Venting having anhedonia but not apathy is the worst

[meowpuppy]

i genuinely hate being anhedonic but not apathetic so much. i hate how, even more than the average person, i can experience sadness, anger, pain, fear, hopelessness, listlessness, ennui, all of the negative emotions, basically at 200%, but my happiness is basically, like, 20%, if that. literally some days i just have to brush off levels of panic that other people would consider panic attacks, i just, sort of have to keep going on with my day despite that, but in return for all of this suffering, i get less happiness overall. my constant daily life is a similar level of listlessness as other people's depressive episodes, and it's been this way since i was 12 or 13, something like that. all my happiness is mostly derived from the lack of feeling complete suffering. i don't even have other people to share my suffering with. this is the worst.