Venting Having ASPD feels isolating

[bubo]

before I start venting I'd like to apologize if this is in the wrong category, I've seen others vent about their mental illnesses in the suicide discussion category so I think it's okay?? But if it's not then I apologize in advance.


I'm not sure if anyone else with a cluster-B personality disorder or even just generally a personality disorder can relate to this but when I was younger I had really bad ADHD and misconduct disorder, I'd get into fights with my sister all the time for no reason at all. I'd throw heavy objects at her like staplers and even knives, I'd often hit or kick her when I got bored and I constantly got in trouble for either being too hyper or acting out. I was put in therapy and got diagnosed with ADHD but my mother not wanting to admit how violent I was forwards everyone as a child (I'm glad I was a little kid, I've dodged so many physical assault charges.) I was never diagnosed with misconduct until I was a little older and could actually speak for myself. When I was around 22 I was diagnosed with ASPD which was not a pleasant surprise. I never realized it until I was diagnosed with it but it makes sense.

ever since I was a little kid I never understood empathy, I was often told to "put myself in others' shoes." I'd just nod and pretend like I'd understand and felt pity for others when in fact I never understood any of it. I didn't and still don't understand how you can put yourself in someone else's shoes or understand other's point of view or how they even feel. I remember when I was younger one of my family's most loved pets died and my sister asked my father "why isn't she crying?" I couldn't tell her why, I still can't tell you why when tragic things happen I feel completely empty inside. My father brushed it off as me crying on the inside but when my mother died he looked at me angrily and was silent forwards me. I can't say for sure it was because of my blank face but I've always thought it was.

people say "feeling empathy is what makes someone human." I've never been able to feel it so am I less than human? I guess that's up to others. Personally, I find this illness worst than just being a funeral ruiner though. I have a hard time connecting to others because of it. I'm unable to feel despair, empathy, or really stress. But if you don't feel those things you're a "horrible person" or maybe even "a monster" so I have to pretend every single day I actually care. It's energy-consuming and makes me angry at those who actually have stable empathy. It makes me want to hurt them or just generally be violent.

i also have another symptoms of it such as: when i get bored i often do dangerous things simply to cure my boredom. even if it ends up being life threatening with no relatability chance of actual death like jumping off a bridge, or from a house's roof, putting my hand's in hot oil or boiling water, petting stray animals, or repeatedly hitting my arm with a hammer as hard as i can. Self harm has also become a common thing i do now because of this. Pain has become a passtime for me at this point but i don't have a desire to stop or change what and how i act even though realistically i should if i want to achieve what i want. Which is happiness (if it even exists. I'm having and has been having doubts.)

At the same time these illnesses (misconduct disorder, ASPD) have a lot of stigma around them. (I often see outdated medical terms like "sociopath" and "psychopath" on this very website even.) I don't want to be seen as a bad person for the thing someone else gave me, I didn't ask for it, it was forced upon me. I want to be a nice person, I want to be able to understand other people but I can't and I probably never will be able to. When I think about things like that it makes me feel more depressed because I still can't cry over it. Though I'm glad I can get to talk about it even just a little bit cuz I'm scared to talk about it to others (including my therapist largely.) because I don't want others to label me as a violent individual or shun me out for being such a failure of a human being.

 

[notAfather]

I've always been empathetic to a fault. I've always been a do-gooder and I can't watch a pixar movie or listen to a sappy song without shedding a tear or two. I literally can't imagine not suffering in the presence of a person that is. I don't have any identifiable personality disorders, but saying I'm "too nice for my own good," doesn't even begin to describe just how much I value the feelings and opinions of others, and I've always been envious of people who don't have the capacity for empathetic reasoning. My life has been ruined by my innate subservience, and my inability to say "no". Everybody I've ever known has, at some point or another, taken advantage of my complacency, usually to influence my decisions. My mind is invariably susceptible to emotional manipulation and I hate myself for it. So for what it's worth, empathy isn't all it's cracked up to be, especially when you have too much of it.

It sounds like you're navigating through some difficult circumstances, but lacking empathy doesn't make you less of a person. It just means that your mind operates under a different set of guidelines, and you need a sustainable environment where you can pursue the happiness you seek without having to worry about being ostracized.

I'm sorry I can't relate to your struggle or provide affirmation, but I found your perspective and your experiences to be incredibly valuable and insightful. I hope you find your happiness.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

b.

I'd guess its related to why you're suicidal, correct category.

Do you feel lonely or just isolated? I wish I could give you company, I'm used to dealing with violence so its not that big of a deal for me if someone lashes out, knives would be a bit much for me though. I feel like it must be lonely if you have ASPD, unless you can keep people around you.

I'm also pretty emotionally numb, I don't feel empathy I just have it, if that makes sense. I don't know if I'd cry if someone died, I guess I could a little, it's still hard to cry sometimes. I can get stressed, which sucks. I'd envy to never feel stress. I don't think not feeling those things makes someone 'a monster' or 'horrible', it's not your fault and lots of things can make someone feel numb or empty. PTSD is another thing that can make people feel angry and stressed sometimes.

I always find people with ASPD are good at expressing themselves, at least in text. You're a good writer. I'm glad you're able to write about it here.

 

[PreussenBlueJay]

It may not help to say so but I'm not sure if empathy even really matters. Most people who can feel it don't feel it most of the time (going off my own experience). Someone could be mired in grief at the loss of a pet but unaffected by the death of a sibling, a scenario I have witnessed. You won't ordinarily see anyone upset over a tragedy in the news either. I wouldn't be frustrated over the lack of feelings of empathy or stress if I were you but that's easier said than done.

I think crying is just the body's way to improve mood so no point forcing it if you don't need to. We are all fairly machinelike ultimately.

 

[needforvoid_]

You're defo human. I'm border btw. Myb you don't feel things that others feel, they can't empathise with you either. For me, it doesn't matter if the person feels me, their actions are much more important. Ppl stigmatise it because it makes them feel better and they're scared, fuck them.
I find humor to be good in some situations where I'd otherwise have to pretend I feel a certain way.
And like someone else said, empathy has it's pros and cons, the way you are is not bad, you're not bad.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I'm so sorry. I am different in that I would say I have a lot of empathy, but as someone with autism I barely relate to the majority of people so in that sense at least I can relate to you. Or at least say you're not alone. You're just as valid as anyone else for being how you naturally are and how and what you feel or don't feel is all valid but at the same time doesn't matter as our actions are what we hold ourselves and are held by others accountable for. I agree with someone above; the average person isn't all that empathetic anyways.

 

[Un-]

@bubo Yeah. Just, yeah. I'm the same - to a tea, actually. Well, not really. I can't feel empathy for other people, like you said. But I can't feel much of anything else - pleasure, for example. When I was a child, I've seen dead people, family members have died, etcetera. I couldn't give less of a shit. When my mother's mom died, in the Chapel, I kept on falling asleep heh. When my uncle died, and I saw his cadaver, I was thinking about whether how mortician dressed him up.

Does it make us below humanity? I think I'm scum. Rancid. You probably aren't, because I have homicidal thoughts from time to time. I do hate that people.. That struggle with these types of things are categorised as psychos or whatever. Most of us don't want to harm anyone, even if we may unintentionally. I don't want harm people.. I should be clear. But something in me does. Sigh.

There's just a lot of misunderstanding. There's too little people who have this disorder, and a quarter of those people are brave enough to talk about it.. Because.. Goddamm, the backlash can be ridiculous. It's sort of why I feel a sense of understanding for school shooters, or serial killers or whatever. Like they did something horrible, no doubt. When you look at their circumstances though.. Parents that are in denial, friends that have cut social contact, people ostracising them because they haven't developed proper social skills.. Just.. It's awful.

I don't want to be more human-like though. I don't see the point. Everyone's shit. What difference does it make if I'm less shit? I will say that.. It sucks.. Being this way because.. God, having to act like a normal functioning person is horrible. It's different to acting like you're "fine" when you're suicidal or depressed.. Speaking as someone who has to do both, I can assure you that acting normal is horrifically taxing. Goddamm.. I don't have much else to say other than I relate with you to an extent, friend. I don't think I helped at all. Sigh.

 

[bubo]

I've always been empathetic to a fault. I've always been a do-gooder and I can't watch a pixar movie or listen to a sappy song without shedding a tear or two. I literally can't imagine not suffering in the presence of a person that is. I don't have any identifiable personality disorders, but saying I'm "too nice for my own good," doesn't even begin to describe just how much I value the feelings and opinions of others, and I've always been envious of people who don't have the capacity for empathetic reasoning. My life has been ruined by my innate subservience, and my inability to say "no". Everybody I've ever known has, at some point or another, taken advantage of my complacency, usually to influence my decisions. My mind is invariably susceptible to emotional manipulation and I hate myself for it. So for what it's worth, empathy isn't all it's cracked up to be, especially when you have too much of it.

It sounds like you're navigating through some difficult circumstances, but lacking empathy doesn't make you less of a person. It just means that your mind operates under a different set of guidelines, and you need a sustainable environment where you can pursue the happiness you seek without having to worry about being ostracized.

I'm sorry I can't relate to your struggle or provide affirmation, but I found your perspective and your experiences to be incredibly valuable and insightful. I hope you find your happiness.

Actually, i think in a way you can relate to my struggle (though it sounds odd) i think if you have the total opposite issue as someone you still somewhat have the same issue as them because of that. people say "you always want what you don't have" after all. and I appreciate the kind non-sugarcoated words, thank you.

@bubo Yeah. Just, yeah. I'm the same - to a tea, actually. Well, not really. I can't feel empathy for other people, like you said. But I can't feel much of anything else - pleasure, for example. When I was a child, I've seen dead people, family members have died, etcetera. I couldn't give less of a shit. When my mother's mom died, in the Chapel, I kept on falling asleep heh. When my uncle died, and I saw his cadaver, I was thinking about whether how mortician dressed him up.

Does it make us below humanity? I think I'm scum. Rancid. You probably aren't, because I have homicidal thoughts from time to time. I do hate that people.. That struggle with these types of things are categorised as psychos or whatever. Most of us don't want to harm anyone, even if we may unintentionally. I don't want harm people.. I should be clear. But something in me does. Sigh.

There's just a lot of misunderstanding. There's too little people who have this disorder, and a quarter of those people are brave enough to talk about it.. Because.. Goddamm, the backlash can be ridiculous. It's sort of why I feel a sense of understanding for school shooters, or serial killers or whatever. Like they did something horrible, no doubt. When you look at their circumstances though.. Parents that are in denial, friends that have cut social contact, people ostracising them because they haven't developed proper social skills.. Just.. It's awful.

I don't want to be more human-like though. I don't see the point. Everyone's shit. What difference does it make if I'm less shit? I will say that.. It sucks.. Being this way because.. God, having to act like a normal functioning person is horrible. It's different to acting like you're "fine" when you're suicidal or depressed.. Speaking as someone who has to do both, I can assure you that acting normal is horrifically taxing. Goddamm.. I don't have much else to say other than I relate with you to an extent, friend. I don't think I helped at all. Sigh.

the purpose of the post wasn't to get help so there's no worries there. (I don't believe there's a way to "help" the problem that we both seem to have.) i agree with you on everything you've said. i also think the homicdial thoughts are normal among the illness because i have them too (maybe we're both scum though.) i also apologize i don't have too much to add-on to your reply but i also do wanna add that, if everyone else seems to think we're maggots for not feeling the same empathy as them it makes them maggots too because "feeling empathy is human" well then shouldn't looking down on something be breaking that rule? Cuz' they cry over pets too so empathy has to extend out of humans as well, right? Those rude dull-witted humans are just as bad if not worst than us in my mind.

I'd guess its related to why you're suicidal, correct category.

Do you feel lonely or just isolated? I wish I could give you company, I'm used to dealing with violence so its not that big of a deal for me if someone lashes out, knives would be a bit much for me though. I feel like it must be lonely if you have ASPD, unless you can keep people around you.

I'm also pretty emotionally numb, I don't feel empathy I just have it, if that makes sense. I don't know if I'd cry if someone died, I guess I could a little, it's still hard to cry sometimes. I can get stressed, which sucks. I'd envy to never feel stress. I don't think not feeling those things makes someone 'a monster' or 'horrible', it's not your fault and lots of things can make someone feel numb or empty. PTSD is another thing that can make people feel angry and stressed sometimes.

I always find people with ASPD are good at expressing themselves, at least in text. You're a good writer. I'm glad you're able to write about it here.

Mostly isolated. i live by myself so i've gotten used to being alone though i've never been able to get used to not being able to connect with others or feel like I'm actually friends with someone. though nonetheless having someone to talk to that doesn't mind me being emotionally inactive would indeed be nice.

and I appreciate the comment about me being able to express myself well in writing. English isn't my first language so i was scared this post might have been oddly formal but it's nice to hear that it seems no one minds.

 

[Un-]

the purpose of the post wasn't to get help so there's no worries there. (I don't believe there's a way to "help" the problem that we both seem to have.) i agree with you on everything you've said. i also think the homicdial thoughts are normal among the illness because i have them too (maybe we're both scum though.) i also apologize i don't have too much to add-on to your reply but i also do wanna add that, if everyone else seems to think we're maggots for not feeling the same empathy as them it makes them maggots too because "feeling empathy is human" well then shouldn't looking down on something be breaking that rule? Cuz' they cry over pets too so empathy has to extend out of humans as well, right? Those rude dull-witted humans are just as bad if not worst than us in my mind

It's a bit hypocritical, but.. Sigh.. It's just another thing example of something being unfair.. That won't ever be made right. We're all shit, that's a given. I'm glad that we relate so well. It's something that never happens. Even here, there's only one other person who MAYBE had the same problems as us.. And I think he killed himself. I'll never forget the thread he made where he expressed his homicidality - everyone, and I mean everyone, called him a psycho.. Should be locked up in an asylum.. There were people who tried to offer him sympathy but at the end of the day.. Yknow, I think it was just him and I, at that time. I'm probably retelling the story wrong though. Here's the thread if you wanna see it:

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/seriously-considering-hurting-others-before-i-go.87610/