Venting Having autism is so hard

[DarkThoughts]

Could you PM me, please.

Hello Linda, this is a bit random considering I'm new, but I just wanted you to know that your presence is a blessing to many on this forum.

 

[sserafim]

Could you PM me, please.

Yeah sure

 

[Linda]

Hello Linda, this is a bit random considering I'm new, but I just wanted you to know that your presence is a blessing to many on this forum.

I really appreciate that. I'm struggling a bit at the moment, because of what happened over the weekend, and feedback like yours helps a lot.

 

[DarkThoughts]

I really appreciate that. I'm struggling a bit at the moment, because of what happened over the weekend, and feedback like yours helps a lot.

Wounds heal. We can just be glad that she was able to find peace. As I'm sure other people have mentioned: we're here for you too.

 

[Linda]

I agree, Asperger's/autism is literally a curse. I hate everything about it. As for the sensory issues, I think mine have lessened with age but I remember they were really strong when I was young. I couldn't even handle clothes tags on my body, I had to take all of the tags off because they made me so uncomfortable. I remember my mom was reading books on sensory processing disorder to try to help me, we still have that book in my house lol. I even saw it recently, I think it was called "The Out of Sync Child". ASD is basically like living life on hard mode.

" ... I couldn't even handle clothes tags on my body ..." I have some of that sort of thing, though its not severe enough to be a major problem. My husband says it's caused by my "princess gene", after the story of the princess who could feel a pea under seven mattresses. It's a nice way of looking at it. It's the nearest I'll ever get to being a princess.

 

[UserHussein]

I haven't been formally diagnosed with autism, but it has been suspected by people including by my own mother and even a mental health proffesional.

I suffer tremendously with socializing. I don't know if other people can relate to this, but I keep weirding people out and making other people uncomfortable, without trying and purely un-consciously. Growing up I've always just accepted that I was the "weird" kid and I never understood why people hated me so much.

Could anyone else please relate? I'm hopefully looking for some solidarity in this thread.

 

[Linda]

I haven't been formally diagnosed with autism, but it has been suspected by people including by my own mother and even a mental health proffesional.

I suffer tremendously with socializing. I don't know if other people can relate to this, but I keep weirding people out and making other people uncomfortable, without trying and purely un-consciously. Growing up I've always just accepted that I was the "weird" kid and I never understood why people hated me so much.

Could anyone else please relate? I'm hopefully looking for some solidarity in this thread.

"I keep weirding people out " Each time that happens, you could try directly asking the person you spoke to why what you said made them uncomfortable. Phrase your question carefully if you can (which I know might be difficult), because if you phrase it badly you might just get a punch in the face instead of an answer. You will get a lot of rude answers, but you might also get some honest feedback. That will give you some pointers to what is going wrong, which in turn may help you do things differently in future.

You could try something like: I can see that what I said didn't go down well. I'm honestly struggling to understand why - and I know it's my fault not yours. If you can explain why what I said didn't work I would really appreciate it. (It's important you emphasize that it's not their fault.)

Thinking back, I can recall a number of occasions when I have experienced what you describe. I ignored them, because they didn't happen often enough to be a concern. But I wouldn't be surprised if they were caused by a mild version of your condition, so I can understand what you must be feeling. They rarely happen now, so I must have learned something along the way. Probably you can too.

 

[UserHussein]

"I keep weirding people out " Each time that happens, you could try directly asking the person you spoke to why what you said made them uncomfortable. Phrase your question carefully if you can (which I know might be difficult), because if you phrase it badly you might just get a punch in the face instead of an answer. You will get a lot of rude answers, but you might also get some honest feedback. That will give you some pointers to what is going wrong, which in turn may help you do things differently in future.

You could try something like: I can see that what I said didn't go down well. I'm honestly struggling to understand why - and I know it's my fault not yours. If you can explain why what I said didn't work I would really appreciate it. (It's important you emphasize that it's not their fault.)

Thinking back, I can recall a number of occasions when I have experienced what you describe. I ignored them, because they didn't happen often enough to be a concern. But I wouldn't be surprised if they were caused by a mild version of your condition, so I can understand what you must be feeling. They rarely happen now, so I must have learned something along the way. Probably you can too.

At least its not a curse that I'll suffer with permamnently.

 

[Peerless_Cucumber]

My mother is convinced that I don't have any special needs and that I'm just like neurotypicals. I'm diagnosed tho! She's against me reaching out to organisations to get educational disability benefits because they could show up in my record. (Even though it's stated it won't). I'm not independent at all and everything is so exhausting to do on my own yet I'm expected to because I'm an adult. I want to be a kid again. I'm not cut out for that. The worst part is that my pride wants to uphold those opinions other people (especially my mother) has of me. Or else I'll feel even more like a failure than I already do.

 

[LifeTransit_1]

I am apart of the autistic community myself and what really pisses me off is that, people think your weird or just plain stupid just becuase your autistic...

The major problem is that there is not enough awareness about autism for people to understand that no, we are not weird or stupid! We are human just like everyone else on this planet. We just have different needs than what a normal person would have.

We need people to be understandable when we struggle on certain things that may be harder for us autistic people who have problems with motor skills, speech, and many other things. I certainly try to be understandable for when someone can't do something. It's a thing everyone needs to learn.

And its also works the other way around... we may be able to do something that a normal can't and so we need to learn the same patience when it coming to people struggling on something.

 

[heisenberg]

autism makes everything so difficult. it makes me exhausted too to have to constantly mask how i feel cause i can't pick up on social cues. i feel like im constantly putting on a facade. not to mention all the sensory issues. i wish i was normal

 

[DarkThoughts]

autism makes everything so difficult. it makes me exhausted too to have to constantly mask how i feel cause i can't pick up on social cues. i feel like im constantly putting on a facade. not to mention all the sensory issues. i wish i was normal

It's incredibly stressful, most don't recognise that we need to think about hundreds of details when just performing "daily tasks".

 

[SmallKoy]

I'm gonna list some (maybe obscure) triggers and see which ones are relatable.

1) The sound of my own chewing.
2) Any kind of debris on my hands (pet fur, oil/grease etc).
3) Not being allowed to have my hood up.
4) CLOTHES TAGS!
5) Yawning (I don't know why).
6) Sitting on chairs/seats which aren't my own.
7) Mushy food.
8) Foods being placed where they "contaminate" each other (tomato juice leaking onto a piece of meat)
9) Nope, I think that's it.
10) ACTUALLY ONE MORE: being asked how I'm feeling. I DON'T KNOW, YOU TELL ME!

I really relate to hating being asked how I'm feeling. I can't explain why but its so difficult for me to answer such a question. I think its because I don't know how I'm feeling, or maybe I just don't know how to articulate it. All I know is that my mind goes blank when I'm asked this.

Also, something to add, I strongly dislike many meats due to there being unexpected textures commonly in meat... Like biting into a piece of chicken and its crunchy. I can't stand it, and any time that happens it makes me want to puke, and then at the same time I hate puking. Spitting food out is one of the most revolting actions imaginable to me and I almost throw up every time I have to do it.

 

[DarkThoughts]

I really relate to hating being asked how I'm feeling. I can't explain why but its so difficult for me to answer such a question. I think its because I don't know how I'm feeling, or maybe I just don't know how to articulate it. All I know is that my mind goes blank when I'm asked this.

Also, something to add, I strongly dislike many meats due to there being unexpected textures commonly in meat... Like biting into a piece of chicken and its crunchy. I can't stand it, and any time that happens it makes me want to puke, and then at the same time I hate puking. Spitting food out is one of the most revolting actions imaginable to me and I almost throw up every time I have to do it.

I think a lot of us struggle with very broad and open questions, or being told to do something without detailed instructions. I couldn't really explain why, but I believe it's a relatable experience.

 

[thetruetato]

Here's reasons why being autistic is miserable for me:

- The sensory problems
- Always taking things so literally, difficulty understanding sarcasm
- Having a hard time understanding other people's intentions, inability to read red flags makes me end up getting involved with abusive toxic people
- Difficulty connecting and relating to others
- Executive disfunctions
- Anger rumination
- People always judging me over the way I stim
- Inability to understand "unspoken" social rules, which ends up with me either not being able to read the room, or saying things too bluntly and honestly, and hurting people's feelings when I don't mean to
- Uncontrollable meltdowns when physical/emotional stimuli gets too much
- Clumsiness/bumping into people because of poor coordination
- People getting upset at me because I "talk too loud"

And many, many more... I have a bunch of other disorders too, but my autism has really made me miserable. It's made me so stressed out, has made me feel so ostracized from this world, has made it difficult for me to understand other people and connect with them... Doesn't help that there can sometimes be a stigma around autism, and people with autism often get ridiculed and bullied.

All this and more has contributed quite a bit to my suicidal ideation. I hate it so much.

As someone with autism, I definitely agree that it's miserable. I honestly feel almost inhuman because of my inability to truly feel anything. My emotional range is basically limited to a range from dopamine high to suicidal (usually the second). I feel so disconnected, like I'm missing some peice of myself.

 

[Linda]

My mother is convinced that I don't have any special needs and that I'm just like neurotypicals. I'm diagnosed tho! She's against me reaching out to organisations to get educational disability benefits because they could show up in my record. (Even though it's stated it won't). I'm not independent at all and everything is so exhausting to do on my own yet I'm expected to because I'm an adult. I want to be a kid again. I'm not cut out for that. The worst part is that my pride wants to uphold those opinions other people (especially my mother) has of me. Or else I'll feel even more like a failure than I already do.

This one is difficult. Your mother may not be entirely wrong. (Never believe what officialdom tells you.) On the other hand, she might be over-protecting you. I don't have enough information to be sure which applies. Think carefully before deciding what to do.

More generally, I suggest you don't ascribe too much weight to other people's opinions when they are only opinions (i.e. not logical deductions based on hard facts). You can't run your life with the aim of ensuring that everyone has favorable opinions of you all the time. That's what politicians do - and we all know the disdain everyone has for politicians. Be yourself. And be proud of being yourself. When I was about 20 I was obliged to go strongly against what both my parents (and a lot of other people) wanted. My personal integrity was at stake. I have never regretted it. I would certainly have regretted doing what they wanted me to do, because it would have meant I wasn't being true to myslf.

I am apart of the autistic community myself and what really pisses me off is that, people think your weird or just plain stupid just becuase your autistic...

The major problem is that there is not enough awareness about autism for people to understand that no, we are not weird or stupid! We are human just like everyone else on this planet. We just have different needs than what a normal person would have.

We need people to be understandable when we struggle on certain things that may be harder for us autistic people who have problems with motor skills, speech, and many other things. I certainly try to be understandable for when someone can't do something. It's a thing everyone needs to learn.

And its also works the other way around... we may be able to do something that a normal can't and so we need to learn the same patience when it coming to people struggling on something.

You could stop just being pissed off and start doing something about it. Get out there and educate the rest of the world. Somebody has to do that. If you don't havv the personality for large scale organisation or in-your-face campaigning, you could do it on a smaller scale, with the people you encounter regularly.

 

[timetodie24]

I can relate. Once a mental health nurse told me autism is a superpower ... thanks for that, now I totally want to live !! (sarcasm)

 

[Malaria]

I can relate. Once a mental health nurse told me autism is a superpower ... thanks for that, now I totally want to live !! (sarcasm)

Oh yeah I hate it when people say that. It's so insensitive imo.

 

[timetodie24]

Oh yeah I hate it when people say that. It's so insensitive imo.

I get when people say it to kids, I don't agree with it, but I understand they're trying to help with self-esteem. But it was literally a crisis nurse saying this to me as an adult after I tried to ctb

 

[hematomatema]

I don't have it that bad when it comes to autism and even then it's still a struggle a lot of the time. Having OCD doesn't help it at all but by itself it's not particularly amazing anyways. Honestly, one of the main reasons I'm still alive is because there's a lot of promising research on drugs that help to at least alleviate some of the symptoms of autism, although it's a budding field and we might not see advances for god knows how many years, not to mention it's dependent on your genetics and which genes spurred on an atypical brain structure. Regardless, the notion of being able to live a (relatively, or actually?) neurotypical life is the one exciting thing keeping me going - that and the fact I have a somewhat stable or promising life right now, I suppose.

 

[Simba]

Having ASD (PDD-NOS) is one of the reasons why i dont want to be here. Not once in my life in school did anyone tell me that it was oks to be myself.. Noo they just look at you as if you need fixing or whatever.. Like you're some broken whatever .. I don't really feel like i belong in this world tbh and I guess there's times where there's this disconnect ,like ,not really part of humanity .. I talk like a human ,I walk like a human ,but am i a human ? No. It's frustrating not being able to understand everything properly. It's frustrating not understanding the other side or vice versa when the other side don't understand you properly. This world wasn't really built for someone like me. And thing is that i guess even autistic ppl can be unkind to other autistics (not all ,from my personal experience tho). I long for connections then have everything crumble apart that's how it feels in my mind. Something bad happens and my mind at times go to the extreme ends of the scenario etc . Too happy. Too sad. You feel everything too much. You get too attached to others. Knowing the outcome hurts. Being alone hurts. There is no point. Also the fact that i feel like my parents dont exactly see me as a 27 year old adult but whatever ..

 

[Linda]

I can relate. Once a mental health nurse told me autism is a superpower ... thanks for that, now I totally want to live !! (sarcasm)

Greta Thunberg, who is autistic, says much the same thing, so don't dismiss it entirely. I wouldn't describe myself as autistic, but a few days ago I put myself through the AQ (Autism Spectrum Quotient) test, which places people on a scale of 0 to 50. To my surprise, I scored 26, which they describe as "some autistic traits". When I think about it, that makes a lot of sense. I can focus intensely on a single topic, for very long periods (years), and I have been able to turn that to good use. I know that there are downsides too: I'm not brilliant at interacting with people, and don't particularly like interacting with people, though I'm "good enough" to have had a successful business career.

 

[timetodie24]

Greta Thunberg, who is autistic, says much the same thing, so don't dismiss it entirely. I wouldn't describe myself as autistic, but a few days ago I put myself through the AQ (Autism Spectrum Quotient) test, which places people on a scale of 0 to 50. To my surprise, I scored 26, which they describe as "some autistic traits". When I think about it, that makes a lot of sense. I can focus intensely on a single topic, for very long periods (years), and I have been able to turn that to good use. I know that there are downsides too: I'm not brilliant at interacting with people, and don't particularly like interacting with people, though I'm "good enough" to have had a successful business career.

I have no problems with other people describing it as their superpower. There definitely is a movement of people seeing neurodivergence as a strength. And honestly good for them.
But I find it condescending when neurotypical people try to tell me that a disorder that has made my life very difficult is a superpower. I know it's controversial but I'd take a cure if I could. Social interaction is painful for me, I get overwhelmed by sensory issues trying to do day to day tasks, i'm so socially awkward that finding a job is very difficult, I have difficulty understanding and processing emotions which has led to depression etc.
And i don't even have it that difficult, it's 'mild' for me and was only diagnosed as an adult.

 

[Linda]

I have no problems with other people describing it as their superpower. There definitely is a movement of people seeing neurodivergence as a strength. And honestly good for them.
But I find it condescending when neurotypical people try to tell me that a disorder that has made my life very difficult is a superpower. I know it's controversial but I'd take a cure if I could. Social interaction is painful for me, I get overwhelmed by sensory issues trying to do day to day tasks, i'm so socially awkward that finding a job is very difficult, I have difficulty understanding and processing emotions which has led to depression etc.
And i don't even have it that difficult, it's 'mild' for me and was only diagnosed as an adult.

I agree absolutely with what you say. It's one thing when "insiders" or people who understand your situation say something, it's another matter entirely when "outsiders" say it. The latter does indeed come across as condescending. I'm not autistic, but I have experienced the same thing in other contexts.

 

[untothedepths]

I think i might have been diagnosed a long ass time ago but im 100% i have asperges and my shit ass upbringing did not help. I learned through bullying at school that my stimming was not okay. Still struggle with loud noises and high emotions.

 

[_Broken_alice]

Autism makes everything so hard.
From sensory issues others just don't get, to being expected to someone function in a world that is outright hostile towards us..

Someone asks us a simple question... Allistic people don't even have to think about a response.
Us? We have to go through dozens or even hundreds or branches to figure out what they really mean by their question and how to respond. Then we have to go through so many responses and think things like "is this an appropriate response in this situation?"
Someone asks "how as your day?". First we have to try to figure out if they wanted the generic "Good, how about yours?" lie, or if they actually want a more genuine response. Then we have to decide the depth of response they expect. Do they just want a short response such as "We've had better days."? Or do they want to know why our day was not good? It's almost always the former, even if they say something along the lines of "Aww, what's the matter?" Turns out they meant something else or wanted a 3-7 word response but we take it literally.
So instead, we burn so much mental energy every moment we are out just trying not to attract any attention as doing so is even more draining than masking and trying out best to be invisible...

Worse is not being able to really read people at all yet being expected to. It leads to so many issues so we just isolate further..
The unwritten and unspoken rules that everyone else just somehow knows are so frustrating..


We walk into a store... One of the refrigeration units is making a noise. That noise becomes everything and drowns out everything else including our own thoughts.
Or someone decides to wear too much perfume that day. It is so overwhelming we have to fight not to dry heave while to others, it is hardly noticed for more than a brief moment.
Or it's just too loud, or bright. Perhaps the lighting color temps are mismatched. Or that one light if flickering or buzzing. All overwhelming distractions most don't even notice or care about.

And food... It doesn't matter if it tastes good if the texture is revolting. Too soft and paste like? Nope. We will literally gag and lose our apatite. A bite with an unexpected texture? Same result with the addition of a lasting aversion to that dish that sometimes never goes away.
Stale fries are the worst. The taste is wrong because they are no longer how, while the texture is also absolutely revolting. Right there with couscous, overcooked oatmeal, and the cold abominations known as "pasta salads" or potato salad.

Ooh.. textures of textiles. Most may have a preference, but their preference tends to be cosmetic or according to the weather.
That shirt? The seam is too obvious and irritating or distracting. Or the fabric itself is uncomfortable. It could be the choice of materials, the thread chosen to stitch it together, or just the way the fabric lies on our body.


Emotional stuff is an entirely different mess. We are personally really really bad about hurting people that care about us by being direct and honest about things. Ask us how we are doing while we are suicidal? We are going to outright tell them we are contemplating CTB'ing and why. A question was asked, and we gave an honest and literal answer. But it was the wrong answer and now everyone is upset which just makes everything worse.
And we have two general moods. Content, and suicidal. Almost no in-between whatsoever. Things are either ok, or unbearable. Emotional regulation is non-existent yet we have to hide it because that is what is unspoken yet expected. In our case, part of it is autism, but we are extra cursed and also have untreated AD-HD and EUPD.

Relationships are near impossible to maintain. With allistic people, it is outright impossible. Even with other autistic people that get it, it is still so hard. All it takes to ruin things is one moment where our bad moments overlap and things get taken wrongly and then it spirals from there.

Or something remains a problem so we keep bringing it up and all of a sudden we are "manipulative" for speaking our feelings like we have often been told to do. Turns out people don't tend to like hearing the truth nearly as much as they prefer a lie. And they tend to prefer to ignore problems rather than work on a solution to them.


The discrimination is infuriating too. It doesn't matter if we can do something better than anyone else around. That other person will get first chance at every opportunity for advancement just because they can BS their way through a conversation better, or because we come across as very weird to others when to us, they are the oddity that wastes so much time and energy on meaningless things like idle chatter. It doesn't matter that we know so much more about whatever it is. Because people find us weird, we don't even get considered for things over someone that knows nothing but can carry on a meaningless conversation that strokes someone else's ego just right. And frustratingly, we have found that doing "too good" at something will also disqualify you immediately because the person choosing who to promote or give an opportunity to doesn't want to look as incompetent as they are in their role so they offer the role to a Dilbert instead.

It's all so... draining and infuriating. We'd give almost anything to not be autistic in this world. As we told our mom today, our brain is wired for a world that either no longer exists, or is yet to exist, but not this one.
Our autism and AD-HD are both diagnosed. Frustrating we lived for 27 years before we even knew what was wrong about us because our bio-father would not let us get diagnosed as a child during our first wonderful mental hospital stay. 27 years of thinking we were the problem rather than knowing something is just wrong with us because someone decided they didn't want an autistic child and thought if they refused to acknowledge it, it would just go away... Well, we did go away... We disowned him for that and many other reasons and will hopefully never speak to him again.

Sorry this got so long... Just another of the many problems we have.

 

[Linda]

Autism makes everything so hard.
From sensory issues others just don't get, to being expected to someone function in a world that is outright hostile towards us..

Someone asks us a simple question... Allistic people don't even have to think about a response.
Us? We have to go through dozens or even hundreds or branches to figure out what they really mean by their question and how to respond. Then we have to go through so many responses and think things like "is this an appropriate response in this situation?"
Someone asks "how as your day?". First we have to try to figure out if they wanted the generic "Good, how about yours?" lie, or if they actually want a more genuine response. Then we have to decide the depth of response they expect. Do they just want a short response such as "We've had better days."? Or do they want to know why our day was not good? It's almost always the former, even if they say something along the lines of "Aww, what's the matter?" Turns out they meant something else or wanted a 3-7 word response but we take it literally.
So instead, we burn so much mental energy every moment we are out just trying not to attract any attention as doing so is even more draining than masking and trying out best to be invisible...

Worse is not being able to really read people at all yet being expected to. It leads to so many issues so we just isolate further..
The unwritten and unspoken rules that everyone else just somehow knows are so frustrating..


We walk into a store... One of the refrigeration units is making a noise. That noise becomes everything and drowns out everything else including our own thoughts.
Or someone decides to wear too much perfume that day. It is so overwhelming we have to fight not to dry heave while to others, it is hardly noticed for more than a brief moment.
Or it's just too loud, or bright. Perhaps the lighting color temps are mismatched. Or that one light if flickering or buzzing. All overwhelming distractions most don't even notice or care about.

And food... It doesn't matter if it tastes good if the texture is revolting. Too soft and paste like? Nope. We will literally gag and lose our apatite. A bite with an unexpected texture? Same result with the addition of a lasting aversion to that dish that sometimes never goes away.
Stale fries are the worst. The taste is wrong because they are no longer how, while the texture is also absolutely revolting. Right there with couscous, overcooked oatmeal, and the cold abominations known as "pasta salads" or potato salad.

Ooh.. textures of textiles. Most may have a preference, but their preference tends to be cosmetic or according to the weather.
That shirt? The seam is too obvious and irritating or distracting. Or the fabric itself is uncomfortable. It could be the choice of materials, the thread chosen to stitch it together, or just the way the fabric lies on our body.


Emotional stuff is an entirely different mess. We are personally really really bad about hurting people that care about us by being direct and honest about things. Ask us how we are doing while we are suicidal? We are going to outright tell them we are contemplating CTB'ing and why. A question was asked, and we gave an honest and literal answer. But it was the wrong answer and now everyone is upset which just makes everything worse.
And we have two general moods. Content, and suicidal. Almost no in-between whatsoever. Things are either ok, or unbearable. Emotional regulation is non-existent yet we have to hide it because that is what is unspoken yet expected. In our case, part of it is autism, but we are extra cursed and also have untreated AD-HD and EUPD.

Relationships are near impossible to maintain. With allistic people, it is outright impossible. Even with other autistic people that get it, it is still so hard. All it takes to ruin things is one moment where our bad moments overlap and things get taken wrongly and then it spirals from there.

Or something remains a problem so we keep bringing it up and all of a sudden we are "manipulative" for speaking our feelings like we have often been told to do. Turns out people don't tend to like hearing the truth nearly as much as they prefer a lie. And they tend to prefer to ignore problems rather than work on a solution to them.


The discrimination is infuriating too. It doesn't matter if we can do something better than anyone else around. That other person will get first chance at every opportunity for advancement just because they can BS their way through a conversation better, or because we come across as very weird to others when to us, they are the oddity that wastes so much time and energy on meaningless things like idle chatter. It doesn't matter that we know so much more about whatever it is. Because people find us weird, we don't even get considered for things over someone that knows nothing but can carry on a meaningless conversation that strokes someone else's ego just right. And frustratingly, we have found that doing "too good" at something will also disqualify you immediately because the person choosing who to promote or give an opportunity to doesn't want to look as incompetent as they are in their role so they offer the role to a Dilbert instead.

It's all so... draining and infuriating. We'd give almost anything to not be autistic in this world. As we told our mom today, our brain is wired for a world that either no longer exists, or is yet to exist, but not this one.
Our autism and AD-HD are both diagnosed. Frustrating we lived for 27 years before we even knew what was wrong about us because our bio-father would not let us get diagnosed as a child during our first wonderful mental hospital stay. 27 years of thinking we were the problem rather than knowing something is just wrong with us because someone decided they didn't want an autistic child and thought if they refused to acknowledge it, it would just go away... Well, we did go away... We disowned him for that and many other reasons and will hopefully never speak to him again.

Sorry this got so long... Just another of the many problems we have.

You can't change your situation, but you are doing a good job here at educating others who are not autistic. Have you ever considered doing that job for a wider audience, and explaining autism to them? So many of your problems are coming from other people, but most of those people would act differently if they understood better. Most of them don't set out to deliberately make your life hard, they just don't understand. They won't ever understand unless somebody educates them ...

 

[Malaria]

Autism makes everything so hard.
From sensory issues others just don't get, to being expected to someone function in a world that is outright hostile towards us..

Someone asks us a simple question... Allistic people don't even have to think about a response.
Us? We have to go through dozens or even hundreds or branches to figure out what they really mean by their question and how to respond. Then we have to go through so many responses and think things like "is this an appropriate response in this situation?"
Someone asks "how as your day?". First we have to try to figure out if they wanted the generic "Good, how about yours?" lie, or if they actually want a more genuine response. Then we have to decide the depth of response they expect. Do they just want a short response such as "We've had better days."? Or do they want to know why our day was not good? It's almost always the former, even if they say something along the lines of "Aww, what's the matter?" Turns out they meant something else or wanted a 3-7 word response but we take it literally.
So instead, we burn so much mental energy every moment we are out just trying not to attract any attention as doing so is even more draining than masking and trying out best to be invisible...

Worse is not being able to really read people at all yet being expected to. It leads to so many issues so we just isolate further..
The unwritten and unspoken rules that everyone else just somehow knows are so frustrating..


We walk into a store... One of the refrigeration units is making a noise. That noise becomes everything and drowns out everything else including our own thoughts.
Or someone decides to wear too much perfume that day. It is so overwhelming we have to fight not to dry heave while to others, it is hardly noticed for more than a brief moment.
Or it's just too loud, or bright. Perhaps the lighting color temps are mismatched. Or that one light if flickering or buzzing. All overwhelming distractions most don't even notice or care about.

And food... It doesn't matter if it tastes good if the texture is revolting. Too soft and paste like? Nope. We will literally gag and lose our apatite. A bite with an unexpected texture? Same result with the addition of a lasting aversion to that dish that sometimes never goes away.
Stale fries are the worst. The taste is wrong because they are no longer how, while the texture is also absolutely revolting. Right there with couscous, overcooked oatmeal, and the cold abominations known as "pasta salads" or potato salad.

Ooh.. textures of textiles. Most may have a preference, but their preference tends to be cosmetic or according to the weather.
That shirt? The seam is too obvious and irritating or distracting. Or the fabric itself is uncomfortable. It could be the choice of materials, the thread chosen to stitch it together, or just the way the fabric lies on our body.


Emotional stuff is an entirely different mess. We are personally really really bad about hurting people that care about us by being direct and honest about things. Ask us how we are doing while we are suicidal? We are going to outright tell them we are contemplating CTB'ing and why. A question was asked, and we gave an honest and literal answer. But it was the wrong answer and now everyone is upset which just makes everything worse.
And we have two general moods. Content, and suicidal. Almost no in-between whatsoever. Things are either ok, or unbearable. Emotional regulation is non-existent yet we have to hide it because that is what is unspoken yet expected. In our case, part of it is autism, but we are extra cursed and also have untreated AD-HD and EUPD.

Relationships are near impossible to maintain. With allistic people, it is outright impossible. Even with other autistic people that get it, it is still so hard. All it takes to ruin things is one moment where our bad moments overlap and things get taken wrongly and then it spirals from there.

Or something remains a problem so we keep bringing it up and all of a sudden we are "manipulative" for speaking our feelings like we have often been told to do. Turns out people don't tend to like hearing the truth nearly as much as they prefer a lie. And they tend to prefer to ignore problems rather than work on a solution to them.


The discrimination is infuriating too. It doesn't matter if we can do something better than anyone else around. That other person will get first chance at every opportunity for advancement just because they can BS their way through a conversation better, or because we come across as very weird to others when to us, they are the oddity that wastes so much time and energy on meaningless things like idle chatter. It doesn't matter that we know so much more about whatever it is. Because people find us weird, we don't even get considered for things over someone that knows nothing but can carry on a meaningless conversation that strokes someone else's ego just right. And frustratingly, we have found that doing "too good" at something will also disqualify you immediately because the person choosing who to promote or give an opportunity to doesn't want to look as incompetent as they are in their role so they offer the role to a Dilbert instead.

It's all so... draining and infuriating. We'd give almost anything to not be autistic in this world. As we told our mom today, our brain is wired for a world that either no longer exists, or is yet to exist, but not this one.
Our autism and AD-HD are both diagnosed. Frustrating we lived for 27 years before we even knew what was wrong about us because our bio-father would not let us get diagnosed as a child during our first wonderful mental hospital stay. 27 years of thinking we were the problem rather than knowing something is just wrong with us because someone decided they didn't want an autistic child and thought if they refused to acknowledge it, it would just go away... Well, we did go away... We disowned him for that and many other reasons and will hopefully never speak to him again.

Sorry this got so long... Just another of the many problems we have.

Wow, you described so well what it's like to have autism and exactly how hellish it can be. It really is so frustrating and makes life so much more difficult than it needs to be, and I really feel for other people who also have to deal with this hell.

 

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

Summarization:

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I'm sorry we all had to deal with this. For me autism is an inherently dysmorphic state which means happiness is fundamentally impossible and mental treatment destined to be fufile.