently, when it was too late.

 

[allwrong]

Can you believe the people who think being autistic is 'just being different'? That we should be against prenatal screening for autism? What I wouldn't give not to be autistic. 'Yeah, but you wouldn't be you anymore; you can't divorce autism from yourself!'. My autistic self is praying for a timeline where there is a non-autistic me living a more fulfilling life LOL. So much shit and trauma I would be 10x less likely to suffer at minimum. 'Neurodiversity' sounds good if you're one of the privileged few to have beaten a bunch of super strong negative statistical correlations.

 

[Worth_less]

Personally, autism has affected me for my whole life. I've never been able to leave a good impression of myself, because of my lack of understanding social norms. I would say things without thinking about them, I would stim, without even realizing it. Besides ASD I also have had difficult time focusing, and a poor short term memory. Though I haven't gotten a diagnosis for that, I believe I also have got ADHD. All of this has made a socially awkard, stupid looking and generally avoided person.

 

[Malaria]

Can you believe the people who think being autistic is 'just being different'? That we should be against prenatal screening for autism? What I wouldn't give not to be autistic. 'Yeah, but you wouldn't be you anymore; you can't divorce autism from yourself!'. My autistic self is praying for a timeline where there is a non-autistic me living a more fulfilling life LOL. So much shit and trauma I would be 10x less likely to suffer at minimum. 'Neurodiversity' sounds good if you're one of the privileged few to have beaten a bunch of super strong negative statistical correlations.

I agree with you. The neurodiversity movement has good intentions, but it's important for people to remember that existing as an autistic person can be so immensely painful and hard, and sometimes "acceptance" or being treated as "special" won't change that.

 

[TiredOfAllThis]

Can you believe the people who think being autistic is 'just being different'? That we should be against prenatal screening for autism?

I just wish I had been tested back in the 80s and given advice about what to keep an eye on.

 

[Malaria]

I just wish I had been tested back in the 80s and given advice about what to keep an eye on.

My heart really goes out to people who have this disorder before it was really known and could be diagnosed. I can't imagine what that must be like. I'm so sorry.

 

[TiredOfAllThis]

I can't imagine what that must be like

"Your kid is somewhat retarded" from a teacher - that was how it was like.
Especially, there was no real psychology in the USSR then.

 

[Malaria]

"Your kid is somewhat retarded" from a teacher - that was how it was like.
Especially, there were no real psychology in the USSR then.

Oh god the USSR, that must have been really hard. Again, I'm so sorry you went through that.

 

[Pluto]

 

[ewlife]

My delayed processing and poor social communication skills just got me kicked out of grad school. They said "it wasn't a good fit". No one wants the burden of having to accomodate us, so we're dropped, left behind and ignored. It's no wonder the unemployment and suicide rates are high. They fucking hate us.

 

[sserafim]

As someone with autism as well I would like to say something that I did not see being talked about, but I am sure at least someone can relate to and that is romantic relationships. Personally, I am mainly asexual; so I remember turning down a few people which apparently, I was harsh at it as I guess I was too blunt but I just felt I had told them the truth and I did not mean to be rude. With the only time that I had accepted such a relationship; I simply found it to be too much for me as she wanted what felt like my undivided attention and I needed some alone time. It was overall just too suffocating so I had to end it, even though she had a nice and thoughtful personality and I did enjoy her company for the most part. Honestly, I do like and still want deep personal friendships I just feel that I can never achieve that with how alien I am, and when it comes to what I want and can give in a friendship.

I'm on the spectrum as well and I've never had a romantic or s*xual relationship before, but I liked talking to my crush and idk why he stopped talking to me one day…he ghosted me for no reason.

My delayed processing and poor social communication skills just got me kicked out of grad school. They said "it wasn't a good fit". No one wants the burden of having to accomodate us, so we're dropped, left behind and ignored. It's no wonder the unemployment and suicide rates are high. They fucking hate us.

There really needs to be a cure for this condition. Hopefully one is developed one day

 

[ropearoundatree]

I had to take all of the tags off

Ha, I still do that! And I'm a grown up adult (or at least, my birth certificate would suggest..;))
but seriously, I sometimes, even get little "holes," around the sides of the removed tag~
small price to pay, I guess! :)

10) ACTUALLY ONE MORE: being asked how I'm feeling. I DON'T KNOW, YOU TELL ME!

I wonder sometimes, too, if they "Actually," want to know? You know? Or is it (really) more about, just making casual conversation. Such as a, "Hi" or "hello" may be substituted in place for. Wasn't sure if you were talking about the kinds of interactions which were more like greetings, or deeper conversations, such as those which might be had when sitting down with someone, or in the midst of a deep discussion?

 

[TiredOfAllThis]

I wish people had some compassion/tolerance for us - but they seemingly try to make advantage instead.

 

[Meteora]

The problem is that so called neurotypical people think they have the right to tell Aspergers that they re not normal. What if they just accepted the differentness? It s again a problem of humans thinking that they are stronger/better than others. Autists know it all along that they re the same as everybody else. They might be higher developed beings. Don't know.

 

[TiredOfAllThis]

"Your kid is somewhat retarded" from a teacher - that was how it was like.
Especially, there was no real psychology in the USSR then.

And OTOH, in the 1st grade I could read whole words and sentences and the same teacher wanted me to read by syllables so that others could keep up.

RAADS-R result of 213 is too much though - I'm a little bit adapted, after all.

 

[TiredOfAllThis]

This is insane - Aspie 139, this is my problem.